Sex Guaranteed Page #6

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park in the warehouse district.

We're gonna have Sky Slam basketball,

uh, foam pits.

- We actually have a lot of...

- Kevin, there's nothing wrong with construction.

We should split.

If you'd like I could

send you some literature.

Trampolining is one of the

fastest growing sports in America.

It actually just got featured

in Delta's Sky magazine.

Our friend's been arrested, we should go.

- [Ted] Arrested, for what?

- Drugs.

[chuckles] Millie has

such colorful friends.

What's Monique doing these days?

Okay, let's go.

Thank you for the lemon stuff.

- [Zade] Shut up.

- [Kevin] I didn't say anything.

- You were thinking it.

- Nope.

[Zade] I'm not a liar, I just don't feel

the need to tell everyone everything.

[Kevin] Okay.

- [Zade] Don't judge me.

- [Kevin] I'm not.

[Kevin] You have a beautiful home.

It's really nice.

You really shouldn't

be doing this, you know?

I mean, any guy with half

a brain would call you back.

You could have, like a really great job.

I have a job.

Yeah, but it's... it's dirty.

It's not like you need the money.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

- What?

- You are judging me, a**hole!

The only reason you're going through

with any of this is because of that check.

Oh, and who is it that charges a thousand

dollars an hour for their company?

Parasites!

Yeah, well, at least I'm not

pretending to be something I'm not.

Pretending to be some kind of hooker

or something, it's rude to hookers.

People don't work at McDonalds

because they like it, it's a job!

- Your slumming in it is bullshit.

- F*** you.

Tourist.

I'm going to get Hank,

I'm driving him home,

and then this whole f***ing sh*t is over.

[duo singing] Nobody knows

[man 1 solo] The

trouble I've seen

- [man 2] Let's try that one more time.

- [man 1] Okay.

[man 2] No! Okay. One, two, three, four.

[duo singing] Nobody knows

The trouble I've seen

F***, we're good at this, man.

We should take this on the road.

- [man 1] You and me.

- [man 2] Enough of this sh*t.

Hey, isn't there something

we could do to expedite this?

And who might you be?

Um, I was hired by him.

Lawyer?

No. Personal adviser.

Well, you need a lawyer to be

your personal adviser in here.

Why don't you take a seat, and then

the judge will see him in an hour or so?

Keep smiling.

[man on PA] No physical

body contact beyond initial

and supporting embrace

will be tolerated,

and will result in

termination of the visit.

[man on PA continues]

You like barbecue?

Might as well talk since we're stuck here.

My name's Sonny.

I'm Zade.

Hey man, why don't you just give her

a break, okay? She's had a tough day.

Zade, why not come sit here?

I'm fine, thank you.

She's fine, thank you.

So, I got this sauce called

"Smokin but not Broken"

Hey, don't, don't do

that. Don't touch her leg.

It's not okay to touch...

people you don't know.

[man on PA] Occasional

hand-holding is acceptable.

Whoa there, brother. I didn't

even know y'all were together.

We don't have to be together

to care about each other.

I'm waiting in the car.

It's not okay to touch

people you don't know?

So what kinda stuff do you write?

Stories.

Short ones mostly.

I'm writing one now about this woman

who is having an affair with this guy,

and then she finds out that

she is only one of many.

It's called "The other 'other' woman."

I think you'd be a good writer.

- You do?

- Sure.

Why?

'Cause you take chances,

you say things other people won't.

You're different.

You should feel good about who you are.

[man] It's the death of romance.

We're living through the murder of romance.

- Get it?

- I get you. Yeah.

When you're in love, people do

things they normally wouldn't.

I was sitting there, imagining

the rest of our lives together.

We get a villa in Italy,

she makes the lunch, I till the land.

Our kids are running

through the sunflower field.

That's f***ing beautiful.

Yeah.

[Kevin] There will be

trampolines everywhere.

People bouncing around, just

good clean American fun, you know?

You're a very strange

person, Kevin MacDonald.

There is gonna be a juice bar over there.

A juice bar is not sexy.

- It's not meant to be sexy.

- Well, then people aren't gonna come.

What are you calling it?

Trampoline World.

No, you're not calling it that.

All right, what would you call it?

- Call it "Tramps."

- I like it.

Get one of those big, fluorescent signs.

Maybe a bouncing stiletto,

slowly filling up with champagne.

- Nice.

- You know?

And light bulbs for bubbles.

You see, you are a good writer.

No, I'm not. I just...

write stuff that happens to me.

So, you're the "Other 'other' woman"?

Don't look at me with those sad

dog eyes, I knew what I was doing.

I bet it was real interesting.

How would you know?

Oh, right, because roofers don't read.

But if I did read, I'd rather

read about the rich girl who lies

than the prostitute.

And prostitutes are sad.

You're rude,

and angry,

and... really, really spoiled

but... you're not sad.

And you're narcissistic,

and indulgent,

but you're not stupid.

Thank you.

What is that?

A harmonica.

- Really?

- Mmm.

But it's so small.

- Does it play?

- Yeah, it does.

Wow.

We should probably go hang.

Okay.

Anybody got the time over there?

You working up there? [laughs]

[harmonica music playing]

So...

What's a prolapse?

[giggles]

It's when either your anus

or your vagina are pushed

inside out of your body.

That's a good word.

[horn blaring]

Sorry.

I never had any kids. I

always wanted 'em though.

- How come?

- Ah, she wanted to wait.

How dumb am I, huh?

You know, I was never once

unfaithful to her. Not once.

Nah, I loved her wholly,

unabashedly from the first day I met her.

She was my everything.

Did she find someone else?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

She said I was an emotional cripple.

That she couldn't remember what she

loved about me in the first place.

People make out like women are

the romantics but it's not true.

We're the knights, the

last of the noble breed.

I'm gonna die today.

Who's after you?

No one.

Well, you let me know... if somebody's

after you, because I got a guy for that.

[guard] [buzzing]

Well, looks like I'm sprung, kid.

Good luck to you.

Keep it in your pants.

Thank you, sir.

Mes ami, superb.

[Zade] Salut Monsieur.

The happy band are back together.

Was it terrible in jail?

Ah, it was okay. I met a nice kid.

Oh, yeah? What was he in for?

He masturbated on some girl in a bus.

[Kevin] Jesus.

Yeah, he got carried away.

I'd rather someone could

come on me than a booger.

- What?

- It's sterile. It's straight from the testes.

Booger is a waste.

I bet you think a blowj*b is fine

but you wouldn't blow your

nose in a girl's mouth.

Enough! Let's go find this Annie.

Let's just go home, Hank. I

think we're done for the day...

No. No way. I'm not giving up now.

Hank, I... I really don't mind.

Well, I do mind. I just

wasted half my day in jail.

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