Sex And Death 101 Page #4

of the bigger mistakes

I've ever made.

But if you convince me to stay,

and you can't back it up

with every inch of your soul,

then you will be a true villain.

- Good call, buddy!

- Ah!

You made the right

decision, Mr. Blank,

but it's not like

you had much of a choice.

Whoo!

[snorts]

Okay, what's happening?

Where am I?

Who are you people?

Hello, Mr. Blank.

I'm Alpha, he's Beta,

and that's Fred.

[Beta]

We're here to tell you everything, Mr. Blank.

This isn't a dream,

and it isn't a dream

within a dream, either.

You're not going

to wake up at the end,

and I'm your gardener

and these are your pool boys.

This is about the list, isn't it?

[scoffs]

Of course it's about the list!

You must be freaking out.

Seriously, what number

are you at right now--

Down, Fred.

Mr. Blank...

some people you don't know

found some things you don't know

in a place you don't know.

And these things have been

very useful in making a new thing.

One that apparently

knows everything.

A thing that knows everything,

like a computer, a supercomputer.

I prefer the word "machine."

Now, this machine will take

a few lifetimes to figure out,

and I wouldn't go as far

as to call it an oracle,

but it is...oraclesque.

Last week, it sent out

about 2,900 e-mails,

answers to questions nobody asked--

not us, not the e-mail recipients.

Almost everyone received nothing more

than an individual date--

day, month, year.

You're very lucky you didn't

get that one, Mr. Blank.

It was the day

of the recipient's death.

But then there's you.

Yes, a few of the e-mails

drew an unnatural

attention to themselves.

Well, yeah, but yours

is the best, far and away.

A list of everyone you're

going to have sex with?

Oh man, this other poor dick

got the same list.

One name!

The wife that he lost

his virginity to.

What a sap!

- Fred--

- I mean, can you imagine?

[Beta]

Fred!

Mr. Blank, I think you know

where I'm going with this.

If people were to find out

about the machine,

it would cause panic

and confusion and--

You're threatening me?

Not to be a smart-ass.

If your little oracle is for real,

then I can't die

before bedding down

the last lady on the list.

Grand to finally

meet you, Mr. Blank.

The door is at

the end of the hall.

Yeah, and if you

have any questions,

drop in any time, bro.

Can't believe

I believe all this.

But you do,

and we appreciate it.

You've been guaranteed

a robust sex life, Mr. Blank.

That should be enough for you.

Lose the list.

Burn it, bury it,

whatever you need to do.

If you let the list in your life,

it will infect

every fiber of your being.

Bye-bye.

[chatter]

[bike bell rings]

I like him.

He seems sensible.

Hey, hey, uh, almighty, all-knowing guys?

You just confirmed the validity

of a list of 101 sure things.

Okay? So, a list like that,

doesn't get burned or buried.

It gets used.

And I mean, it gets, like,

crazy-montage-sequence used.

"French-New Wave,

learning Gymkata,

I can't believe they could afford

that song" montage.

[laughing]

It's gonna be f***ing nuts!

He's just--

He's going to f*** a lot.

[New Wave]

[sighs]

I'm surrounded softly

By the beat

Still dumbfounded

By the intolerable heat

You came close to me

And you danced

It came close to

Being my last

I'll take what's mine

Before I regret it

I'm saving that seat

for a friend.

What's your name?

Kathleen, Mr. Manners.

- That's a shame.

- What did you say?

Oh, I said, it's a nice name.

Roderick Blank.

Ooh, first and last names,

how formal.

- Well...

- Ah.

Here's my standing up friend

and colleague Greta Sampsa.

This is the guy who took your seat.

Greta Sampsa, now that's

a fantastic name.

What would you like?

A slow, nasty f***

on the coffee table.

Would you like that

with Bacardi or Myer's?

Bacardi.

[laughs]

Did you know I was

talking about a drink?

Maybe, maybe not.

I'll take what's mine before I...

This your only piece of ID?

You swear you're

not named after

anyone else in your family?

Listen, you're cute and I'm drunk,

and my plane is grounded

until tomorrow,

but if you want to--

I'll take what's mine

Before I...

Noreen!

Leslie and Yuca!

- Here you go.

- Thanks, Bill.

Enjoy.

[Bill]

Julie!

You're having my sex

You're sleeping with my wife

You're having my kids

and the time of my life

You're writing my book

You're starring in my film

You have the number one

and my number ten

We could be such

very good friends

If you let me in

The higher the gates,

the longer the wait

Please let this poor boy sin

You're having my sex

You're sleeping with my wife

You're having my kids

and the time of my life

You're writing my book

You're starring in my film

[Narrating] I'd say that

I was mature and content.

But if you have to say

that stuff out loud,

it can't possibly be true.

I thought I was above

all the hot chicks,

high-five,

beer-commercial bullshit.

I was above nothing.

The list was life.

Have a startling and unique day,

- Mr. Blank.

- Thank you.

Wait a second,

how did you know my name?

Swallows is the case study

in my business class.

I thought I'd get some first-hand experience

and make a little money

at the same time.

Very little money.

That's fascinating...

Alexis.

Alexis de Large.

Wait a minute.

How did you know my last name?

Yeah, yeah!

That's the way you like it.

[Man] Well, yes, I find

the honey mustard sauce

really brings out the flavor.

Pull my hair.

[Man]

What?

Up to the window.

[gasping]

Have a startling

and u-- u-- u--

[Man] Is it too late

to squeeze in a cherry pie?

[Roderick narrating]

April to August,

I went from number 29

to number 62.

Maybe I was moving too fast.

But then, I guess

I was supposed to.

I crossed out the names,

but remembered the faces.

Their stare, my stare.

We think if we exchange

the meaningful stare,

the meaning will kick in later.

But does it?

One or both of you

try to say something like,

"It's just sex."

But is it?

[beeps]

[Woman] You think sending me

a bunch of roses

- is going to make me--

- [beeps]

[Woman #2]

You think paying my car insurance

- is going to make me forget that you cheat--

- [beeps]

[Woman #3]

A stuffed animal?

I overheard a waitress say

you paid off her car ins--

[beeps]

[Zack]

Earth to Roderick Blank!

Stop having hot sex.

Get your ass up to the house

for a barbeque.

It is my boy Max's birthday.

Or my son Kyle. Be here!

[beeps]

[Narrating]

When my wedding was canceled,

there had been a chill

among the married folk.

You'd have thought

I'd left them at the altar.

But now they kind of

like having me around.

The ladies' man.

Lizzie is an amazing

woman, Zack.

I mean, what she's done with that clinic.

[whistles]

The way she's raised

your two kids.

Yeah, yeah, my wife's

a goddamn saint.

Now, this stewardess,

did she say,

"Come on my ass"

or "Come in my ass?"

Oh, Roderick's definition

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