Sex Guaranteed Page #2

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base in the back there.

Kids jumping everywhere.

3D dodgeball.

Isn't all dodgeball 3D?

Um, 4D dodgeball.

Do people really wanna go trampolining?

Ah, trampolining is one of the

fastest growing sports in America.

Funny, I guess I missed the

Trampoline Superbowl last year.

Sorry, that's in poor taste.

Look, boys, I loved your daddy, all right?

But he really never was

very good at math either.

Look, what I'm trying to say

is y'all's numbers don't add up.

You see, what happens to Trampoline world

if you don't make your nut

for the first two months, hmm?

You shut her down?

- Well, no, we just...

- No? So...

how do you make payroll?

How about you just come in for ten?

Ten thousand?

I could do that.

What happens to my ten if you

don't sell the other shares?

Got anything, Steve?

No. I lose it.

Just what I thought.

I just don't get it.

Sorry, I'm out.

- Why didn't you jump in?

- Honestly...

I don't get the plan myself.

[Steve] You should go on

a vacation or something.

Costa Rica, Palm Beach would be nice.

I mean, maybe right now is not the

right time for Trampoline world.

I mean, it might be the right

idea, just not the right time.

Well, it has to be.

Huh?

I already put down the deposit.

A deposit? With what?

To knock down the house.

Kevin, you gotta be f***ing kidding me.

Did you even read this thing?

It's a lien.

It's a f***ing six month term.

- Dude, you'll lose your f***ing home.

- Not...

if Trampoline world succeeds.

Trampolines. Are you kidding me?

[Gary] Seriously though,

the female fruit bat,

she licks the male's cock

while they're having sex.

How is that even possible?

She bends. The female

fruit bat is very bendy.

Well, but, isn't the tip

already up inside her?

She doesn't lick the head, jackass.

She licks the shaft, makes him f*** longer.

Well, wouldn't that make it shorter?

Apparently not for a fruit bat.

- Hello?

- Hey, it's me. It's Hank.

- Oh. Hey, Hank.

- You missed my party, man.

Yeah, uh, sorry about

that. Something uh, came up.

I wanna do something [muffled]

- I can't understand.

- I'm talking sex guaranteed, man.

- What's "text guaranteed?"

- Not text, sex.

Oh, sex.

I'm here with this amazing

creature. She's called Zade.

She's amazing.

Now, Zade... wants to have sex with you.

What, is she desperate?

No, she's not desperate,

okay? This is her job.

Oh, no, I'm not having

sex with a hooker.

She's not a prostitute, okay?

[chuckles] She's... She's like a...

an expert. Um...

Let's say... a sexpert.

[Carl blubbers]

[Hank] She's just got a lot of

sex-pertise, you know what I mean?

Oh, uh, that's nice of you, man.

But, that's not really my thing.

Oh, come on, man. Relax!

This is real intimacy.

And frankly, it sounds like you need it.

Uh, I don't understand what you mean.

Think of her like a chef. Like, you know,

a chef, that comes to somebody's house,

cooks up a meal, but just for you.

And this chef makes a

thousand dollars an hour.

- A thousand dollars?

- Just... listen to me.

This is fate calling, Kevin.

Drop the hammer, get off the roof,

and get your f***ing ass to my party.

[click] [phone line beeps]

Yo, Kev, what the hell

is "sex guaranteed," man?

That guy Hank just called me and invited

me over to have sex with a hooker.

- Can you believe that?

- A prostitute?

He's out of his mind. I'm

not having sex with a hooker.

Hookers don't count.

- Everyone counts.

- Not hookers.

It's not the same another

girl. They're a subset.

So, what was the thousand dollars about?

I guess that's how much she costs.

[Gary] A day?

I think an hour.

Oh, you gotta do it.

That'd be like f***ing a professor of sex.

She's gonna know more sh*t than

you've ever even thought of.

It's gonna be like, like

caving with like a miner.

Nah, nah, he's right. This

could be good for you, Kevin.

Just confront your fears.

This could break the curse.

Well, I'm not doing it. It's

just stupid, I'm going...

Oh, you're doing it.

Man, and, dude might throw you some cash

for you know, your

bouncing heads and what not.

Yeah, I mean I guess I could stop by, and

then I wouldn't have to have the sex, right?

I didn't say that sh*t.

"I guess" No, no, no.

Do the f***ing math, Kev.

It's a rich guy getting [shouts]

f***ed up in a goddamn mansion.

This is your investor.

Come on, we're going right now.

I wanna go to the party.

- That's a weird motherf***er.

- That is f***ed up.

Did we just not get invited to the party?

- I guess not.

- That's some bullshit.

[dance music playing]

These are the rules of Egg fight.

Open hand strikes only.

There will be no fists allowed.

Should the egg crack on your mouth,

spit it out, stupid!

Because you are the vanquished man.

[people cheering]

All right. Commence!

[people laughing] [man groans]

You have offended me.

[Kevin] I think I'm gonna start with the

fastest growing stuff first and then move

into our big vision for the place.

Maybe you wanna play along a little bit

before, you know, you start asking for money.

Look, if I grab the whole

investment block here today,

I mean, I can take Angie to the

place, I could show her the lease...

Forget about Angie. This is about money.

If this guy wants to get you

laid, then let him get you laid.

You gotta do whatever this guy wants,

so that he will give you the money.

It's a logical investment.

I know it is.

Just go in there and have sex.

I'm not having sex, Steve.

Go on, get the f*** out of here.

Be a man.

[man] Give me a min.

Hi. Um...

I was invited by the owner of the house.

[water trickling]

Ah, Jesus. Sorry. Um...

I'm taking a sh*t, bro.

Oh, um, sorry.

[people cheering]

[cheering continues]

[party music gets louder]

[woman] Go, go, go, go. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]

That's how you do it! That's how you do it!

Get it!

You looking at me crazy?

I'll f*** you up, mister.

What do you say, Kevin? You made it, buddy.

I thought you might not show. Drink?

Yeah, sure.

- Take a seat.

- [Zade] This is the guy?

Kevin, I'd like to introduce you to Zade.

Zade, this is Kevin.

Hi. I'm Zade.

- So, how's life, Kevin?

- Life's good.

[whirring]

There you go, Kev.

Try that.

You know that business

I was telling you about,

yeah, it's... trampolining.

[Carl] Mmm. Jumping.

You got a business model for

that? How do you monetize that?

Yeah. Um, trampolining is one of the

fastest growing sports in America.

They have them in schools

now. It's huge in Asia.

And how high do people get?

Well, three footers average, but

professionals get a bit higher.

- They got all kinds of stuff.

- Like what?

Well, there's Sky Slam basketball.

Foam pits, synchronized trampolining.

- There's synchronized trampolining.

- [Hank] That's crazy.

Yeah, you just get two

trampolines side by side,

with some athletes on

one and the other and...

That's what you got there on the

metal section at the Olympics.

Yeah, now we're in the rhythm, see?

[Carl hums]

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