Sex Drive Page #6

Oh, yeah.

Like, she won't stop crying.

-That's the funniest thing, too.

-I know.

I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas,

and I was like, "you want this?"

So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."

And I was like,

yeah, this gets hotter by the second.

"What're you crying about?" She's like,

"...wanted to be a doctor."

And I'm like,

"Yeah, you're a f***ing Ph. D. of cock."

-Yeah.

-Yeah, exactly.

And then coercing my load

out on to the crying face.

Vegas in general is just... Good times.

You can get a blowj*b for $10.

Or for free if you meet the right girl

and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."

"What is this blowj*b that you speak of?"

"Your techno music beguiles me."

Let me put it in your butt.

IAN:
You know, when you cut your foot on

a piece of glass,

-don't think I'm gonna carry you.

-You know what? I will be fine. Okay?

-I was born barefoot.

-Hey! Wait!

Hey! Stop!

Have a nice walk, sh*t-birds.

BOTH:
Oh!

Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.

What up, English?

There's no service out here.

-I can't even tell her I'll be late.

-Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.

You don't want to come off as desperate.

I'm driving nine hours.

How am I not coming off desperate?

-We had sh*t to do.

-Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?

You blew your head gasket.

That's not good.

-Sh*t.

-Don't cry. We can fix it.

-Really?

-Yeah, really. We're good at it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,

but it's an impressive thing.

-Yeah. We'll fix it.

-Wow, that'd be cool.

Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?

I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Thank you.

-Yeah. You're welcome.

That's what you say

when people do nice things for you.

You know, there's a pretty big shindig

shaping up next door

if you guys want to hang there

while we work on it.

Take it easy while we do all this for you.

-Does he have an attitude?

-No, he's f***ing with you.

Okay.

Just relax, man.

I got a good feeling about this, you know.

You're gonna party with the Amish.

Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be

one kick-ass quilting bee.

What's up, man?

-Hey.

-No f-ing way!

(FAME INFAMY PLAYING)

(SINGING) When I'm home alone

I just can't stop myself

-This is insane!

-I know.

(WHOOPING)

Signing off, "I'm all right in bed,

but I'm better with a pen"

I'm all right in bed,

but I'm better with a pen

The kid was all right,

but it went to his head

Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.

You guys f***ing rule, man.

(GRAND THEFT AUTUMN /

WHERE IS YOUR BOY PLAYING)

Dude. Don't even bother.

Your game is not gonna work on that girl.

What do you know about girls?

I've never even seen you with a girl.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

Yeah, f*** it. Let's dance.

-Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.

-Come on. Don't be hating.

(SCOFFS)

Fine.

EZEKIEL:
So at this point,

her panties are off,

but I'm still apprehensive

about her husband being there,

'cause he is just staring at me.

Whoa! Hey, what is this?

Why are the seats out?

Ian, do you know anything

about fixing these old Pontiacs?

I don't care, okay?

Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just

-put them back in there. I don't want...

-Ian, you've gotta calm down.

Do you know any breathing exercises?

Because you are right on the verge

of a freak-out.

You don't know my brother, okay? He's

gonna f*** my ass with a roll of quarters.

What? He's gonna what? With what?

Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early,

and he's gonna walk into the bank,

stand in line, change a 10,

find my ass and just f*** it

with a roll of f***ing quarters.

(LAUGHING)

(CLANGING)

Yeah, witness sucks!

We've got to get that guy laid tonight.

Is your sister still a slut?

Check it out. It's totally working.

You're the best wing-man ever.

She's in, she's in. Watch this.

GIRL:
Rumspringa! Whoo!

-I took a wicked digger.

-Yes, you did.

I think you may have had a little too much

to drink. Maybe you should...

Maybe you should shut your face hole

'cause I've only had one beer ever.

-First day of Rumspringa?

-Rumspringa!

(ALL CHEERING)

-Uh-oh!

-Oh!

(RETCHING)

Hey.

-All right. Okay. You good? All right.

-Aw! You guys are so nice.

Don't let her step in it.

(LAUGHS)

I love you guys 'cause you're awesome.

'Cause you're awesome.

Let's just find a safe place

to sleep it off.

What? What's wrong with you?

-Yeah, what's your problem, b*tch?

-Nothing. I'm fine.

Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.

-It's Lance, right?

-No.

I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl

and you're out here.

Wrong.

Come on, Leesh, just drop

the hard-ass thing for two minutes.

You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.

(SCOFFS)

-God, I'm such an idiot.

-Look, there's something about Lance.

Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.

Just promise me

you won't ever be like Lance.

(SCOFFS)

What is wrong with us?

Let's go have some fun. Come on.

-No. No.

-No?

Come on, we're young, and we're Amish,

and it's Rumspringa.

DRUNK AMISH GIRL: Rumspringa!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GASPING)

Ian, you little cock-sucker!

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(GROANING)

Ah!

Leesh, you're so stubborn.

Look at your feet.

They are fine. All right?

Hey. What's the plan?

I might as well find a phone and call Rex

-so he can get on with killing me.

-What about visiting your grandma?

Yeah, dude. You been putting off

visiting your grandma for too long.

-It's about time you visited Grandma.

-Yeah.

Lance, you know,

I really do want to visit my grandma, but...

Dude, I really can't stress enough how

much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.

You know, I visit my grandma sometimes

two or three times a week,

and it is always a pleasure.

She's just a delight.

What am I supposed to do?

Our transportation is all over the floor

of that barn.

Hey, Mary!

Hi.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, please.

I mean, seriously, you wearing that,

churning some butter. Sexy.

So I had the best time with you last night.

Yeah, me, too.

So you got my number.

You're gonna call me, right?

No.

(LAUGHS)

"No." You're funny.

I mean, Lance, I really like you,

but Rumspringa's over for me.

-So...

-Rumspringa!

(WHOOPING)

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)

Sorry.

(ENGINE STARTING)

You fixed it?

Yeah, we hit a few snags,

but she's banging like a champ now.

Man, I don't even...

I don't even know what to say here.

You know, I don't really have much...

Oh, no, we're good. We're good.

I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor,

that's a gift.

Man, you're too... Here, thanks.

Thank you so much.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you, it's really cool.

It is. You know, I mean,

if you felt the need to reciprocate

in some way,

I mean, there's a lot of chores

that need to be done around here.

Yeah, no, the only thing about that is

we're kind of behind schedule right now.

Yeah, but, I mean,

we could totally come back.

-We could hit you on our way back through.

-Okay.

Yeah, you should.

You should really get on the road.

I mean, you got a smooth-running

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