Sex Drive Page #8

-Was I there?

-No, come on.

Here.

I mean, you know the only reason is

because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Totally, I mean friendship is awesome.

Good call.

I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.

-You won't.

-What are you thinking about?

-What are you thinking about?

-I asked you first.

You got a little loogie.

(GRUNTING)

I'm gonna go see if Lance...

Mmm-hmm.

Go. Go.

Um, I'll take these as well.

They're not for me. They're not.

-Heads up.

-What's with you?

I'm thinking maybe we head back home.

What? Why?

Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,

-and we kind of had a moment.

-Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?

-Yeah.

-You're a moron.

F*** you. We've talked about this.

Look, we're almost there,

and I'm not letting her do this.

We're going to Knoxville,

and you're getting your nut.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

No, I'm gonna text Tasty,

and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.

-Ian, get in this car.

-I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Sh*t, where's my phone?

Hey, you got a new smile.

You have my phone. I didn't know...

This is for you.

Mmm! A message came in.

Your grandma says she's really excited

to see you.

And something about her hot,

shaved p*ssy.

Must be the cancer talking.

(LANCE LAUGHS)

All right. Good deal.

We're going to Knoxville.

(GIVE UP? PLAYING)

(SINGING)

All I've got is frustration, frustration

I hate this vacation

So, give up, give up

Give up, give up

I've got to get away from here

It's killing me just thinking 'bout

Frustration, frustration

I hate this vacation...

Ian, you're going the wrong way.

-We're going home.

-What?

Please, do not turn around

because of me. Okay.

-Yeah, no sh*t.

-I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.

This is going to be hilarious.

A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.

Look, I said we're going home.

I don't want to talk about it.

I knew you'd find some way

to f*** this up for him.

(LlSPING) Me? You two are f***ing scheming

behind my back.

-No, we're not.

-Okay. You stole Rex's car.

You drove halfway across the country.

This must be what you want to do.

So do it, chicken sh*t!

-(LISPING) F***ing A, chicken sh*t.

-Fine! You know what?

I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a b*tch,

and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.

I'll be that guy.

Is that what you want?

-Be that guy! That guy rules.

-FELICIA:
Sounds awesome.

-That would make me so happy.

-All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.

LANCE:
Watch out, Ian! F***!

FELICIA:
Watch it, Ian!

Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

-IAN:
You like that?

-Did your f***ing balls just drop?

Holy sh*t, Ian.

-Oh, man, it's this douche again.

-You want it? You got it.

-Hold on to your pantyhose.

-Okay, we gotta work on your banter,

but otherwise, this is awesome.

(DANGER ZONE PLAYING)

-You're losing him.

-No, I got him. I got him.

-Jesus, Ian! Not so close.

-God damn it!

No way, man! You're dead.

Sorry. He's all right.

LANCE:
This guy's f***ing dangerous!

Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.

Right up our ass. He's in our ass.

-LANCE:
He's tagging out.

-Ladies!

Ian, look out!

(THUDDING)

Oh! Oh!

God damn it.

What were you doing, man? Sh*t.

Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault.

He jumped right in front of you.

Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.

Now, come on, man,

this possum's not gonna f*** you.

We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.

He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna

leave him here by himself. Okay?

Okay. You're right.

We gotta help him.

We gotta call a vet or something.

Ian, look at him.

There's not a lot that we can do.

You may want to cover your eyes,

sweetheart, there could be some splatter.

-What the f*** are you doing?

-I'm gonna take him out of his misery.

They don't make little wheelchairs for him.

He's done, man.

IAN:
F*** you, Lance.

God, you don't even give a sh*t about him.

I'll do it.

I'm sorry.

(GRUNTS)

LANCE:
All possums go to heaven.

Uh... Ian. t... I think it's still...

Sh*t.

Oh, no.

Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...

Oh, God! Jesus f***ing... God damn it!

I'm trying to do the right thing here.

-He's really hanging in there.

-God! F***!

You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby

has got to be about a year old now.

I can't believe she had a f***ing baby.

(SIREN WAILING)

(GROANS)

How was I supposed to know

it was an endangered possum?

You know, the vet said there's actually

a good chance he might pull through.

You better hope so, mister. Get in.

Lock up cell B.

We are in jail.

Okay, listen, you have got to be cool,

'cause if they see you shitting yourself

they're gonna f*** with us.

Hey! Hey, ladies.

Hey, how about you sit the f*** back down

before me and you have a problem?

How about you just chill out, man?

Be cool.

-All right. We good?

-Yeah, we're good.

-Excuse me.

-Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...

You should've seen the look in his eyes.

His heart was breaking

for this poor little thing.

Sh*t, that boy Ian don't seem

like he got no balls at all.

Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some

over a suffering critter?

I think that's real sweet.

Well, I say this Lance,

he sounds like a real hunk of man.

The only way you can keep his kind around

is to get his babies up in you pronto.

But he got no respect for b*tches.

Shathayd's right. No respect for b*tches.

None whatsoever.

You love Ian, don't you, baby?

Well, it's just we've been best friends

since we were really little,

and I don't know, he's the only person

I can really talk to, you know?

You give your heart to that boy,

and you can toss that "friendship" right out

the motherfucking window.

When I was a girl, my best friend was

a fella named Creighton McDaniel.

We used to stay up all night just talking

and laughing and carrying on.

Then one day I got it into my head

that we ought to be more than friends.

So I tell him I love him.

What happened?

We dated for a few weeks.

(FARTING)

Then he met a gal over in Wofford.

We still talk from time to time.

But it was never the same between us.

(FARTING)

Baby. Come here.

Come on, now. Come on, now.

You know you need a hug.

Come on, honey.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

Cuddle up.

(URINATING)

LANCE:
Dude.

-What?

-Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.

Yeah, I am.

-And that guy's looking right at your dick.

-Atta-boy.

(FLUSHING)

-Look at you. You're a new man.

-No, I'm not.

Dude. You stole a car, ran over a hillbilly,

you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.

See Duane, he was there.

And I mean, you really beat

an endangered species to death today.

That's got to count for something.

And now you're in here in jail pissing

like a big dog in front of all the perverts.

I mean, there's only one thing left.

Yeah, well, that's out.

I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.

Dude, when we get out of here,

just tell her you got pinched.

She'll think that's bad-ass,

because it totally is.

Lafferty, Nesbitt,

your bail has been posted.

Really?

-Time to go.

-Sh*t!

-What?

-Rex.

Oh.

All right, this is it for us, Duane,

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