Sex Drive Page #9

but, you know, back to what we were

talking about earlier,

I don't give a sh*t what Denise says,

I think there's still room for somebody

to write the great American novel.

So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy.

Hey.

Mary!

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Wait. Wait. How did you find me?

Well, I called your cell phone,

and then someone answered here.

-That's awesome. Okay.

-Are you okay? Why are you in jail?

I mean, there's a number of charges,

but the most prominent ones

were animal cruelty

and the assaulting the officer.

But it's not nearly as bad

as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.

-Okay.

-Okay. Wait right here. Okay.

-Teddy.

-Lance, my man.

-You guys got my stuff?

-It's gonna be a few minutes.

All right.

-Your daughter still selling those cookies?

-Yes.

You find me that wallet, I'll buy one.

-That'd be nice of you.

-How is she now?

I'm just f***ing with you.

I don't need one more charge brought.

(FLYING HIGH PLAYING)

(SINGING) You can't know, oh, no

You can't know

How much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you

And you are looking at me

And we both know what we want

So close to giving in

Ian, don't do this. No,

don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.

So what if you're a virgin?

God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...

No, Felicia, it's not about the sex.

It's not. I'm weird.

I'm the only virgin I know.

I need to get this done

so everyone can just stop

freaking out about it.

Look, I know you don't approve,

but I'm sorry, I just...

I'm not going home a virgin.

Then, sport, f*** me.

What?

Sport, f*** me and not some stranger.

We're friends so you know

you're not gonna get some, like,

crabs or genital warts

or some pussing thing that's coming...

Wow, Leesh. That's hot!

You know what?

I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever

than lose it on pity-sex.

-I'm not talking about pity-sex.

-Then what are you talking about?

I don't know. Sex.

It doesn't have to mean anything.

It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.

Ah!

Leesh, you know what?

F*** the friendship!

I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to

about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...

I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up

in the middle of the night,

and you're gonna cry to because

Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.

And maybe I'm just being selfish here,

but it is not enough.

Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door,

and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex

with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully

female person that I met on the Internet.

Unless you've got something better

to say to me.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

That's what I thought.

Cyclops.

-How'd you find me?

-You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?

(SIREN WAILING)

(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING)

Come here.

(SINGING) Burn that mother down, y'all

Burn, baby, burn

Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn

Burn that mother down

Come on, Rex, wait. The girl...

The one I told you about from the Internet.

She's right across the street, Rex.

She wants to do it with me and everything.

Like I give a sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

Get your sh*t, queer-bait!

We're going home.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Now!

It probably wouldn't have changed

all these feelings

that I've been having lately anyway.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,

curiosity about men.

Oh, sh*t, Ian!

I think you might be right.

I think I might be getting gay.

God damn it. F***!

But I just haven't had

any luck with girls, Rex.

No way! No way my little brother's

taking it in the chili ring.

All right, you take the car,

and you go bang the female woman

like the good Lord intended.

You've got one hour!

-Ian.

-Yeah?

Fill up the tank, would you, buddy?

-Tank is at a little low. Yeah, thanks.

-Right.

Hey, man. You looking for somebody?

Ms. Tasty.

MS. TASTY:
Ian?

Oh, my gosh! Hey.

I was sure you were standing me up.

-But here you are. Look at you.

-See you.

You look a little different

than your picture.

Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight

'cause I had the runs... The flu.

Well, you're mighty cute,

and your car is really pretty.

Why don't you take me for a ride?

So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?

-How about I tell you after?

-Yeah, sure.

Works for me.

(ATLANTIS PLAYING)

(SINGING)...below the ocean

Where I wanna be

She may be

Way down below the ocean...

-No, Mary, wait.

-What?

-What's wrong?

-Nothing. I mean...

Nothing, I just... I really like you,

and I don't want to ruin this. You know?

But, hey, maybe you could come

to Chicago and we could hang out

-and take it a little...

-No.

Lance, it doesn't work like that.

And, I mean, if I don't go back,

I'm gonna be shunned.

I could never see my family again.

-This Amish thing is a real motherf***er.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

-Ian.

-Yeah.

I think we should take our clothes off.

Wow. Really? Right here?

Mmm-hmm.

No one's around for miles. Come on.

Okay.

-What do you think?

-Thank you.

That is one of the better sets

that I've seen today.

I appreciate your honesty.

They're nice.

Really?

You're fit.

-You're so sweet.

-Yeah.

I think we should

take your clothes off now.

Yeah, maybe we should.

-I don't play football!

-Okay.

I... I really don't.

I mean, I don't really even watch football.

I mean, I got all that stuff

from Friday Night Lights,

which is a show. It's also a movie

starring Billy Bob Thornton.

-I don't know if you saw it, but...

-Ian.

What? You think everything in my profile's

the God's honest truth? No.

Now, come on, take your clothes off.

Look, there's this girl...

Ian, this can be our little secret.

No one has to know.

Now come here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

I can't do this with you.

I'm kissing you,

and I'm thinking about somebody else.

No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say.

I mean, she's not even...

(SNIFFLING)

Oh, no, no, no.

Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.

It's not a reflection of...

You're so pretty, like...

You're laughing.

Just take your f***ing clothes off, a**hole!

Look, I'm sorry, okay.

I don't mean to lead you on here,

and I'll give you a ride home,

but I don't think that... What the f***?

What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?

What're you, a Gap model?

-Do you have any jacks?

-Yup.

-I win.

-Again.

Yup.

-All right, just take your shirt off.

-Okay, good.

You were right, Ian. '69 Judge.

You were worth the wait.

-Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car!

-And good luck with the lady friend.

Fuckface!

(MS. TASTY WHOOPING)

Felicia. Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t.

Oh, Bobby,

you were so awesome back there.

-Love you so much.

-Cool.

Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you

always have to flash them the twins?

You know, I mean, I do got a gun.

-Oh, baby, you know they're only for you.

-Okay, cool.

Now, listen. I got another car coming

any minute now, okay?

-Got it.

-So take me back to the Big Boy

-and get this goat over to Luis.

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