Sex Drive Page #7

vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.

-Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good?

-We're good. Yeah, technically.

I mean, we fixed your car for free,

and you're leaving.

So I'd say that makes us dead square.

We'll come back. I promise.

-I'm looking forward to that.

-Hey, no, seriously, we will.

Okay. We'll all hold our breath

till you get back.

On three, guys. Three, two...

My stomach's killing me.

Tell me if you see a rest stop.

You know, I really feel sorry for Mary

because her lifestyle is keeping her

from being happy.

And that's no way to live.

Lance, don't you know your little theory of

"People want what they can't get."

That's all she is. Ian, gas station.

No. Felicia, this is different okay,

because she changed me.

You know, I'm a butterfly now

because of her.

Because when I'm with her,

I was like a spiritually whole human being.

And if you don't believe that,

you can suck my dick.

(MESSAGE FROM YUZ PLAYING)

F***. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.

'Cause you're a big, giant p*ssy.

That's right.

I'm gonna lift up this door

and my big f***ing glorious bitchy Judge

is gonna be sitting right there

gleaming at me,

or I'm gonna have the f***ing

neighborhood squirrels eat your a**hole.

(MUTTERING)

Want some of this?

He took my f***ing baby.

Cocksucker!

Sh*t!

Hey, Knievel, what say you get

your bike out of the fricking road?

(SINGING) Hey! Hey!

All ocupado, sport?

Sounds like

someone's got one in sideways.

(CHUCKLING)

Gents.

Well, looks like we're up.

Go on, get in there.

(GASPING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Oh!

Am I getting a signal?

Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.

I had to party with some new homies.

Tonight, 8:
00 p.m. at Big Boy.

I'm worth the wait.

Yes!

No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Hello? Little buddy? Hello.

Spooner. Spooner. Spooner.

-LANCE:
Was that you screaming in there?

-I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

-Where's Felicia?

-She went to get corn dogs.

Can you believe

the girls around here, man?

But, man, where am I ever gonna find

another girl as cool as Mary?

You like it?

-What about Felicia?

-What about her?

-She's into you.

-Yeah, no sh*t. Get in line.

What is that?

She's not good enough for you?

Felicia's awesome,

but the obvious statement to make here

is that you like her.

-What? No, I...

-You're shocked. You can't believe it.

-This bombshell. Come on.

-You know, she's not into me anyways.

Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.

I still... I could never do that to you.

Okay, but you do know

that she's not into you, right?

-Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know.

-No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.

There's no maybe. Okay?

And I'm saying this as your best friend,

but never. Never f***ing ever. You know?

Because you guys are friends.

You know what every girl

I've ever banged had in common?

I wasn't friends with any of them.

And usually they have awesome tits,

but not always.

Sometimes you get that bronze medal,

you know?

Real simple.

Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.

Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins,

there's no height requirement.

Why don't you step up

and win your girlfriend a prize?

We're not... She's not my girlfriend.

-What about your other girlfriend there?

-Nice.

All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.

Come on, you're almost there!

You're almost there! Go, go, go!

AUTOMATED MALE VOICE:

Winner! Winner! Winner!

-That was awesome.

-How the hell did you do that?

We had one of these at Cub Scout camp.

I kind of mastered it.

Yeah, you think you're hot sh*t?

-Lolly?

-Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, ass.

Hey. What's your secret?

You just...

If you keep your shoulders down...

-No coaching.

-What?

No coaching there, Lombardi.

Read the sign.

No coaching.

Cheese and rice!

Oh!

-Thanks. I'm Sandy.

-I'm Ian.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-Consolation prize?

-Wow! Thank you so much.

You know, my dance team's performing

over at the tent in a couple of minutes.

You guys should come watch.

-Actually, we were just about to go.

-That sounds super fun. He'll be there.

Great. See you.

Dude, that girl reeks of sex.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Hey, Harry Potter,

take you and your girlfriends out of here.

What are you looking at, Ellen DeGeneres?

I will crush you.

That's right. I'm not afraid to hit a lady.

(MY PREROGATIVE PLAYING)

(SINGING)

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me

Why don't they just let me live?

I don't need permission

-Do we really have time for...

-Hey, hey.

You have to stop doing that to him.

-Doing what?

-Twat blocking.

I'm not twat... Doing that.

Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!

Come on, girls,

let's help me get some fellas up in here.

-Ian.

-Oh, no. Please.

Get up there. Come on.

SANDY:
Come on!

KAT:
In the back! In the back!

Yeah!

Come on, two more, two more!

Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Dude, turn around.

(KAT WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Look at this fine crop

of handsome fellas I got here.

But before we get down to business,

there's a young woman here

who would like to share her story

with these young men.

-Kristy, you ready, baby?

-Okay.

So, last year I was at a dance

with my boyfriend.

He wanted to go to his car.

So I did.

So we were both naked in the back seat

and we started having oral...

(INAUDIBLE)

MAN IMITATING SOUL SINGER: Yeah!

Daddy likes that!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Is this tragic story turning you on?

(LAUGHING)

This courageous young lady pours

her heart out and this is getting you hot?

It's time for you to pledge. Right now!

Boy, you need this more than anybody.

Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.

I can't believe you took

a f***ing abstinence pledge with a hard-on.

It's classic.

Look, I didn't even know what she was

talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?

-Ian! Hey!

-It gets better.

I am so proud of you!

Get away from me.

Is that what you do?

You go out and you lure little dorks like me

into your little no-having-sex club?

Ian, it's not like that at all.

Just go away. Now.

-I would've eaten your a**hole, you know.

-Really?

-Oh, man.

-Wow.

You can keep your stupid

flipping lollipop, anyway!

-You are dead, psycho-virgin!

-No, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, are you sure you want to get

dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?

Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.

-Thank you.

-Welcome.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Fine, okay, you were right.

My feet are killing me,

and I never should've tossed my shoes.

No, come on.

I love that your shoes are in that tree.

I do. That's premium Felicia.

DOCTOR:
Felicia Alpine.

Oh.

-So what'd you do to her?

-Hmm?

Smack her around a little bit?

She gets out of line, you pop her one?

-No. No, sir, I...

-I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.

We have fun.

-He didn't, though, did he?

-Hmm? Mmm-mmm.

Blink twice if you feel you're in danger.

Be back in a couple minutes.

I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.

Mmm-hmm.

Hands to yourself, O.J.

Ian, you know the other night

at Lance's party?

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