Sex Guaranteed Page #4

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- I'm in pain!

- Carl.

Be honest with me how many did you take?

A 130 milligrams.

God, man.

You're not a rhinoceros.

Get some ice, Kevin. Now!

[Carl groans]

[Kevin] Oh my god.

Breathe, breathe.

- I got ice.

- All right.

The hell is this?

Ready?

[screaming]

- [Carl] No! No!

- [Hank] Hold on.

[Carl screaming]

- Okay. Okay.

- All right, Carl. Listen, you got this.

You can do this, I know you can, all right?

It's like an itch. You just have

to disassociate yourself from it.

F***ing itch!

Trust him, Carl.

Okay, look. I haven't had sex in nine

months, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Just listen to me, right.

What I want you to do is

imagine you're Anne Frank.

[Carl gasping]

Remember the little

Jewish girl in the attic?

She had to lie real quietly

otherwise they were gonna shoot her.

- I remember f***ing Anne Frank!

- Okay.

All right. Just close your

eyes, you're in the attic.

You can hear the sound of

the boots on the cobblestone.

Don't make a sound, okay? Don't even move.

Otherwise the Nazis are gonna get you.

I don't give a f*** about the f***ing

Nazis! My cock is going to explode.

Please take me to the hospital.

Carl, what you've got is

called Priapism. No hospitals.

I know a better place.

Zade, straight ahead.

[Zade] Whatever you say, boss.

[phone ringing]

Do you ever notice how... people are

only really real when they're sick,

- or they're dying.

- Or orgasming.

Bad things always come from sex.

Oh, shut up.

It's true. Without sex there

wouldn't be fighting, divorce, wars.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Without sex, there is

also no release, no fun.

[Carl coughs and groans]

Okay. Bad things come

from recreational sex.

What's recreational sex to you?

Careless sex. Sex that

nobody put any thought into.

Oh my God, you are a freak.

[squeaking]

- [Zade] What's in this?

- IV therapy. They had my recipe on file.

- [Zade] F*** yeah.

- I'm serious.

I'm not gonna let this

guy's life be ruined.

How are you gonna do that?

That's nice, Hank, but

there's nothing you can do.

I need to just...

make my business a success and

hope that Angie sees I've changed.

Yes. That's it. You got it!

You're gonna go to Angie's,

you're gonna tell her that your

trampoline thingy's got off the ground

- and you're a new man. You're a genius!

- Yeah, but...

- But that's not true.

- It is true.

You let me fix this,

and I'll invest in trampoline world.

What?

I'll give you the money.

You're, you're gonna give me the money?

I'll give you the startup funds, yes.

How much can it cost? 250, 300 grand?

I need 60,000 dollars.

You only need 60 grand to

start a business in America?

What a f***ing great country

this is, huh? [chuckles]

All right, I'm gonna get you the money.

We're gonna go talk to

her, tell her all about it,

we're gonna clean this whole mess up today.

We can't go see her today. I mean, I need

to make sure the business is up and running,

- and then...

- No.

No. We're doing it

today. We're doing it now.

I'm not letting your

one true love get away.

We are going to her house right now.

I'm not letting you make

the same mistakes I've made.

I'm gonna get this done if

it's the last thing I do.

Why are you being so nice to me, Hank?

Love is the most important

thing in the world, man.

It's what everything is about.

Without love, you got nothing. Zero.

I'm not letting you disappear, Kev.

Come on.

- [Zade] Really?

- Hello darling.

Can I borrow a pen, please?

This is my only pen. I

need it for my charts.

I'm good for it. I cross my heart.

Thank you.

Let's see that arm.

Uh, 60, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Let's make it 80. What's the date today?

[Kevin] The 31st.

[Hank] 31st.

- Hank?

- There we are.

Yeah.

I don't... I don't know what to say.

Just get the girl back.

Then we're all square.

I'll see you outside.

So, how did you get into this line of work?

My momma was a drug addict.

She introduced me to it.

My daddy skipped out on us when I was 12.

[giggles] I'm f***ing with you.

I like sex.

I pretty much f*** everyone

I go on a date with anyway

so I thought I might

as well get paid for it.

- Isn't it dangerous?

- No.

- What if you don't wanna do it?

- I don't do it.

- Isn't it degrading? I mean...

- Here's the deal.

Sandy's gonna stay with Carl.

I've given her combat pay.

So she's gonna get him up and moving out.

I feel fantastic.

Okay. Pop the trunk, I'm gonna change.

Thank you, Zade.

[Hank] Always gotta be prepared.

Okay. So, let's focus.

Where do we find this Angie?

Well, I can't just show up at her work.

Why not? What does she do?

Well, she's a school teacher.

Of course, she is. I love teachers.

What does she teach? Reading? Math?

P.E.

- She doesn't teach trampolining by any chance?

- No.

I mean, she does but

that's not all she does.

- I mean, she...

- I love this.

We're gonna go to the school.

She'll be getting off soon.

You're gonna tell her you're

sorry in front of the kids.

It'll be like in all those films.

Then the kids will tell her to kiss you.

It'll be great.

I don't think we should

go anywhere near her work.

Do you want the 80 grand or not?

- [sniffs]

- [Kevin] Oh, boy.

[sniffs]

Okay.

[Hank] You're gonna go in there, you're

gonna tell her you're a big success now,

and that you want her back.

And why is she gonna believe

that I'm some big success now?

Because you got my IOU.

- Yeah, written on my arm.

- [Zade] It sure is.

Okay. Then I'll take a photo.

I'll take a picture of your

arm and it'll act a legal note.

[Zade] Why don't you

just write him a check?

Yep, okay. What's your name, Kevin?

Uh, MacDonald.

M-A-C, MacDonald.

All right. We're gonna wait for you here.

This is a bad idea.

- I mean...

- First of all, it's not a bad idea.

Okay? And frankly,

personally, I'm insulted

with your negativity.

You've gotta show this woman

that you're invested in her, man.

You can't just send her a f***ing email.

You gotta do something

dramatic, that's romantic.

Yeah, but...

it's just not normal.

Well, let me tell you

something, Kevin MacDonald.

All grand passions are abnormal.

That's what makes them grand.

Go get 'em, kid.

[Kevin] Here goes nothing.

Hey, should we go with him?

[school bell rings]

[indistinct chatter over PA]

Man, I hated school.

- Me too.

- I loved it.

Best time of my life.

Being a kid.

[announcer over PA system]

Is this whole trampolining

thing a ploy to get her back?

No.

- You know she didn't leave you because of the blowj*b.

- Shh, come on.

No, but she did.

No. No one ever leaves

someone because of sex.

What are you talking about? People leave

each other all the time because of affairs.

They don't. They leave because

they don't love each other enough.

And that's why the affair happens.

Well, I love Angie. Always have.

- Not enough. You wouldn't have gotten a blowj*b if you did.

- [Hank clears his throat]

Here we go, game time.

Can I help you?

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