Sex Drive

Hello, my name is Sean Anders.

Screenwriter and director of Sex Drive.

Hi, John. I didn't see you there.

-This is John Morris.

-Screenwriter and producer of Sex Drive.

-Welcome to the unrated...

-Uncircumcised...

...edition of...

-...Sex Drive.

-Sex Drive.

How many times has this happened to you?

You purchase an unrated DVD to view

with your friends. Only with your friends...

Only to find that you got the same

old movie with a few extra curse words,

and maybe an additional tit or two.

-What a jip.

-And how...

Not this time.

That's right, John.

On this unrated DVD we promise you,

the viewer,

a genuinely wacky, zany

and unrated viewing experience.

-We promise...

-Plus, we promise more tits.

Bare tits like these.

These tits are good.

Plus, more cock, like this.

That's good cock, John.

That's right, John, and that's not all,

we promise lots of additional scenes,

takes and other bullshit

that will make the movie way too long.

And this means a lower standard

of filmmaking for you,

-the viewer.

-The viewer.

So, if you've never seen Sex Drive before,

please, for real,

do not watch this version first.

Watch the real theatrical version

and then come back and watch this one.

Why?

Yes, because this version

of the movie is going to suck.

Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you.

I have this exact same tribal tattoo.

Mine's one my... It's on my back.

But actually I have a town car outside

if you wanna go see...

(ALL LAUGHING)

ANDERS:
All right.

Why don't you do one more?

IAN:
We open up against Michigan

in two weeks.

Coach's got me hitting the bench

pretty hard.

Sh*t. How much is a lot?

One... No, two.

I'm putting up three hundy.

Well, let's see, Tasty.

(EXHALES)

Wow!

Um...

Wow, you're really pretty.

I've never seen...

No, stop it, stop it.

Don't be so f***ing desperate.

Come on, be a dick. Be cool.

MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME: Don't be

a p*ssy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.

Yeah.

Not bad.

I've seen better.

Yeah, whatever.

Coach's got us running two-a-days,

so I gotta bounce.

(BLANKET RUSTLES)

Miss Tasty? How did you get here?

Shh!

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(SNORING)

Ian, wake up, f*ggot. Judge rolls in 20,

so if you want a ride to work

you better get your poop in a group.

-Okay, I'll be right down.

-No. Now, Clay Aiken.

-All right.

- No, now, homo.

-Just give me a minute.

-No, no, no, no. Now, sissy.

-Just...

-No, now, chode-stroker.

Now, ball bag.

Hey...

-Ow! Cut it out.

-Hurts, doesn't it?

Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, Big D, sorry. Go back to sleep.

You're golden.

-You, get your ass up.

-Give me a minute.

What're you doing under there, huh?

What're you doing?

You're firing off your skin pistol?

Come on, get up. What are you hiding?

You got a big fattie under there, don't you?

Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.

What the F?

Your little brother's sleeping

not ten feet away. Jesus Christ!

Good. My boys are all here.

-Dad, Ian's free...

-Can it, Rex.

Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,

so ears open.

Last night,

your old man popped the question.

(LAUGHS)

Show them, Karen.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm so happy.

Hey, way to go!

Ian, you wanna get off your duff

and come over here and give Karen a hug?

Um...

-Yeah, Ian, come on. You're being rude.

-Can we do that later?

-Damn it, Ian, get up...

-No, no, honey. It's okay.

We have to give him time

to get used to the idea.

IAN'S DAD:
Karen?

REX:
Are you okay?

IAN'S DAD:
Karen? Karen, honey?

REX:
You okay?

Sweetheart?

What smells like jizz?

(LET'S GET IT UP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(HONKING)

Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(LAUGHS)

Come on, get in. Get in!

(GRUNTS)

(REX LAUGHING)

REX:
You suck!

Okay, seriously.

Quit being such a fag and get in.

(SINGING) Never go down

So let's get it up

(SINGING ALONG)

(COUGHS)

Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question,

and I want a straight answer.

-You queer?

-What?

-God damn it! I knew it!

-I didn't say anything.

Exactly. If someone asks you

if you're a pole smoker,

you just deny it, straight off.

No pause, no farting around.

Rex, I'm not gay.

-Dad thinks you're gay.

-What?

-You're breaking the old man's heart.

-No, I'm not. I told him I'm not.

Ian, you're 18,

and you've never had a girlfriend.

That's how people wind up getting gay,

you know.

I don't think that's really how it happens.

Is that not how it happens?

So tell me how it happens, expert.

F***ing cock expert. Cockspert.

Hey, what do you like better,

the shaft or the balls?

-That's gross.

-You like them both, don't you?

It's like, sometimes like, Tuesdays you want

the big, old f***ing shiny-ass cock,

and Wednesdays and Thursdays

you're on to the balls.

-I don't know why you're talking about it.

-You can't choose, can you?

That's a tough one.

You love it and you're obsessed with it.

No, you are. You keep talking about it.

Why're you smiling at me? I'm serious.

Don't f***ing smile at me. You know

I'll knock you out of this goddamn earth.

What does it taste like?

Like, right when you take your mouth off

and it's like kind of

like you can almost see your reflection

in that f***ing cock.

Smack you in the face with it a little bit.

-You don't like that?

-I don't eat...

Just cut. Just like, shiny f***ing stiff,

hot vascular mushroom head.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, every guy's got a fantasy

about another guy,

but you got to bury that sh*t way down.

This is America, God damn it.

There is...

There is a girl that I've been kind of...

All right, I'm listening.

Where'd you meet her?

On the... Online.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What? For f***'s sake, Ian,

don't you watch Dateline?

She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude

who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

But you'd love that, wouldn't you?

'Cause you're a homo.

Hey, Ian. Try not to come home any gayer

than you are now.

(LAUGHING)

Seriously, though. You're a fag.

Hey, don't look at me like that.

I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.

(GOT YOU PLAYING)

(SINGING) Hey

What's your favorite song?

Maybe we could hum along

Well, I think you're smart,

you sweet thing

Tell me your name,

I'm dying here

Got you where I want you

Yeah

(SIGHS)

-Hey, Becca. How are you?

-I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca.

Looks like you had a long, nasty night.

-Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno.

-Whatever. You guys are gross.

-I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.

-Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?

-No, Becca, I did it yesterday.

-Please, Ian.

I love you so much.

Hello. This is a coupon for six free...

No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.

-Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.

-Thanks.

You're welcome. Sorry.

Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?

-It's just past the movie theater.

-Thanks, man.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, real funny.

Free donuts, free coupons.

TIFFANY:
Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?

Well, you look nice.

You know, sweetie,

there's still time to have your b*obs done

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