Sex And Death 101 Page #3

at another woman again, right?

Right?

Back of the line, bro.

[chattering]

[Man]

Okay, gentlemen, don't rush.

[bell jingles]

Get out of the way,

will you?

- Don't push! Get out of my way!

- Come on, man!

[men chattering]

[Man]

Hey, stay in line, please.

[Man #2]

I know how to play air hockey!

[Man]

You each get a chance.

[chattering]

[whistles]

[camera beeps]

Fiona.

Hey, Fi...

you're probably

already on the plane.

I just wanted to apologize

again for this morning.

I don't know what's

going through my head.

- I just--

- Is that your car?

[imitating static]

Bad connection. Yeah.

The geeks are revolting.

Like, literally.

My name's Cynthia Rose.

- You can call me Cyn.

- Okay.

- [bells jingle]

- [starts engine]

[tires screeching]

The guy was so serious.

"You must be

so proud of those."

I was like,

"Dude, they're my breasts,

they're not my S.A.T. scores."

So, I thought if I flashed him

he'd shut up,

but who knew the whole store

would flip out?

I'm sorry, I forgot.

How long did you say

you've been living on this planet?

[laughs]

[Narrating]

Coffee became cocktails,

cocktails became dinner,

and dinner became...

You guessed it.

Air hockey.

Darn it!

I thought your centerfold

said air hockey was your game.

Are you always this

suave and arrogant?

Well, it's only two

of my many adjectives.

I can't believe

I'm talking like this.

I'm getting married

in less than two weeks.

My fiance is doing this

bachelorette spa thing this weekend--

Wait a minute,

you're getting married?

Yep.

Well, why didn't you say so?

That changes everything!

How would you like

to do me a favor?

A favor?

What kind of fav--

Don't worry.

It'll end in sex.

[Trixie]

Yes, number 31, Cynthia Rose.

You know this is the most

maniacal sh*t ever, right?

Trix, I'm sure there's some

logical explanation for all this.

I'm not going to

wait around for it.

- [snaps]

- Keys?

[Roderick narrating]

Cynthia Rose wanted to bring

a presentable man

home to Daddy.

The favor would last

another 24 hours.

Meeting another father

under the guise of boyfriend

felt more like cheating

than the cheating.

But as paper beats rock,

desire beats guilt.

Desire beats everything.

[Cynthia]

I just said that I like baking,

and the next day, the centerfold

family came up with this concept.

It was like

a built-in kitchen set

with this apron that--

Don't abuse the word "family.

You know as well as I do,

they're just making you

an accomplice

in your own exploitation.

Well, that's better than

not being an accomplice

in my own exploitation.

You asked me what makes a man,

Roderick, and I'm going to tell you.

[Roderick narrating]

Actually, I hadn't asked.

But there was no stopping Victor Rose III.

Yes, her father

was the Victor Rose,

entrepreneur extraordinaire.

Getting to have sex tonight

was going to be more complicated

than I could ever imagine.

My parents believed in tradition,

honor, dignity, faith, and free trade,

and separate bedrooms for couples

that are not married.

A toast to the fiery Rose family.

- [woman groaning]

- May you--

Sorry, Roderick.

Every family has

a sick grandmother,

and Granny C just happens to be

really old and really scary.

Stop! Mother deserves

some respect,

not to be treated like a leper.

Despite her grotesque skin disease.

[high-pitched moaning]

Dessert, Roderick?

[knocking]

[Roderick]

Are you decent?

[Cynthia]

Absolutely!

[mimicking Victor]

Dessert, Roderick?

[snickers]

Oh. Uh...

You asked if I was decent.

You didn't ask if--

Yes, my roommate in college

always used to do that gag.

It plays better with you.

Lots.

Believe it or not,

you did pretty good tonight.

Great.

That old bear down the hall

is going to be simply crushed

when we break up.

You know, your father

seems pretty serious

about the separate bedroom edict.

The greater the danger,

the greater the thrill.

That's what I say.

Give me five minutes.

I'm two doors down to the left.

Some guys have this annoying habit

of stopping to ask me

if they're boinking me too hard.

Don't ask and don't stop.

Foreplay's for losers.

Hmm.

Better make that three minutes.

Yeah.

- [puts on condom]

- [sighs]

- [moaning softly]

- [woman moaning softly]

[both moaning louder]

Oh...yes.

[Victor]

What's going on in there?

Ooh, who died?

It's all right, Roderick.

Mother prayed for

this day many times.

She's at peace now.

She can keep my son company.

Say hello to Vic, Jr., Mommy!

Cyn. Sir, I'm so sorry.

- You must really--

- Yeah, whatever.

She was ancient

and my brother was a jerk.

What was with you last night?

Why didn't you come?

Come?

With your father

barging in like that,

didn't really leave a lot of time

for either one of us

to hit the jackpot.

You know, as they say,

if at first you don't succeed,

try, try again.

What are you talking about?

Why didn't you come to my room?

I didn't see you at all.

I guess it was

pretty dark, but--

Mother had the strangest,

sweetest, little smile on her face.

I'm convinced that her last moments

on this mortal coil

were ones of pleasure.

When you said

two doors to the left,

did you mean

your left or my left?

What are you talking--

I don't know, I guess

it was my left. Why?

Granny C happens to be

really old and...

C. as in Cynthia,

as in Cynthia Rose,

as in number 31 on your list,

as in there's more than one, dipshit!

You f***ed my mother!

[screaming]

- [slams door]

- [screaming continues]

[screaming, crying]

And if you were to put

your hand on the bun...

[screaming]

[Narrating]

I raced home to tell Fiona everything.

Okay, not everything.

Not anything.

What woman, a week

before her wedding,

wants to hear about

some crazy list of women?

Not to mention, I mean

really not to mention,

her future husband's involvement

with an 88-year-oId Ieper.

I was sure Fiona would

take me into her arms.

- Honey, I'm home!

- Instead, she just took.

I never liked this couch.

Fi?

Fiona, what have you done?

- Why are you--

- You're getting off easy and you know it.

I don't understand.

I adore you.

I want to make you my wife.

It's like you've got

this lost, far-away look,

like you're thinking about

the hundreds of other women

you plan to sleep with

before you die.

Hundreds?

Keep going.

You're the guy

who notices haircuts.

- You never forget Valentine's Day.

- No.

You always have the right,

supportive thing to say,

even if you don't mean it.

You're not some evil,

sexist jerk, Rod.

So who are you?

I am someone that will

love and support you--

Oh.

It's not an oral exam.

I'm going to get up

off this couch now.

I'm going to walk to the door.

[sighs]

Do I want you to stop me?

Yes.

Just as my hand is on the knob,

I want you to tackle me

and hold me and tell me

that you can never let me go,

while tears stream

down both our faces.

But you better mean it, Rod.

Because right now,

you're just one

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