Sex And Death 101 Page #5

of having children

is a little different than ours.

Why raise them

when you can pork them?

Ooh!

Lizzie, how many times

do I have to tell you?

I didn't know

she was your niece.

Besides, she's 19-- and a half.

And I found her to be

very mature for her age.

[women grousing]

- Rod!

- So bad.

[Narrating]

Husbands, wives,

kids, families.

It was not just a world

I was supposed to want,

it was a world

I genuinely wanted.

What's life without experiencing

the wonder of a child?

- [Boy] I named my hamster Dog.

- Oh.

And when I get a dog, I'm going

to name him after you.

- [chuckles]

- Mr. Butt.

You about ready?

- Yeah.

- [child whining]

You know,

maybe they're right.

I should lower the old periscope

for a while,

hold out for someone special.

Special?

If the subject is

cooking or crab grass,

then you can listen

to married people.

Come on.

You're hitting baskets

from everywhere on the court.

This is no time

to go back to the bench.

Hey. I'm Bob.

- Rod, is it?

- Yeah.

My apologies, I just--

I couldn't help overhearing

your good fortune with

the female of the species.

I'm hoping it'll rub off.

And why is that, kind sir?

Oh, funny story.

One morning

about five months ago,

I came to work, and right there

on my computer screen,

a day, a month and a year.

A date. Today's date.

I'm utterly convinced

that it's a sign.

The night that

I'm to meet my soul mate.

- [sotto voce] You had to ask him.

- I've gone as far

as to procure lodgings

down the street

at the Hotel Taboo.

Kind of spicy.

Wait.

You received an unexplained date

as an e-mail?

Yeah.

Your next drink's on me.

Oh, how very kind of you.

[woman vocalizing]

[rock]

Oh...

I'd like to be the meat

in that fairy sandwich.

So out of your league

in so many ways.

I need two girls

If I can't have you

- Holy lesbo.

- [laughing]

Is that Bambi and Thumper?

I need two girls

If I can't have you

All right, Trix, they're all yours.

I'm out.

- [Trixie laughs]

- Where's he--

What league are we

talking about here?

You don't know Bambi Kidd

and Thumper Wint?

The Euro-Prague rock superstar

and the British astronaut?

Rod! The Blog!

The reality show.

The daily streaming video.

They are the Beyond-Ultimate

Lesbian Power Couple.

They go from town to town,

mm, raising awareness

on important issues

by empowering young women...

and then seducing them.

I'm hoping for an autograph.

Or a three-way.

Oh, back off,

they're looking over here.

[Roderick narrating] My friends,

it's not about buying them flowers.

It's not about pretending

to ignore them.

It's all about just knowing.

I know, easy for me to say.

Bambi and Thumper, was it?

Bambi and Thumper.

W-Why are they staring at you?

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Don't tell me one of them

is on that f***ing list.

- That list of f***ing--

- No, one of them is not on the list.

[Narrating]

But you see, even before the list,

I always knew just knowing

beats any gift, tactic,

or opening line,

no matter what

the sexual orientation.

If I can't have you

One that I can love

To have and to hold

One for at the club

Wish me luck.

I may be coming in late tomorrow.

Rod?

Hey, Rod! Hey!

Hey, I found her!

She's the one!

Can you-- What a night!

[sighs]

What a night, indeed.

Hey, have you thought any more

about my offer, my love?

I mean, yours are nice,

don't get me wrong.

Really, really nice,

but is there really

such a thing as too big?

- Let's just enjoy this moment.

- All right.

Just, you know, with my position

at the company,

I get a 40% discount on

whatever kind of implant you want.

- [spraying]

- Hey, Bob.

Seriously, enjoy the moment.

Okay. You win.

- [laughs, sighs]

- [spraying continues]

"My wounds are deeper

than your desires."

"My wounds are deeper

than your desires."

"My wounds are deeper

than your desires."

"My wounds are deeper

than your desires."

Drink?

Don't mind if I do.

Is the gentleman surprised

that he's here?

No, the gentleman is not.

Oh! Did you hear that,

Miss Kidd?

He's very cocky.

Accent on the cock, Miss Wint.

[chuckles]

Boy, my assistant

is gonna kill me--

That is so sweet.

He is trying to talk to us.

Man-guy, just sign the confidentiality

agreement on the table.

Now.

The kind sir does understand

a vegan doesn't tell her friends

that she just wolfed down

a greasy cheeseburger.

[swing squeaks]

Yes, the kind sir

understands... kind of.

Bottoms up.

- [woman screams]

- [thud]

[laughs]

Whoa!

Looks like everyone's having

a good time tonight, huh?

So what do you say

about round two?

I may need a little

in about 30 minutes.

And I'd like you to meet

my family, if that's okay.

I was thinking, I'm from, uh--

Oh, my God!

Is that paint?

- Does that come off?

- [chuckling]

Wh-- why would you do that?

I put this room

on my credit card.

What are you trying to do,

imitate that disturbed woman

who's going around...

Oh, dear.

What can I say, Bob?

Some dreams are

too true to be good.

Well, I must say,

you're being a real cun--

uh-- I didn't say it--

cunning woman, you are.

That's what I was--

I was g-- help?

[Bambi, in next room]

Ow! I was faking it!

Don't tell me you

were faking it, Miss Kidd.

I know when you're faking it,

and you did that thing with your toes!

- No...

- Bambi, Thumper, please, don't fight.

You said you wouldn't

get jealous, Miss Wint!

[yelping, grunting]

Okay. Maybe fight

a little more.

This is not about sex!

This is about intimacy!

Real intimacy!

That's it.

Turn the cameras off.

Keep the camera rolling!

- Cameras? Rolling?

- [thud]

Oh, no, no. No, this is crazy.

You can't film this!

Well, you did know the confidentiality

agreement's really a release form.

Haven't you seen our show?

Don't you change

the subject, Star Whore.

[Thumper laughing]

- [glass shatters]

- [squealing, struggling]

Help me, somebody!

It's her! She's here!

I think they're kind of having

some problems of

their own there, Bob.

Please! Just tell me

what you want from me!

Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?

Take forever, if you have to.

Don't. Please. Please.

Please wait. Just wait. Wait.

I-- This is not fair.

It's not like I hit you,

or roofied you,

or openly exploited you in--

Oh, this is the breast

implant thing? Okay.

Look, I'm just

the company accountant.

I keep the books! Please!

All I need to know is, why?

I deserve a good reason--

Why do men always

get to have reasons?

Did you think women get to have

reasons when they get attacked?

I want everyone on red alert here.

Although you do bring up

a legitimate point.

I mean, you're not

Master Bitchslap

or the Parkside Peeper.

Or even that captain

of the lacrosse team, who--

Whoap!

[thud]

Bob?

Oh...Bob.

- [car drives by]

- Aw, pilgrim.

Guess it was just your time.

- [Bambi and Thumper struggling, yelping]

- [objects breaking]

[groans]

[screaming, shattering]

Oh, yeah...

What a night.

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