Sex Guaranteed Page #5

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Uh, yeah. We're here to see Angie Cooper.

And who are you?

I'm just a friend, an old friend of hers.

And who are you two?

- We're new friends.

- [chuckles]

I remember the chairs being

bigger. Does everyone say that?

Miss Cooper isn't in today,

[clears throat] she's ill.

Oh, god. What's wrong with her?

Well, I can't divulge personal information.

I'd be happy to send her a message.

Great, yeah. If you could

just tell her that Kevin...

No, no, that's fine. Uh, I'll call her.

- Mmhmm.

- Thanks.

Lame.

- Lovely school.

- Thank you.

I've got it made

I've got 'em bayin

We're gonna spread out.

She's sick, so she's vulnerable.

We need to put together a care

package that says "I love you,"

that says "I'm gonna

look after you forever."

I'll take aisles one and two, Kevin,

three and four, Zade, five and six.

How long have you known him?

Nine hours, give or take.

[Kevin] You think this is a good idea?

Wouldn't you think it was weird

if your ex showed up at your house

with a stranger and a pros...

[stammers] Another lady?

I'd probably find that weird.

But that's also why I like it.

You'd like it?

Why not? Shows imagination.

Maybe but Angie's not like you.

How is she different?

I don't know. She just doesn't

talk about sex all the time.

I get it. Holy sh*t.

You're a f***ing prude.

- I'm not a prude.

- Then why do you squirm

at any mention of anything sexual?

Prudish.

Not prudish. I am not prudish. Not at all.

Then prove it.

What are three words that

when put together get nasty?

I'm not doing this.

Puny. Blood. F***.

- Would you stop?

- Aw, you can't think of any?

- Three words.

- I'm not playing, Zade.

You are not very mad at me, are you, Kev?

- Smelly poop truck.

- That's it!

Three more, disgust me.

You know, you're really smart,

and really pretty,

you don't have to be so aggressive.

Ever raise your voice, Kevvo?

Ever get mad and just let rip?

Anal, lick, prolapse.

Baggy, vag, mouse!

[thud] Oh!

I'm really sorry, I was just making a joke.

Well, what was the joke?

Excuse me?

I didn't hear it. What was the joke?

- Knock Knock.

- Who's there?

Isabel.

Isabel who?

Isabel necessary on that bicycle?

Sh*t, I'm sorry I even asked.

[Zade] I thought that was funny.

[Kevin] We totally fell apart back there.

- [Zade] I did not!

- [Kevin] No, you did.

Like a little girl.

And that isn't technically

a word by the way.

Well, you're not technically a businessman.

- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.

Look at you, you look like

a guy who cleans a pool.

- Ew?

- She's right.

We gotta get you looking sharp.

Like Angie's idea of an entrepreneur.

Let's go shopping.

Come on.

I'm doing this for you, Kev, come on!

[Zade] Is it true what they say

about guys with medium-sized feet?

[Hank] Zade, pick out a pair if you want.

No, thanks. Not really my style.

Should I have gotten Carl a suit?

You know what, I haven't heard from Sandy.

All right, so when she opens the

door, what should I say again?

You're telling her that you've succeeded.

Okay? You're gonna show her the

check, and that you're sorry.

That's... that's too strange.

All right. Tell her that without her...

you're nothing but a shadow.

Tell her that...

your heart...

is like a mold hedgehog...

smashed up against the

blades of a lawnmower.

Zade, what do you think I should say?

Tell her you want to much her p*ssy.

- How's that fit?

- Oh...

It's a bit roomy.

Hey Zade, keep trying Sandy, will you?

Here, let me check this out.

[Zade giggles] Hank, you need a new phone.

Yeah, I'd go down half a size, Kev, I

mean, it all depends on the choice of sock.

[salesman] Yeah, I'll go down half a size.

I agree. Here.

What would you say? Seriously, Zade.

Maybe don't talk about yourself so much.

Tell her that she's your miracle,

that without her your life means nothing.

Tell her that she's more beautiful

than a full moon in Montana

or the poetry of Rumi,

or any other beautiful thing

that man or nature has yet made.

Tell her that she's a genius

of Einstein-ian proportions.

And that she's sexy,

and does sexy well.

And that you really,

really, really love her.

Wow. Say, that was

really... it was really good.

That's an handsome fit, sir.

Great, we'll take 'em.

[alarm beeping]

Let's run for it.

[salesman] Stop! Wait!

Come on, people! Come on!

We got this.

It wasn't the clerk's fault.

Those plastic tags are a nuisance.

But a straight razor gives

us a concealed weapon.

I have a collection. That's an antique.

That doesn't mean that you can carry it.

I sincerely apologize, Officers.

Look, you have to understand

where we're coming from.

You were running through a

place of business with a weapon.

It was all part of a romantic gesture.

My... my friend here lost his true love.

We're giving him a makeover.

He's gonna win her back.

Come on, guys.

I'm not against romantic gestures per se.

It's true. He's not.

Officer, it was a

misunderstanding, come on.

I'm moved by your argument.

So I'm gonna let you go with a warning.

But we're gonna keep the razor.

Thank you, Officers.

Give love, get love, sir.

Can I give you a hug?

Now that's unfortunate.

[siren blaring]

[Zade] I can't believe they

couldn't look the other way.

[Kevin] Drugs are drugs, they

couldn't have looked the other way.

[Zade] You're such a f***ing prude.

[Kevin] Where are we going?

[Zade] I need shoes.

[Zade] Hang out in the car.

[Kevin] Where are we?

[Zade] Look, wait in the

car. I'll be back in a minute.

Zade?

Is this your brothel?

No-one says brothel.

Jesus, Zade. What the hell are you doing?

[whistling]

[Kevin] You f***er.

Come on, Zade.

Jesus, they're all at it.

[whispers] What the f***!

F*** it.

[whistling]

[Kevin] Where are you, Zade?

May I help you?

No, no.

I'm here to see Zade.

- Zade?

- Yeah. Zade. Uh...

I think she works here.

Well, that's funny

'cause it's just my family as far as I know

and, well, some might call that work, I...

Sorry, um...

Must be the wrong address.

[Zade] Kev?

I told you to wait in the car.

I'll be down in a minute.

I think you should come in.

Okay. Lemon juice, sugar and water.

Tell me if it needs anything else.

And how exactly do you know Millie?

Millie?

Uh, Millicent, my daughter.

Oh. Um...

We met through a mutual friend.

- Mutual friend.

- Uh, work friend, really.

[chuckles] Kevin, are you a rider, too?

No.

Well, what is it exactly that you do?

I'm in construction.

Mmm. My daughter knows

people in construction?

Well, a mutual friend

through party and then,

and Millie was there.

Was Monique there?

No.

Monique is a friend of

Millie's. Great tits.

She used to come over and do

backstrokes in our pool every afternoon.

What a lovely way to spend an hour.

Watching her tits go up and down the pool.

Up and down, and flopping down.

I'm actually getting out

of construction. Uh...

Gonna start my own business.

I'm gonna call it "Trampoline World."

It's gonna be this amusement

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