Sex Drive Page #4

I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,

since I don't even know what that means.

What are you doing?

(LAUGHS)

No. Lance, no! Put it back.

Did you just hear him? Please.

Come here, we're gonna have a talk.

She's only nine short hours away, okay?

We're gonna head down there tonight

and you're gonna put a dent in that sh*t.

Ian's gonna treat it like it's meat

that needs tenderizing.

With his dick instead of a hammer.

You can pound it till it bleeds.

Yeah, it's just a f***ing girI's mess,

and then we're gonna be...

(LAUGHING)

-What're you doing?

-MAN:
Still rolling.

Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.

Ian's gonna pound on it.

We're back tomorrow

before Rex even knows the car is gone.

Now, listen, these girls at Madison are

gonna be f***ing at a college level.

(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)

I need you ready for that.

Wait! Put it... Put it back.

Back here.

For God's sake. You two rump rangers

couldn't wait five minutes?

(GRUNTS)

(HONKING)

Sh*t.

-Sh*t!

-F***!

I told her she could stay here this weekend.

Dude, what the hell?

Why are you driving Rex's car?

I thought me and...

-Are you bitching out on me?

-No.

-No.

-No.

Good. Well, then where are we going?

Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.

Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.

Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.

Dude, what the f***?

-I don't want her along.

-Really?

You don't want to bring Yoko

on your sex trip?

Yeah, no sh*t.

She's always cock-blocking you.

No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Okay, twat blocking.

Professor.

FELICIA'S MOM:
When will you

be coming back?

No, tomorrow.

-FELICIA'S MOM:
When?

-No. Bye! God.

FELICIA'S MOM:
You guys

drive safe now. Bye!

So, what's in Tennessee?

My grandma has got some cancer.

-Grammy K?

-IAN:
She's fine.

She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.

It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?

-It's foot cancer.

-She's got a little foot cancer.

She'll be hopping around in no time.

So what's she doing in Tennessee?

Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass

cancer center there.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, it's like... It's famous.

-Yeah.

-So if you ever get any cancer,

you should totally check it out.

(TIME TO PRETEND PLAYING)

I would.

LANCE:
So you want I-80 East and then

65 goes all the way through Indiana.

-So how's it feel?

-IAN:
What?

I don't know, breaking the rules,

talking some sh*t, driving The Judge?

It feels pretty good.

(SINGING) I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw

I'm in the prime of my life

Let's make some music, make some money

Find some models for wives

This is our decision

To live fast and die young

We've got the vision

Now let's have some fun

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah

(ENGINE REVVING)

This dude wants to race.

Let's go, ladies.

Lance! Cut it out!

Come on, you don't know who's in there.

Dude, I don't care if f***ing Steve

McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.

I refuse to be embarrassed by a car

that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

I am not racing in my brother's car.

IAN:
Holy sh*t.

What the hell is that?

Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.

And a chalupa!

Medium Coke!

(SCREAMING)

Go right!

FELICIA:
Turn the wipers on!

IAN:
They are on.

FELICIA:
They're not working!

IAN:
Please, don't yell at me.

I'm doing the best I can.

-Winnebago!

-IAN:
Where?

Winnebago! Winnebago!

(SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

Oh, my God, are you all right?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, nobody offer to help.

I got this under control.

(SNIFFLES)

-Are you all right?

-Do I look like I'm all right? F***!

You know what might make you feel better?

Putting 40 on pump two.

Hey. You okay in there?

(MAN WHOOPING)

God damn!

My back teeth are snorkeling.

Sweet relief.

(SNIFFLES)

You got the shy bladder?

-Yeah.

-Damn.

Paruresis. That's what they call it.

Let me tell you something.

I didn't catch your name.

It's Ian.

Let me tell you something, Ian.

I had it something fierce.

You can do it, Ian. You can do it.

Go running down by your sister.

Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump.

Yeah? You move your meat,

you lose your seat. Hmm.

Logan, do not eat that.

You will f*** up your appetite!

Damn.

Listen, Reba.

If you value the rest of your teeth,

you will shut off that pump.

So I tells my daddy, "You know what?

You're not the boss of me.

"Not you, not Angie,"

that's that girl I was telling you about.

"And sure as hell not this bladder of mine."

Well, he looked at me,

and you should have...

Ian. Where you going? Don't give up.

Jesus. I've been pissing for an hour.

-Another one for the collection.

-Cool. Thanks.

What?

(SOBBING)

It's okay, Brandy.

It's okay, baby, don't cry.

Lance, what are you doing?

Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,

because I'm just trying to show

another human being a little compassion.

And my dick.

(SHUSHING)

It's okay, baby. Just let those tears fall.

You know why?

'Cause our love will dry them up.

Love will keep us alive. Just like that song.

You know that song?

That's our song now.

That song represents our bond.

Don Henley's words represent our love.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

What have you got?

Hey, kid, where you from?

-I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.

-Are you two married. No?

-No, we're just friends. We're amigos.

-You make a good couple.

She's pretty. Marry that girl.

See my lady and I here,

we've been married forever.

And I tell you she was gorgeous.

The first day I saw her,

I said, "This is gonna be my wife."

And you know what? It happened.

I tell you,

that was a very good year for corn.

Made lots of money.

I fixed my 4X4 and bought my lady

a sexy French lingerie.

Boy, those were the best six bucks

I ever spent.

You kids want to help yourself

to a can of Purple?

-Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?

-Yeah, I can go...

Say, the boys still hanging?

-You ever had a peppermint fatty?

-No. Let's have that.

See how that shoe fits.

(MOANS)

Oh my God. Do you have a degree in this?

You know that thing,

when runners say they break the wall?

You know, and it's all good after that?

I feel like that

when my dick's in your mouth.

It actually says Purple Soda.

(LANCE EXCLAIMING)

BRANDY:
Bad boy.

You like him, don't you?

-What? Who?

-Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?

Oh, yeah!

I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.

I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

RICK:
Brandy!

FELICIA:
Uh-oh!

Brandy! Sh*t.

-Howdy.

-Howdy.

Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.

Where the f***'s Brandy at?

(BRANDY GIGGLING)

-You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?

-No. Let's try it.

You bleach that.

Wait. No, no, no, no! Nothing brown!

Nothing brown! Nothing brown!

What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?

No, but I'm gonna

pummel his ass real good.

There you go. There you go.

Hey!

I have to go to church.

Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!

All right, this is not what it looks like.

It was a project for school.

Purple Soda!

(SODA CAN HISSING)

(RICK GRUNTING)

Wiener!

Ow!

There you are.

Come on, come on.

I do not want to die naked.

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