Sex Drive Page #5

(LAUGHING)

F*** you!

Motherfucking son of a b*tch!

Get on your feet, you motherfucking p*ssy!

I'm gonna ask you this just one time.

Did she give you the nugget?

Hey, hold on!

Come on, man, she's not worth it.

She's just gonna sh*t all over you.

Trust me.

-She touch your butthole?

-No, no. Jesus, no!

-Let's see!

-I thought she was a man. I'm gay.

I'm gay as hell.

(LAUGHING)

Eat bat, d*ckhead!

Holy sh*t!

(LAUGHS)

Ian just killed that guy.

Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Are you all right?

Look, I have my insurance card.

I'm sorry. We're from out of town.

I couldn't see you through the corn.

I'm sorry.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

IAN:
Where the hell's the road?

FELICIA:
It feels like left.

IAN:
I told you we didn't have

time for this,

-but all you care about is your stupid dick.

-Ian.

And you leave us out there

with her mom's weird soda.

-Ian.

-And her dad's balls in plain view...

Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!

RICK:
Motherf***er!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

Holy f***ing sh*t! That's how you do that!

Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.

Lance, you suck!

FELICIA:
Where the hell are we?

IAN:
Where are the Google maps?

-They're in my pants.

-Which are?

In the trailer.

Mmm-hmm. Great.

Sh*t. I got gum in my bush.

Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can

show us back to the highway.

-Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker.

-Don't worry, I won't.

(ENGINE CHOKING)

No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.

I've been out there for hours.

Not one car. Can you believe it?

-Listen, sir, we didn't...

-You're good people.

-Guy, you're not wearing any pants.

-Yeah, I know.

Right on.

Let's go. We better go.

Hey, you got my stuff.

Hey, real quick, guys,

what's the story of the girl?

-I'm 25 years old.

-I don't know what he's talking about.

I got nothing. There's no bars.

You know, it probably just needs water.

Got any in the trunk?

Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.

We got this one.

Yeah, thanks,

but this happened to my brother's car once

-and you just piss in the radiator.

-Really?

FELICIA:
Yeah.

Oh, God! Damn it!

(GROANING)

-Are you okay?

-F***. Yeah.

LANCE:
That's a lesson learned.

You can watch,

if you're into that kind of thing.

Wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen

your dick enough for one day.

-IAN:
Do you hear that? There's a ringing.

-Your loss. It's like razor blades.

IAN:
What? There's ants down here. FYl.

All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.

Okay. Go away.

Dude, seriously? Still?

I thought you got over this sh*t.

You're a grown man.

(WHISPERING) Flowing river, gentle stream.

Flowing river, gentle stream.

-Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?

-Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.

-Why?

-We just do.

I'm sorry. I just took a squirt

a couple of minutes ago.

You want me to sh*t in it?

-We'll get back to you on that one.

-All right.

-I'm telling you, I could sh*t right now.

-Awesome.

Our new friend's got nothing left

in the tank.

What?

No. Guys, come on.

I don't have the aim that you do.

Every drop helps so much.

Hey, look what I found in my bag.

Thank God.

-No!

-What the f*** are you doing?

You all just wait 20 minutes

and I'll top it off for you.

Could be ten.

Fine, fine. Okay.

But if any of you pervs peek,

I swear to God it will be

your last conscious act.

Sh*t.

(URINATING)

(CHRISTIAN ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO)

You kids need some help?

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

I just beaved a family of four.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

Try it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

All set?

Look, I'm sorry, sir,

but we can't give you a ride.

I'm gonna say this once.

You unlock this f***ing car,

or God is my witness,

I'll stake you all to the ground,

cut you open and let the dogs get at you.

Oh, yeah?

Bye-bye.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

LANCE:
What happened?

IAN:
It's stuck.

Uh-oh.

That didn't work out like you planned,

did it?

You know what? Mostly I'm disappointed.

It shows zero character.

I know, I'm sorry.

And you're a dick.

You're a dick. You know what, ma'am?

You're a dick, too.

-Here's that pee you ordered.

-Roll them up.

-There you go, Tex.

-FELICIA:
You're soaked with pee.

Quick car wash?

-God!

-FELICIA:
Gross.

It smells like beef jerky. You know?

It's just got like that sour sweetness.

IAN:
How can nobody go down a road

for an hour and a half?

Why did they even make this stupid road?

FELICIA:
It's so hot out here.

Ow!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, your head.

Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.

Yes. It hurts.

-What is that?

-Oh, my God.

IAN:
Wow.

That is so beautiful.

Need some help?

(LAUGHS)

-Yeah, but no offense...

-Right, 'cause I'm Amish,

so I wouldn't know anything

about your '69 GTO Judge.

455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,

something like that.

Weird, that thing must have fallen

straight from space.

Well, good luck with the future ride,

spaceman.

Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.

IAN:
Wow!

FELICIA:
Okay.

What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.

No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.

-What?

-Come on.

You don't know how far we have to walk.

Those are your only pair of shoes.

You know what? You're probably right.

God, you're so sensible.

But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?

I should.

I can't believe you just did that.

So he met this chick on the Internet,

which is sketchy.

The Internet?

Yeah, it's like a series of computers

that are connected through...

Computers?

A computer is like a big calculator,

you know, with the screen.

I'm just busting your balls, man.

I know what the Internet is.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Okay.

-You ever heard of Rumspringa?

Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.

No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish

tradition where when we turn 16,

we can go live like you heathens

for a while.

You go nuts, party for months or years

till your folks start hassling you,

and then it's back to the Stone Age.

But if you're on Rumspringa,

what's with the buggy?

Oh, no. I'm not. Not anymore.

I probably shouldn't even be

talking to you but...

I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.

-Sometimes I just miss the world.

-What do you miss the most?

You know, I miss sarcasm.

It's mostly lost on my people.

Oh.

And gambling. Went to Vegas once.

And buttfucking.

Have a lot of nice memories there.

-LANCE:
I hear that.

-Oh, yeah.

Buttfucking.

Wait, are we talking about dudes?

-No.

-Okay. Then yeah.

I mean, unless that's what you're into,

and then, whatever.

-It's not.

-No?

No.

-Not into dudes.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-How old are you?

-Old enough.

(LAUGHS)

How old are you?

This is gonna happen.

It's gonna happen

whether you fight it or not.

So I kind of want you to fight it.

MAN:
Cut.

-All right. Now you.

-No way. Forget it.

Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.

Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country

to go to...

To visit your grandma? Whoa!

So anyway, we're there and she's like...

(IMITATING SOBBING)

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