Sex Guaranteed Page #3

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- This is... this is great.

- [Carl chuckles]

[Carl] It feels pretty good.

- [Hank] Yes!

- With weekend traffic,

we expect 500, and with

an entry fee of $12.20,

it's gonna be a real earner.

How many of these trampolines

have you got over at your place?

And how many people can actually

synchronize at any one time?

Oh, we're thinking of starting

with, you know, 30... 30 trampolines.

[Hank] Ooh. Huh.

I could actually take

you guys there right now.

- Wait, wait, wait. No, let's do...

- What?

Let's do... on the count of three

and then we'll do like, a starjump.

- Okay.

- Okay. [chuckles]

[both counting] One, two, three.

[shouting] [groaning]

- Yeah.

- [Hank] Sorry.

Let me tell you something,

that is a terrible investment.

Kids... they're unreliable, fickle.

- Think about the liability. What would happen to you?

- Carl, please. Come on, man.

He's speaking about his dream, his passion.

His passion.

Right!

I want you to two to get to know each

other, have a little alone time, okay?

Citizens, everybody! We're

all moving to the tennis court

- right now.

- [Carl] Tennis!

- Whoa, we'll come with you.

- [Hank] No, no, no, no.

Zade here, she's going to

make everything all right.

Yeah, but...

I want this to happen.

Yeah.

[Mumbles] Wait a minute,

how come she can't come with?

Carl! Tennis court, man, come on!

[Kevin] Okay. Um...

- [Zade] Hi again.

- Hi.

You guys head to the game room,

grab the rackets, I'll

meet you on the court.

[Carl] We got it. Hey, where are you going?

Putting on my whites.

Do you wanna watch me touch myself?

I'd f***ing love to cum.

I get really wet really quick.

Um, that is cool.

- [Kevin clears his throat]

- Um, what do you like?

I'll do anything.

Want me to be someone, hmm?

Who do you want me to be?

It's not that. You don't understand, okay?

None of this was your fault.

I was broken and useless

before you left me.

It's like I don't even know how...

regular people breathe anymore.

And I, I love you and I wanna, I wanna

thank you for being so patient with me

for so long.

- [Carl in a German accent] Ya!

- [lady in a German accent] Ya!

- Ya!

- Ya!

[Carl] There will be a lot of porking now.

I will be shtupping you, oh ya!

- [Carl] Ya!

- Well, I've learned now...

that I'm not good enough for you, Karen.

Never was.

[sniffles softly]

Not even good enough

for this world anymore.

But for once...

for once I'm gonna do the right thing.

[sniffles]

Au revoir, cherie.

Au revoir.

[exhales] I like that.

I like that a lot.

Feel how wet I get.

Yup. But, um...

[speaking French]

Look, you're so hot, okay?

It's not you, it's me.

What do you want?

You wanna get weird?

No, I don't wanna get weird.

I want to f*** you.

- Okay.

- I'm getting paid to f*** you.

If I don't f*** you, I look bad,

and this is a new gig for me,

so how about you just let me f*** you

and we both go about our business.

Look, obviously, I want

to, okay? You're beautiful.

But, I'm on a hiatus right now.

There's this other girl, okay?

Well, it's her hiatus, really.

But I just... I'm not

having sex right now, okay?

I'm, I'm happy to lie for you.

- I'm a good salesman.

- Oh, f*** you.

He won't f*** me, sorry Hank.

I will f*** her.

[Kevin] I actually don't.

It'll make you feel better, Kevin, please.

I'm not gonna beg him. We were having

fun before this asswipe showed up.

I'm sorry, I'll go.

You're not going! How's about that?

Kevin here wants to win his lady back

and thinks that celibacy is the way to go.

Not always the way, you know?

Absolutely not! If you

really want her back,

the first thing you should do is f*** me.

She makes a compelling argument, Kev.

Why don't we just go somewhere

quiet so we can at least talk?

[snoring]

Look, if I told you the reason I

don't wanna do it, you'd understand.

No one's judging here. It's a house rule.

This is a no-judgment zone, okay?

It's personal. It's...

I've got this problem...

with my dick.

- Is it a wart?

- No, it's not that kinda thing. It's...

It's like my dick is cursed.

What?

There's no such thing as a cursed dick.

Really? 'Cause I've f***ed things up

in my life and all because of my dick.

And I've decided to just kinda

leave it alone for a while.

You're leaving your dick alone?

Yes. Look, I get it, all

right? I'm a freak, but...

Don't call yourself a freak.

You can share anything with us.

[sighs]

The first time I jerked off, right?

I'm in bed sick, home from school, and...

I'm watching TV and the shuttle

Columbia breaks apart on re-entry.

You think you made the

space shuttle explode.

Indirectly.

Kevin, that was an accident.

You can't take that personally.

First girl I had sex with almost died.

- [Zade laughs]

- Zade, please.

I'm serious. We were 16. And we'd

been dating for about a month.

Well, their parents were out

of town so we had a little wine.

Well, we started making out,

and I finally get this condom on

and I'm going in and out

and we're making noises and she starts

to scream, so I think I'm doing awesome.

- [Hanks mutters affirmatively]

- But then...

she ruptured a cyst or something.

And she has to have surgery.

And for the next three

days, we're in the hospital.

She had them before she met you.

You're missing the point.

Nine months ago, I was engaged to

the most wonderful girl in the world.

We were at our joint bachelor

and bachelorette party.

[dance music playing]

[girl moaning]

Wait a minute, that's not you being cursed.

That's you getting caught

getting a blowj*b off a stripper.

Yeah, because I'm a horny a**hole

and I just should have said no.

Anyways, I tried to explain myself.

Angie, wait.

Angie, she tied my hands! Angie!

She moved out the next day.

Because of my dick, I lost the

one thing I truly cared about.

I mean, that's the saddest

story I've ever heard.

His dick isn't cursed. He just

got caught cheating. End of story.

No, no. That's way too many

things to happen to one guy.

He lost his one true love.

There's nothing worse in the whole world.

He's just a narcissist.

How am I a narcissist?

You think the world

revolves around your dick.

I don't want it to, it just does.

No. Sh*t happens. It's just life.

Didn't you hear his story?

This man is cursed.

[chuckles] This is f***ing

ridiculous. None of this is connected.

Let's just have sex.

Nothing bad is gonna happen.

Are you serious, right now?

After everything I just told you

you still wanna have sex with me?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

And we don't have to have sex,

I can just [whispers]

touch it a little bit,

Just do it, Kev. Give it a try.

[Zade] See, isn't that nice?

[footsteps approaching]

[man yelps] [door opens]

- Guys, Carl's in trouble. We need help. Come on.

- Oh, sh*t!

[Carl groaning in pain]

F***ing... [muffled]

[Carl crying]

Jesus.

It won't go down.

Yeah. Too many little blue pills, baby.

[Carl groaning] Oh, sh*t!

Oh, there's something wrong here.

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