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Sex Drive Page #6
Oh, yeah.
Like, she won't stop crying.
-That's the funniest thing, too.
-I know.
I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas,
and I was like, "you want this?"
So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."
And I was like,
yeah, this gets hotter by the second.
"What're you crying about?" She's like,
"...wanted to be a doctor."
And I'm like,
"Yeah, you're a f***ing Ph. D. of cock."
-Yeah.
-Yeah, exactly.
And then coercing my load
out on to the crying face.
Vegas in general is just... Good times.
You can get a blowj*b for $10.
Or for free if you meet the right girl
and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."
"What is this blowj*b that you speak of?"
"Your techno music beguiles me."
Let me put it in your butt.
IAN:
You know, when you cut your foot ona piece of glass,
-don't think I'm gonna carry you.
-You know what? I will be fine. Okay?
-I was born barefoot.
-Hey! Wait!
Hey! Stop!
Have a nice walk, sh*t-birds.
BOTH:
Oh!Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
What up, English?
There's no service out here.
-I can't even tell her I'll be late.
-Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
You don't want to come off as desperate.
I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?
-We had sh*t to do.
-Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.
-Sh*t.
-Don't cry. We can fix it.
-Really?
-Yeah, really. We're good at it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,
but it's an impressive thing.
-Yeah. We'll fix it.
-Wow, that'd be cool.
Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Thank you.
-Yeah. You're welcome.
That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.
You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door
if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.
Take it easy while we do all this for you.
-Does he have an attitude?
-No, he's f***ing with you.
Okay.
Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.
You're gonna party with the Amish.
Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.
What's up, man?
-Hey.
-No f-ing way!
(FAME INFAMY PLAYING)
(SINGING) When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself
-This is insane!
-I know.
(WHOOPING)
Signing off, "I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen"
I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen
The kid was all right,
but it went to his head
Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
You guys f***ing rule, man.
Dude. Don't even bother.
Your game is not gonna work on that girl.
What do you know about girls?
I've never even seen you with a girl.
I'm gonna go check on the car.
Yeah, f*** it. Let's dance.
-Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.
-Come on. Don't be hating.
(SCOFFS)
Fine.
EZEKIEL:
So at this point,her panties are off,
but I'm still apprehensive
about her husband being there,
'cause he is just staring at me.
Whoa! Hey, what is this?
Why are the seats out?
Ian, do you know anything
about fixing these old Pontiacs?
I don't care, okay?
Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just
-put them back in there. I don't want...
-Ian, you've gotta calm down.
Do you know any breathing exercises?
Because you are right on the verge
of a freak-out.
You don't know my brother, okay? He's
gonna f*** my ass with a roll of quarters.
What? He's gonna what? With what?
Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early,
and he's gonna walk into the bank,
stand in line, change a 10,
find my ass and just f*** it
with a roll of f***ing quarters.
(LAUGHING)
(CLANGING)
Yeah, witness sucks!
We've got to get that guy laid tonight.
Check it out. It's totally working.
You're the best wing-man ever.
She's in, she's in. Watch this.
GIRL:
Rumspringa! Whoo!-I took a wicked digger.
-Yes, you did.
I think you may have had a little too much
to drink. Maybe you should...
Maybe you should shut your face hole
'cause I've only had one beer ever.
-First day of Rumspringa?
-Rumspringa!
(ALL CHEERING)
-Uh-oh!
-Oh!
(RETCHING)
Hey.
-All right. Okay. You good? All right.
-Aw! You guys are so nice.
Don't let her step in it.
(LAUGHS)
I love you guys 'cause you're awesome.
'Cause you're awesome.
Let's just find a safe place
to sleep it off.
What? What's wrong with you?
-Yeah, what's your problem, b*tch?
-Nothing. I'm fine.
Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.
-It's Lance, right?
-No.
I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl
and you're out here.
Wrong.
Come on, Leesh, just drop
the hard-ass thing for two minutes.
You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.
(SCOFFS)
-God, I'm such an idiot.
-Look, there's something about Lance.
Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.
Just promise me
you won't ever be like Lance.
(SCOFFS)
What is wrong with us?
Let's go have some fun. Come on.
-No. No.
-No?
Come on, we're young, and we're Amish,
and it's Rumspringa.
DRUNK AMISH GIRL: Rumspringa!
(ALL CHEERING)
(GASPING)
Ian, you little cock-sucker!
(ROOSTER CROWING)
(GROANING)
Ah!
Leesh, you're so stubborn.
Look at your feet.
They are fine. All right?
Hey. What's the plan?
I might as well find a phone and call Rex
-so he can get on with killing me.
-What about visiting your grandma?
Yeah, dude. You been putting off
visiting your grandma for too long.
-It's about time you visited Grandma.
-Yeah.
Lance, you know,
I really do want to visit my grandma, but...
Dude, I really can't stress enough how
much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.
You know, I visit my grandma sometimes
and it is always a pleasure.
She's just a delight.
What am I supposed to do?
Our transportation is all over the floor
of that barn.
Hey, Mary!
Hi.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Oh, please.
I mean, seriously, you wearing that,
churning some butter. Sexy.
So I had the best time with you last night.
Yeah, me, too.
So you got my number.
You're gonna call me, right?
No.
(LAUGHS)
"No." You're funny.
I mean, Lance, I really like you,
but Rumspringa's over for me.
-So...
-Rumspringa!
(WHOOPING)
(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)
Sorry.
(ENGINE STARTING)
You fixed it?
Yeah, we hit a few snags,
but she's banging like a champ now.
Man, I don't even...
I don't even know what to say here.
You know, I don't really have much...
Oh, no, we're good. We're good.
I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor,
that's a gift.
Man, you're too... Here, thanks.
Thank you so much.
-You're welcome.
-Thank you, it's really cool.
It is. You know, I mean,
if you felt the need to reciprocate
in some way,
I mean, there's a lot of chores
that need to be done around here.
Yeah, no, the only thing about that is
we're kind of behind schedule right now.
Yeah, but, I mean,
-We could hit you on our way back through.
-Okay.
Yeah, you should.
You should really get on the road.
I mean, you got a smooth-running
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"Sex Drive" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/sex_drive_17862>.
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