Sex And Death 101 Page #2

Oh. Yeah. "What list?"

Hey! You two jokers

in the back!

Show Precious some respect!

This is a bachelor party.

It ain't fun and games.

Who wants to play

musical lap dances?

- [men hoot]

- [rock]

[man snoring]

[rowdy yelling]

- [music stops]

- Aw! Too bad!

- [smooch]

- [men chatter]

Goodbye!

[rock]

[vomiting]

Mm. You call this decadence?

Bro, it was you!

If only women knew.

The bachelor party.

The best commercial for marriage.

Cream for your coffee?

Mm! Uh, no thanks. Carbs.

You laughing at the old coot?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I am.

Hey, what about you?

You're walking around

your own party, here,

obsessing about

your former conquests.

Well, it's actually

a little more complicated.

I was fine until this morning.

I got this crazy list of women--

No! No! No!

I don't wanna see it.

You don't wanna see it.

Hell, you probably sent it

to yourself when you were drunk.

If you're looking for a way out...

Rod, you'll find it.

No, it-- it's nothing like that.

Stop looking.

Hang in here for another hour.

Get married next week.

Have a kid.

Reinvent the tater tot! Make a lot

of money! Have another kid.

- Say, "Thanks, Zack."

- Okay. Thanks, Zack.

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe you're right.

Yo! Groom.

- Grand finale.

- [men whooping]

Don't worry.

Lester's paid for it.

[loud yammering]

Yikes.

How's that for

ham radio, buddy?

- [drunken laughter]

- Yeah!

- [Precious giggling] Oh, yeah! Yeah!

- [door knobs jostling]

- [Rod moans]

- [Precious] Give it to me, big boy!

[Roderick]

Oh, that's the way you like it?

Oh, yeah! Harder!

[giggling]

This is my oldest. He's four.

- F*** me!

- This is your oldest?

Wow. He's a good-looking kid.

He's gonna break a lot of hearts.

- Yes! Yes!

- [giggles]

- Yes!

- Goddammit! Harder!

So are you planning on

having kids with your wife?

Well, definitely. Yeah.

But you know, right now, we can't even

agree on what kind of dog to--

Whoa! Precious,

I told you I don't want

- to cross the line of--

- [unzips]

- Whoa!

- [opens condom packet]

- Oh, gosh.

- [both laugh]

I'm so sorry.

I honestly thought

you were kidding about

all that "men can be feminists, too" stuff.

Can you blame me for the confusion?

Well, just because I'm giving you

a standing ovation, my darling,

doesn't mean that we

have to, you know-- I--

- I think we better--

- Got it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Doin' it--

Hey, I don't want you to take

any of this personally.

I just-- you know.

Goddamn, what kind

of condom is this?

Your fiance is lucky.

She's got one of the good ones.

I wish I was more into

successful white dudes,

but, um--

[giggles]

two broke Latin husbands, and--

Jesus, stop me.

[laughs]

Anyway, man, gracias.

Seriously.

Gracias?

Um, Precious, your real name

wouldn't happen to be Carlotta...

- [squish]

- [gasps] Valdes?

How did y--

Who told you that?

Um, I think your bodyguard

might have mentioned it.

Like that a**hole

knows my real name.

So, you staying back there, or...

[softly]

Why is it so quiet in there?

- [Roderick narrating] Carlotta Valdes.

- [chair squeaking]

Number 30.

This was more than

a bachelor party trick,

more than a loyalty test.

This was sex.

And I had a print-out.

I was in the throes of

a sacrilegious epiphany,

in possession of

a magical document

that promised

an embarrassment of b*tches.

And yet, did it

void my earlier,

rather impassioned soliloquy

about how it's time?

To settle down?

To marry Fiona?

Right then, I nobly revowed

my eternal resistance

to other women.

Remember how freaked out you were

when you first noticed

the centerfold was

younger than you?

Ah, yes, the...

central trauma of

every American male.

Look at this baby.

- And I mean baby.

- [sirens]

Born in 1984. 1984.

My life was, like, done by '84.

- What are her turn-ons?

- Mmm....

Pudding, air hockey,

and pudding.

[sputters]

Bimbo said "pudding" twice.

[snickers]

I do like air hockey.

"Cynthia Rose is

looking for a man

who's confident, successful,

with a nice set of abs."

Well, zero out of three ain't bad.

What did you say her name was?

[turning pages]

Cynthia Rose.

Nice.

Oh...

[chuckles]

Thank you.

Dude, you're not

gonna buy the issue?

[footsteps]

You look like a Carl.

Can I call you Carl?

You talking to me?

You ever fantasize

about escaping, Carl?

Escaping this land,

this magical land

of the newsstand,

where all the girls

are right about

to pull off their panties,

but they never quite do.

Must be kind of frustrating.

Look, if you don't like

the merchandise, babe,

pssht!

Found this on

your dashboard.

It's a unique color.

Kinda like the one

the Parkside Peeper wears.

Wait. Uh...

[sighs heavily]

Look, I have a disease.

- Okay?

- Okay.

And you could say that

I, too, am a victim,

- because--

- Hey! No. Carl.

Don't get me wrong.

I think it's kinda hot.

I mean, how would I know

you were watching

if I wasn't watching you?

Wha-- You've been

peeping on me peeping?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. That is hot.

Wait, I c--

I can't tell if you're playing

some feminazi mindfuck game on me

or if you're really trying to seduce me.

Well, Carl, why don't we go back

to my hotel and find out?

P*ssy is da' bomb. No?

This is a joke, right?

Ten seconds on

the shot clock, Kobe.

- Come on! I--

- [chuckles]

- This stuff only happens in the movies--

- Five--

I'm the only one

working this shift, I--

Get out of here.

Are you gay?

Are you impotent?

Or are you just chicken?

Honey?

Sweetie, look.

Your tuxedo.

- Rod?

- [Rod narrating] Perhaps it wasn't

time after all.

Don't worry, I didn't cancel

the wedding or anything.

I'm not an a**hole.

I needed to figure things out.

Of course, I didn't

bring up number 31,

Cynthia "Miss April" Rose.

I stuck to the basics.

"It's not you, it's me."

"I don't want to get married

just to get married."

I think I even threw in

a "things have been crazy at work."

Fiona took it well... too well.

I think my sweetie has

a little case of cold feet.

You're nervous.

I'd be scared if you weren't.

It's more than that, Fi.

I said, I think my sweetie

has a little case of cold feet.

You're nervous.

I'd be scared if you weren't.

I'm being honest.

We're getting married

in 11 days, Roderick.

We are past the point of honesty.

We have a goddamn church booked.

Deposits...

orchids.

And you drop this

on me right now

before I'm about

to get on a plane

to go away with the girls

to a spa for the weekend,

you goddamn son of a--

Orchids...

[crying]

[Narrating]

It was one thing to upheave my own life,

but to break the heart of another

was too much for me.

I told Fiona what

she needed to hear

and provided

the requisite snuggles.

That's when I saw it.

No, not that.

This.

Pardon my f***ing French,

but we're talking about

a f***ing centerfold here.

F***ing a f***ing

centerfold, if you will.

And believe me, I will.

Last fling like this, I'll never have to look

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