Sex Drive Page #10

-Right.

And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!

-I f***ing told you.

-I know where it is.

(CLANKING)

And if you do good,

momma's gonna take real good care of you.

Really?

You mean the thing I like well?

(CHUCKLING DEVIOUSLY)

Yeah, just want to make sure we're talking

about the same thing here.

The pepper grinder.

Pepper grinder!

Pepper grinder! Yeah.

Hi.

-Hey, boys. You finally made it.

-What's up, Ms. Tasty?

What's up? What's up?

-Damn, you're hot as f***.

-Yeah.

-We brought beers and rubbers.

-And some lotion for your tits.

-It's not a marathon.

-It's a sprint.

-Bang. Yeah.

-In chicks.

You Felicia?

I'm Bobby Jo.

Hi.

(PHONE RINGING)

(LANCE AND MARY MOANING)

I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick.

I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Oh, yeah! More of that.

So, wait, you do want to party?

With us?

Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.

F***! I can't f***ing believe this.

Get your ass out of the car, motherf***er!

-Who the f*** are you?

-Holy f***ing f***-balls!

Okay, my bad.

Now, I thought you were someone else,

all right?

You done fouled up my ride,

so I'm gonna have to take yours.

F*** that sh*t.

(GUN COCKING)

Here you go. Pulls to the left.

What the f***, dumb-ass?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f***! Oh, f***! Oh, sh*t!

Hey, highlights, back it up.

Bite my dick, a**hole!

Ow! What the f*** you do that for?

-Lance? What the f*** is going on?

-That's the son of a b*tch I was looking for!

Hey, guy. How'd you...

-Found your computer maps, douche-bag!

-Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Boat show,

you and your boyfriend bring it in here.

I don't need no trouble right now.

Let's go. Bring it in.

-Bobby Jo, who the f*** is that?

-BOBBY JO:
Who?

-That!

-That's Felicia.

She was hiding in the back seat,

no biggie.

F***! She heard everything then.

-Hello!

-Damn, you're right.

(GROANING)

Come on, darling.

-Shut up!

-Now, take it easy on the hair.

-Get down!

-Hey, hey, come on.

-All right, all right.

-IAN:
Take your hands off her!

(IAN EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

ANDY:
Stop shooting our car.

RANDY:
Inconsiderate.

IAN:
Please! No!

-All right. Get back, man.

-Ian?

Everybody just be cool.

-Felicia, you okay?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Ian, give me the goddamn gun

before you shoot your dick off.

-Rex, I got this.

-Ian!

God damn it, Rex, I got this!

Do not f*** with me! Not now!

Ease it back, man.

That donut ain't f***ing around.

Hands where I can see them.

-Ian, dude, you're working the mouth.

-I don't give a sh*t!

Okay. All right, sorry.

You're doing so good. Proud of you.

I mean that. I don't say it enough.

-Tasty and you...

-Bobby Jo.

Ian... Over there. Slowly.

All right, you, corn-fed, you can

punch my friend Lance, but just once.

-Dude! What the f***?

-You nailed his girlfriend.

-Not exactly. I mean, it was...

-And he came all this way.

All right. All right, fair enough.

Just not in the nuts.

(LANCE GRUNTS)

-Oh, sh*t!

-Okay. Okay, all right.

What a punch.

I think my kids are gonna be retarded.

You got a f***ing cannon for an arm, dude.

-Yeah, you got a little...

-Thanks. My ears are ringing.

IAN:
Stop it! I'm warning you!

Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.

(MS. TASTY EXCLAIMS)

BOBBY JO:
Whoa!

-Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude.

-I'll shoot you in the leg.

Suck his cock, Ian.

-You serious?

-Do I look serious?

I don't think you got the plums, boy.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

God!

(GROANING)

Oh, f***.

Okay. Okay.

Anybody can shoot someone

in the leg, dude.

-Give me the gun!

-Jesus, man, what do I got to do?

Don't move, a**hole,

or you're a f***ing stain.

Okay.

Holy sh*t, Ian. Right on!

Where do you think you're going, c*nt?

Cat fight!

(BOTH SQUEALING)

(CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING)

(SINGING)

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

FELICIA:
Damn you, whore!

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

F*** you!

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

Drop the weapon, donut man!

Okay, put your hands on your head!

-Both hands, a**hole!

-IAN:
I can't move the other arm.

-Who said that? Who said that?

-I can't move the other arm.

(TASER ZAPPING)

Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.

(SCREAMING)

The big Mexican won't go down!

Take the shot!

-Holy sh*t.

-Jesus!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?

He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.

Right there.

The blond, in a belt for a skirt.

FEMALE OFFICER:
Anything else?

FELICIA:
Oh, yeah,

apparently there's a guy named Luis,

and he has a chop shop

at 5th and Crescent!

-Thanks.

-We were just banging that chick in our car.

-Yeah, you mentioned that.

-Yeah, super hard.

The boy did have some plums.

He had some plums.

Hey, this is Rick.

He's played arena football.

-Hi. I'm Mary.

-Hi. Nice to meet you.

That's a weird little dude you got there.

LANCE:
Are you guys hungry?

Is this place open 24 hours?

Thank you for coming for me.

What were you doing in the back seat?

Nothing. I was...

-You were stalking me.

-No, I wasn't. I...

Okay. Yeah, I was stalking

you just a little.

I just... I knew you were gonna do

something you were gonna regret, and I...

Felicia. Why can't you just say it?

-Why can't you?

-Well, I asked you first.

Fine. I'll say it.

-You love me.

-Fine.

You love me, too, then.

(LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)

(SINGING) Life is beautiful

But it's complicated

Thank God.

We barely make it

(MOOING)

You f***ing heifer.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-You fixed it!

-Yeah.

Don't lean on it.

I guess you get to live.

-IAN:
You guys are amazing.

-Thanks.

Let's talk seriously for a second.

I figure with the parts and labor,

you know, out the door... 4,200.

Oh. Um...

-It's just a round number.

-Yeah. No, I didn't really...

I don't know what to...

(LAUGHING) I'm f***ing with

you, Ian. We're good, man.

-Wait, I mean, you're serious?

-Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.

-You sure?

-Yeah, of course.

-Thank you, man.

-It's what I live for,

fixing other people's sh*t for free.

Yeah.

-Hey.

-REX:
Straight home, p*ssy!

-Dude, we got to go.

-REX:
F***ing piece of sh*t!

You go on ahead.

I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.

Dude, what are you talking about?

I don't know, a little hard work,

fresh air, missionary position.

It's a man's life.

-Sounds pretty good, you know.

-Yeah, it sounds...

Come on, Lance. Get serious.

Come here.

I gotta tell you, I'm impressed.

I'm proud of you, you know.

You held out for a good one,

the one you wanted.

And you f***ing made it happen.

But, please, I'm begging you,

go take that girl to visit Grandma.

-All right.

-And when you do, don't...

-Lance, I got it.

-Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay. I think you might.

-See you.

-Bye.

(PORCUPINE JACKET PLAYING)

(SINGING) Well, no, no, me, I never worry

Because, me, I never try

And I never care to hold onto

what I just couldn't kiss goodbye

-Are you sure you're ready?

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