Sex Guaranteed

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1

[country music playing]

[man] Let's go.

[woman] Oh, you're jumping?

That's a good jump.

Get the ball, sweetie.

Get it. Get the ball!

You wanna play with your brother?

Yeah, babe. See,

come play with Kevin.

Wait, uh, don't you

hit your brother.

Come on, Kev.

[hammering]

[saw whirring]

[Kevin] Picture this.

A warehouse, about 20000 square

feet. Windows along the side.

Looks like an ordinary warehouse.

Until you get closer.

And all you see are heads.

Heads?

What kinda heads you talking about?

Heads. Happy heads. Smiling heads.

Heads drifting in and out of the windows.

- [Gary] A projection of heads?

- [Cesar] Like a jumbo tron?

[Kevin] No, real heads.

Heads defying gravity.

There are heads everywhere.

Everyone's having fun.

Good genuine fun.

Trampoline world.

The first of its kind in

the state of Louisiana.

[Steve] Hey, Kev. You feel

like working today, huh?

See, you take the hammer

and you take the nail,

you just swing the hammer.

And then when all the

nails are in, we get paid.

And then we get to go home.

Kev, I want to ask you a question.

You think grown ass adults

from Louisiana are gonna come

to a building full of

trampolines and jump around?

Well, gymnastics and trampoline are amongst

the fastest growing sports in America.

Well, so is obesity.

No offense, brother,

but... you need to get laid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He still hasn't

done any f***ing since the incident?

No.

[dull thud]

[Kevin groans in pain]

Why did you have to go

bring up the incident?

I didn't bring up the incident.

All right, that's f***ing...

Let's get off my goddamn roof.

[Gary] We just got here.

[man] Where do you wanna go eat?

[Gary] I think I'm gonna go to a titty bar.

Are you gonna work at all today, Kev?

Just give me a minute.

You know, you gotta

forget about Angie, man.

Maybe the boys are right. Maybe

you gotta get back out there.

And get laid.

Why don't you f*** a nurse?

I know this nurse, she works at Tulane.

- Give her a call.

- No, I don't want to f*** the nurse.

Nurses like to f***.

I'm not interested. Can we

talk about something else?

Listen, it's time for you

to get back in the game.

I am in the game.

I'm just not having sex.

[guitar music playing]

I'm having sex, guaranteed

My pedestal I

just won't need

[foreman] You're really starting

to f***ing worry me, pal.

[chuckling] There's no

curse. You're not cursed.

Yo, Kevin, got like a medusa dick.

You can't look directly into the

eye or it'll turn you into stone.

[men chuckle]

[man] You can't let one girl ruin

your whole goddamn life, Kevin.

[Kevin] Oh, sh*t.

F***, f***, f***.

F***. God. God, you're

so f***ing stupid, Kevin.

That apron suits you. You should keep it.

Oh. And please, take whatever you

like from the Le Creuset stuff.

In fact...

[Kevin] Stupid Kevin.

You're doing okay there, Senor?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I'm good.

They don't mind if we take the sodas?

- No, it's cool.

- Oh, that's nice.

Thanks.

No problem.

Guys giving you a hard time up there?

Who? Oh!

No.

What do you think her name is?

I was gonna go with Muriel or... or Sasha

You think Sasha's married?

Uh... yeah.

[stammers] Maybe, yeah. I don't know.

One thing I can tell you about catering...

some of these girls

really know how to party.

Whoa!

You just got a smile.

What?

- No. I don't think so.

- You did.

- I saw her, man.

- No.

Mmm.

Juicy.

So, is this guy an a**hole?

What guy?

Uh, the guy, whose house this is.

What makes you say that?

Well, he's got a chair

in the shape of a hand.

You don't like the chair.

The only one who has enough

money to buy joke furniture is...

probably an a**hole.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry. No, you...

you have a really great house.

What's your name?

- Kevin.

- What do you say, Kev?

Call me Hank.

You should come to my party tonight.

There's gonna be a lot of women here

and... a lot of these ladies are...

they'd be high on narcotics.

Oh. No, I'm good.

Are you? Are you good?

You're okay.

- [mutters] Sh*t.

- Hey!

Party starts at eight. Hope to see you.

Oh, and... if you want

the hand chair, it's yours.

[dance music playing]

Oh, I don't know...

- I mean, I feel sad for him.

- What does he do?

- Huh?

- What is he doing up there?

He's a roofer. He's roofing

up on the house, you know?

And he wasn't, he was a nice guy.

I mean, I didn't get to talk to him, but...

He shouldn't be giving people roofies, man.

[Steve] Show me that cork trick again.

[Gary] He showed you like 30 times.

[Kevin] It takes brains, bro.

Whatever. At least I don't

think my f***ing dick is cursed.

What did I say? I don't

wanna talk about it.

Why? Just tell us, come on.

He sounds like an idiot

when he talks about it.

No, because every time I even think

about sex, something bad happens.

And you bring up Angie today,

and I nearly take off my thumb

with a f***ing claw hammer.

- Let me see, let me see that.

- My dick is cursed, end of story.

Listen, you had a string

of bad luck, right?

Your dick's not f***ing cursed, okay?

I don't know. Maybe if I

just stopped f***ing around...

you know, make me...

maybe she'll take me back.

What?

Okay. Let's just get back to

the curse of the wretched dick.

So, you think it's possessed,

or is it surrounded by,

like, paranormal activity?

[everyone laughs]

[Hank] Such a good looking kid.

He swears off sex.

Man, that's a crime against nature.

Are you still talking

about the f***ing roofer?

Hey, he just seems so sad, you know?

You know what a f***ing coke loop is, man?

You're like a hamster in a wormhole.

I can't, I just, I can't

hear it anymore, Hank.

[Carl chuckles] I'm

going insane. [sniffles]

[sharp slap] [Carl groans]

I've just had a revelation of magnitude.

Oh, Carl, this is big. Can you see how big?

It's pretty f***ing big.

I'm gonna get this kid laid.

This is... This is fate!

I have to get this kid laid.

[exclaiming excitedly]

You're damn straight, you do.

I can see it so clearly.

[gasps] You're gonna f***ing go down

as one of the greats. I'm telling you.

Okay. Has anyone seen my phone?

[Carl] F***, are you kidding me?

- If you told everyone to leave their phone here...

- [shouts] Where's my phone?

[Hank] Oh, I gotta find him!

[Carl chuckles] You're kidding, right?

It's too much responsibility. I

can't deal with that. [sniffles]

[Kevin] Steve! Steve, we're late.

[Steve] Kevin, relax! I'm coming.

Nice outfit. [chuckles]

- Haven't seen that since first light Communion.

- Better than shorts.

- Why?

- It's a business meeting.

It's Ted! He knows us.

I don't want him going around

telling Angie we're some kind of joke.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Kev!

[engine revs]

You gotta stop stressing out

about this Angie thing, you know?

I mean, it's been over a year.

It's been nine months.

Close enough.

[Kevin] Okay, so... Trampoline world.

We'll have six four-by-four

rebounders over there,

and two six-by-six on that

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