Sex Drive Page #2

before my wedding.

Darren and I already discussed them,

and he said he'd pay for it.

I mean, he's a dentist,

so it's totally not a big deal.

Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?

Oh! Sure, sweetie.

Do you have a stringie?

Oh, no. I was just hoping

you could slit my wrists for me quickly.

My husband killed himself last Christmas.

I am so sorry. I was just...

Hello. This is a coupon

for six free donuts. Donuts?

Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.

Hey, sweetheart, listen.

Please don't take this the wrong way,

but your whole trying too hard thing,

it's just coming across as needy,

you know?

And I think you're better than that,

Kimberly.

-But all I was saying was that...

-Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?

I mean, Christ,

I'm out buying him clothes right now.

He's 18 years old.

I don't have to do that sh*t anymore.

Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,

I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.

Well, it's official, Lance,

your mom's still bat-sh*t crazy.

What? You're telling me

she doesn't sh*t-talk me?

No, actually, she doesn't.

She doesn't, ever.

All right. Let me give you some advice,

Lance, all right?

Don't ever get married.

Just an endless parade of horseshit.

And whatever you do, man,

always wear a rubber. Christ.

Nice. Always classy.

Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...

Come on, dawg.

Hey, sir. I've got something yummy

for your little girl.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

-Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?

-IAN:
I don't know.

Is there a cock and balls

on the front of me again?

-Like a little tree trunk.

-IAN:
Thank you.

Oh, my God.

-Whoa. You look pretty.

-God, shut up, Ian!

What? I'm just saying,

you usually dress so... You look nice.

Ian, why do you got to work the mouth

when you talk to us?

-Yeah, Ian.

-Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.

Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,

you gonna bring her to my party tonight?

-Yeah, I asked her. She said no.

-Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.

That's what you say about everyone.

She made you wear

the f***ing costume again, right?

-You know, I don't mind...

-Dude, if you told her to f*** off,

she'd be two knuckles deep right now

daydreaming about your big black cock.

Ian, do not listen to him.

Okay, girls want a nice guy

who's gonna treat them well.

-Really?

-Yes. Really.

Look, all I'm saying is

everybody wants a challenge.

-Everybody wants...

-What they can't get. I know, I got it.

Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feels like

I'm teaching you to walk sometimes.

-That sh*t does not work.

-It works on you.

No, it doesn't.

Felicia!

Balls! I got to go.

Evil cousin's spending the weekend.

-Pretty cousin?

-Ian, she's the anti-Christ.

-She's still super hot.

-F*** you, too. See you.

So what happened with Becca?

You been doing like I told you,

being a dick?

Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.

I'd say... No, not really.

I mean, you know,

I've sort of been practicing

your whole being-a-dick thing

with this girl I met online.

-And I get it, but I just...

-Thanks.

I don't think I could do that for real.

Dude, sure you can.

I believe in you, you know.

You just got to stop worrying

about being the good guy all the time.

I mean, okay,

look at Andy and Randy over there.

You think they care

what women think about them?

They could give a f***.

-What's up? What's up?

-What's up, what's up?

Hi. I'm collecting for

the underprivileged children of Ecuador.

-Would you like to help?

-Not really.

-We don't have any money.

-No jobs.

You wanna party?

Um... I'm kind of working right now.

-When are you done?

-Yeah, what are you doing after?

I have a church thing tonight.

-Kick ass, we'll come.

-Yeah, where is it?

Is there gonna be

more hot snatch like you there?

Those guys are total nards.

They never get anywhere.

That's just 'cause they don't know

how to close.

But they're ability to open

is f***ing heroic.

-Do you wear thong underpants?

-Do you want us to take our shirts off?

-What color bra are you wearing?

-Is your mom hot, too?

Are you into me?

-Where do you live?

-What color car do you have?

-Where do you live?

-What's your address?

-Do you want us to come over?

-Do you like pizza?

We've been to a motel.

-F*** off, donut.

-Rex, it's me.

What the f*** is this all about?

I broke the key off of our locker.

I couldn't get my clothes out.

Stow that sh*t in the trunk.

Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.

REX:
(LAUGHING) You suck.

Becca? Hey.

Wow, I didn't know

that you were coming over.

Cool. I didn't even know

that you knew where I lived. I mean...

-Yeah, I do.

-Yeah.

-So...

-Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...

I broke my key off

and Ron let me borrow the...

Anyway, so this is great.

You changed your mind.

Now, the party, it doesn't start

-for a few hours.

-Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.

-Dylan?

-Yeah. Is he here?

-My 14-year-old brother Dylan?

-Yeah.

-DYLAN:
Nice underpants, Ian.

-Snap! Dang, that was funny.

You know he's 14, right?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Laura, Cindy, this sh*t is totally gratuitous.

I love it.

(COUGHING)

-Hey, congrats. Good to see you.

-Hey.

Is this the plan?

Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.

Get off your wallflower ass.

-Are you smoking cigars now?

-Yes.

-Hey, Lance. Tight party.

-Okay, rude.

You can see

I'm having a conversation here.

Now, I'll be with you

in a few minutes, okay?

-Thank you.

-We're sorry.

-Don't apologize to her.

-I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, I'm gonna go see

who Felicia's talking to.

No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?

I know you guys are BFF and all that sh*t,

but tonight's about getting that dick

a little daylight.

Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,

where you going?

Come here, we're not done. Get in here.

-You know my boy Ian?

-Yeah. No. I don't know.

-You used to be on my paper route.

-Okay, sure. My mom likes you.

F***ing A your mom likes Ian. Look at him.

He's a big, bright crimson king. Right?

You know what else?

Ian is a bust-ass virgin.

(SPLUTTERS)

I'm so sorry.

Don't let that deter you from f***ing him.

(GIGGLING)

Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.

I got into the University of Wisconsin,

and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,

'cause that's where...

-Are you gonna go to college?

-University of Boulder.

It's a great party school.

You know, I read that they have

a really great astronomy program.

I don't know if that's

what you're going there for or...

Because it's really high elevation,

and you can see the stars really well...

Planets.

Wow! A little tip action there.

That's really suggestive.

I'm not saying that

you're gonna do that on my, well...

You can just stick with my finger

if you want 'cause this feels great, so...

You're really good at that.

That's really wet. Two...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(POPPING)

-FELICIA:
Ian! Dude!

-I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?

Hello. Hello?

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