Sex Ed Page #2

# Open up your eyes #

# Before it's too late #

# Try a little harder #

# Stop wasting over yonder #

Hi. I'm here

to check out the apartment.

The apartment... you're gonna

love it. It's got everything.

So this is it.

This is your palace, baby.

This is where you're gonna

love and lose. It's all here.

All right.

Hey, motherf***er,

you gonna pay rent...

or am I gonna have

to make you homeless?

So, the walls here

are thin.

Got it.

But, you know, if you're

banging it out, don't be shy.

I don't mind

a little noise.

I'm... I'm fairly quiet

when I make love.

I'm just saying, you

know, I like the sound.

Sensuality and whatnot.

You know, life, happening.

Yeah, it can

be soothing.

And you might hear a little

bit of something from me too.

I might get a little screamy,

but it's all good.

If sh*t gets screamy,

I'm just handling my business.

Sure. Sure.

I think I'll take it.

Right on.

All right, well, come downstairs to

my bar later, meet your neighbors.

Okay, sure.

That's pretty

cool music.

Pretty cool?

Baby, it's the coolest.

I used to be in band.

Yeah, what'd you play?

The oboe. It's a woodwind.

Man, I know what a oboe

is. It's a p*ssy deflector.

It's like a p*ssy magnet,

but in reverse.

I was in jazz band, so...

You played jazz oboe?

Yeah. I had, like,

a Kenny G thing going on.

We used to do

jazzy Christmas songs.

But oboe.

Yeah, it wasn't

very cool, was it?

Oh, baby,

it really wasn't.

That's okay, doll.

What's your poison?

I'll have a whiskey.

All right.

# Come on, baby #

# Give me a chance now #

# Come on, darling #

# Give me a chance now #

# You know I'm sorry #

# I've been waiting

so long now #

# Just let me wreck the car #

# And I don't wanna #

# Come on,

daddy, daddy, daddy #

# Give me a chance ##

Hey, guys.

I'm Mr. Cole.

I am your after-school

activities coordinator.

So, what do you

wanna learn?

Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here

if you didn't wanna learn something.

This is detention.

What?

We have to be here.

We all got in trouble.

- Yes.

- Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.

Hey, you wanna hear me

freestyle rap?

- Uh...

- Yeah. He's awesome.

Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Let's hear something.

- All right, what's your name? Cole?

- Yeah.

All right. Go.

# Mr. Cole

likes it in the hole #

# Just a little brown,

wants to go downtown #

# Mm, Mr. Cole

sucking dick on the knoll #

- Hey... # P*ssy b*tch wanna

suck a dick on the knoll #

- Hey, that's enough.

- # He got one in his hole Both holes #

That's enough!

Aw, come on, Mr. Cole,

stop being such a b*tch.

If you use that kind of language in

this class, I will call your parents.

No, no, no, don't do that.

You can't.

- What's going on? Are you okay?

- I'm gonna die. I got cancer.

What?

I'm bleeding.

What do you mean? I'm

bleeding out my hoo-ha.

She's bleeding out her p*ssy.

Come... Come with me.

Come on.

I got these

in the teachers' lounge.

Here.

What do I do

with these?

That's a tampon. I

don't know what that is!

Well, see, you-you just... you

take it and you... put it in.

What? No way!

No, it's...

You just... Look. It...

It's...

Can I...

Can I call your parents?

My dad is working

right now, and...

I don't have a mom.

Uh...

Can you wait right here?

I know someone

that I can call.

Can you just wait here one

second? I'll be right back.

Oh, thank the Lord

you came.

This is my friend Ally.

She's a nurse.

She's gonna help you out.

Yeah. Come with me.

It'll all be all right.

You wanna get a drink

with JT?

There's a really cool bar underneath

my new apartment. Yeah, sounds good.

Hey. What are you still doing here?

Oh. My sister's meeting me,

but she's always late.

Oh. There she is.

That's your sister?

Hey, buddy.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, I'm Ed Cole.

I work at the school.

Pilar, Tito's sister.

Oh.

- Uh, this is my friend Ally.

- Hi.

Not my...

Not my girlfriend.

Oh. Okay.

- She's actually dating my best friend, so...

- I think she gets it, Eddie.

Right.

So...

How's it going?

Great. Good.

Yeah. Cool.

You come here often?

The school?

Yeah. Um... Yeah. I guess so.

I... I meet Tito

most days.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Um, we better get going,

right, Ed?

Yeah. We actually have plans

tonight, so we got to jet.

Yeah, we're going

to this really cool bar.

I don't know

if you wanna... chill.

Chill?

Yeah, like hang out.

Yeah, nobody says "chill. "

Tito, be nice

to your teacher.

Reggaeton ]

Let's roll.

That's our ride.

Yeah, I-I got

my ride over there.

Um, well, bye.

Yeah. Bye.

She was so scared 'cause no

one ever explained it to her.

Sex ed, man.

That's what these kids need.

Are you sure you're the best

person to be teaching sex ed?

You can teach sex ed

even if you're a virgin.

You might actually

be better at it.

- Whoa. Who said I was a virgin?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

For the record, Eddie is

definitely not a virgin.

He had, uh, crazy sex with a

Canadian girl one summer at camp.

Who is now a model

in Toronto.

Yeah.

Wow.

But maybe it is time

to get back out there.

- Dude, I liked this girl today.

- That did not go well.

- Why?

- It was really uncomfortable to watch.

Really uncomfortable.

Like watching that porno

with Screech.

What you need

is a rain dance.

I don't need a rain dance.

What's a rain dance?

he finds a girl who is less than

attractive and he has sex with her,

and then he paints

his face like an Indian...

You are in a dry spell. You

are in the Death f***ing Valley.

And once it rains, it pours.

So what you need to do...

is find a girl to end the dry

spell and get things pouring again.

No. That's

terrible advice.

Sometimes you got to get

your dick a little bit dirty.

I like having

a clean dick.

Well, unavailable men are

sometimes more attractive.

By unavailable, she means bros

who presently reek of p*ssy.

And even though you totally

lost your virginity at camp...

and everybody believes

you're not a virgin...

a rain dance

might be a good thing.

Jump-start things,

get things going again.

Yeah, but if I lower my

standards and date an ugly girl,

doesn't that kind of constrain

me to a particular ballpark?

Recall the woman to whom I

was laying pipe prior to Ally.

JT, I'm right here.

She looked like she lived

under a bridge. Yeah.

The girl I was railing

looked like a troll.

But I was getting laid.

And that, in some deep biological,

pheromonal, p*ssy-stank way,

attracted her to me.

So, why were you

attracted to me?

I don't know.

I just was.

Do you think

it was some sort...

of deep, pheromonal,

semen stink kind of way?

That's a good question.

If Ally smelled like jizz,

would you be attracted to her?

Yeah. If we were in a bar

and I had jizz on me,

would you come over

and talk to me?

- I don't think he would.

- I don't think he would either.

I... I... I really thought

you guys had something special.

And you'd get turned off

by a little white sauce.

I just want you to stop talking

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