Sex Drive Page #3

-Hey!

-Hey! What up?

-What are you doing in there, man?

-What're you doing out here, man?

-I asked you first.

-Nothing.

No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,

so then I had to...

-I thought you had, like, a girl in there.

-Yeah, right. I wish.

So, okay.

So, are your parents, like, still going

to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They all take off in the morning.

Okay. Awesome.

'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,

so, I don't know,

you think, like, maybe I could hang

at your place this weekend?

Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.

It'll be fun.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.

Hey, I have a secret.

(LAUGHS)

-Okay.

-But it's like a girl secret, so...

-Can you handle it? Are you sure? Okay.

-Yeah.

Hey, Dibits, f*** off.

Okay, so I... Oh my God, this is so lame.

-Look at you acting like such a girl.

-I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.

I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.

Yeah? Well, who is it?

Come on, you know me better than anyone.

I bet you know who it is.

Come on, guess.

Um...

I think I know.

(GASPING)

I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.

You're so easy. You're so easy!

-You're my best friend.

-I know, and you're my best friend.

That's why it's funny that we would kiss,

because we wouldn't.

So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?

Um... Nobody.

-Nobody?

-I... I was kidding, too.

-That is funny.

-It's hilarious.

-That is so funny.

-That is so funny.

Oh! I...

-You got...

-Yeah.

-All right. So...

-Hey!

Okay.

Harsh.

(BUZZING)

(LINDSAY MOANING)

LINDSAY:
Well, come on, Ian.

(STUTTERING)

You know what? I'm good. I'm just gonna...

Ian, come on, baby. Don't be shy.

No, thanks. It looks like

you got your hands full there, so...

MAN:
Sure you don't want to

get in on this, bro?

No, thanks, man.

It looks like you fellows

got it all under control.

So I'm just gonna skedaddle.

You all take care now.

Lindsay, say hi to your mom.

(LINDSAY GASPING)

MAN:
All right. See you later, buddy.

Ian. Dude, where you going?

Sh*t.

(LINDSAY GASPING)

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Goldie, scoot over.

-Hey, babe, you wanna party?

-I'm at a party.

RANDY:
You should pee on us.

ANDY:
Why don't you take a picture, Ian?

Yeah, and post it on

Totalfuckingawesomeness.com.

Backslash-we-rule!

RANDY:
Where'd you come up with that?

-Hey, can I ask you guys a question?

-You just did.

-Can I ask you another question?

-You just did again.

-What's up? What's up?

-What's up, what's up?

Nice hair.

It'll look even better in my crotch.

-Dude, where you going?

-Come on.

What's going on?

Something troubling you? Be a buddy.

-I'm... All right, all right.

-You got to get over the monkey.

Where do you guys get the confidence to,

like, hit on every girl you see?

-'Cause we're the sh*t.

-Yeah, you oughts to know that, b*tch.

(SPITTING)

-So where's Felicia?

-Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

-She's in...

-Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

We're just friends.

-I'm uncircumcised.

-Yeah.

-I'm into you and I'm hard.

-Yeah.

-Hey, I was born to fertilize.

-Yeah.

-I'm a firefighter.

-GIRL:
F*** off!

(SIGHS)

Wait, I thought you took her to prom.

Yeah,

but it was a just-friends kind of thing.

You should bang her. We would.

ANDY:
Dude, we would bang her so hard.

We would take that ass and just...

Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you

if you're not into it.

Yeah. Hard.

-With our d*cks!

-Yeah, our d*cks are huge.

You could see them from space!

What's up?

-What's up?

-Hey, do you have a phone number?

You don't. Okay.

I'll call you from nationals.

-BECCA:
Say it.

-You're my little donut girl.

-Bye, sexy.

-Yo, Ian.

-You want to smell my finger?

-Yeah, okay.

(SNIFFS)

Are you sure you got the right hole?

(SNIFFS)

Kids.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Awesome.

Hmm... '69.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa.

Don't puss out. Be cool.

I don't know.

That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!

Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.

(SLURPING)

(CLANGING)

Holy buckets.

She wants me to give her the D.

(NASTY GIRL PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

(SINGING) Well, honey

What ya got, Mr. Mans?

I got a lot of money

I don't see no keys in my hands

I just wanna nasty girl

(GRUNTS)

Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?

Do you like what you see?

Could you be my nasty girl

and let me do that dirty dance with you?

I can love you long time

(ALL SHAPES AND SIZES PLAYING)

(SINGING)I like 'em all in shapes and sizes

And it don't make no difference to me

If you're short, tall, big or small

Long if there ain't no big surprises

Chances are you'll suit me to a Love beef.

Terry, phone call.

Dude, weren't you in my gym class?

What is it? Egan?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Jordan.

(SCOFFING)

Right. Whatever, scrotch.

You can't get your fist pregnant.

Russ, man, check it out.

Yo, look who's buying jimmys.

You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?

Just ring it up, man.

Karen, let me have that for you.

Dad, what did you do with my helmet?

Ian, honey,

I made you some tollhouse cookies.

I'll just leave these here for you.

I'll get them later.

There's $40 in the cow for fun money,

so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.

Anytime. It's your home now.

(THUDS)

KAREN:
Oh, dear.

-Dude.

-Hey.

What is going on with you?

You bought rubbers?

-How did you know that?

-It's on Russ Miller's blog.

Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.

What's the deal? Dude.

IAN:
She wants me to meet her tonight

at the Big Boy in Knoxville.

This is a f***ing written invitation

to your dick from the Internet.

Oh, Jesus.

Seriously, dude, pack your sh*t.

We're going to Knoxville.

No. Stop it. Put these back.

This is the type of girl who has...

She has it shaved into a landing strip.

I can't deal with a landing strip.

Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,

she could have anything under there.

There could be a little Hitler

or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.

(LAUGHS)

But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh.

You know, she doesn't even want me.

She wants him.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.

I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.

Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.

Maybe. But what if she's not?

You know, I mean, look, you've already

opened, and I could help you close.

We just need one thing.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Ian, just look at this.

I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,

she's gonna drop an egg right there

in the Big Boy parking lot.

Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.

Here. Strap that end down. Tight.

-The cord's too short.

-Put a little sack into it, powder puff.

-All right. Thanks, little brother.

-Yeah.

-Hey, Ian.

-Yeah.

Did I hear something

about you wanting to borrow my car?

No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.

You sure?

You're my little brother, Ian.

All you gotta do is ask.

Okay.

Could I use The Judge this weekend?

(LAUGHING)

F***-stick, I wouldn't let you drive

The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.

-REX:
Let's go, Dad.

-What a dick.

You should take his car just on principle.

What do you want me to do, you know?

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