Sex Tape

1

Do you remember the first time

your husband saw you naked?

Do you remember what it felt like?

Do you remember what he felt like?

- Holy motherfuckin' f***!

- Oh, my God!

- Holy f***!

- Oh, my God!

- Again?

- F***, yeah.

Now, this might be a little harder.

Do you remember the second time

your husband saw you naked?

Annie, you coming?

- We're gonna be late.

- Wake up, sleepyhead!

- Annie!

- Sh*t.

Hey, guys. I totally overslept.

- Okay. Well, you can meet us.

- Okay. That sounds...

- I saw your butt. Just standin' there.

- Did you?

I never seen your butt before.

I had no choice.

We accidentally left the door open.

I mean, can you even imagine a world where

you accidentally leave the door open?

I love f***ing you.

I f***ing love you.

For Jay and I,

the next few months were a blur

of constant naked, sweaty,

ugly, amazing sex.

Okay. I got it.

Oh, God!

I'll probably be pretty hungry after this.

It's been a while since I've eaten.

I can make you a sandwich.

We could probably make a burrito

out of sh*t we have here.

Okay.

No!

Holy Mary, mother of...

And let's face it.

The erections.

Oh, God. Do you

remember the erections?

Erections everywhere.

If the Wind blew.

If he ate certain foods.

If he watched any movie.

If he got sleepy.

If he woke up.

Good morning.

Sometimes, I swear his erection knew

I was in the area before Jay did.

Annie?

Everywhere we went, everything we did,

was another opportunity to have sex.

Do you think we should

be doing this right here?

Baby, honestly, I don't think

anyone can tell what's happening.

It's not that it was just sex.

But we knew that there was always

more sex just around the corner.

Then, it happened.

Dad.

Mom.

Jay and I have some big news.

We're in love. We're pregnant

and we're getting married.

- Come again?

- Honey, wait. What?

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. I took the test three times.

No, honey. No, I mean, are you

sure that now is the right time?

You're both very, very young and

who knows what the future holds?

Greg?

Jay.

Yeah. Where are you from again?

Mr. and Mrs. Grovner,

I know that we just met.

But when I first met Annie,

I knew that she was the one.

And so I think,

once you get to know me,

you're gonna feel a lot better about

this moment than you do right now

because I really love your daughter.

I love you.

Oh, boy.

Well, goodbye, sex.

- Dad!

- Walt.

- What?

- What?

- They're not right, are they?

- No, of course not.

I don't think.

- We're not too young?

- Oh, we're young. You know?

But we definitely know each other.

Greg, right?

Yes, I'm Greg.

Look, here's what

I think. They're right.

We don't know what the future holds.

But I also think that whatever

the world throws at us,

let's deal with it, right?

- Yeah.

- You know?

But what about the sex part?

Are you still gonna wanna have sex with me

even when I am big and fat and pregnant,

and then later when I'm

somebody's mother?

- Yeah! Yeah.

- Really?

Babe, my dick can see the future.

That's why we call it Nostracockus.

What about you? Are you gonna

wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I'm gonna wanna

have sex with you.

- Yeah?

- Yes!

Do you know why I'm gonna

wanna have sex with you?

- My butt?

- Because of your butt, babe.

We promised ourselves

nothing would change.

That we wouldn't let it.

And even though it was

awkward sometimes,

we made it work.

If you could just turn

a little bit more

- to the right.

- Yep.

I think we're good.

That's... I'm maxed out.

My stomach's in the way.

You know what? I'm gonna grab boob.

Yeah, just be careful. They're really

sensitive. And not in a good way.

- Got it. Very gently grabbin' boob.

- Okay, gently.

And here comes the penis.

That's gonna be the name of my album.

We were determined.

And often, successful.

Then came the event.

Motherf***er!

You're doing an amazing job, babe.

You're doing great!

Tell her she's doing great!

He's crowning, if you'd like to see.

Yeah.

Wow!

That is one incredibly

versatile hole.

You're tellin' me.

From that moment on,

everything was completely different.

No two ways about it.

I'll be back.

Not that we didn't try.

Got it.

And if one made it difficult,

two made it almost impossible.

Honey,

let's try to have sex next weekend

when my mom comes

over for lunch, okay?

I'm gonna do you like a f***ing...

Now, do you remember the last

time your husband saw you naked?

- Jay.

- Yeah.

I need a little help here.

I may be late for my thing

if I don't get in here

and take a shower right away.

Can we switch places?

You know, don't even think about it.

The big question is, how the

hell do you get it back?

All right, guys! Let's get goin'!

Clive, if you wanna wear your uniform,

you gotta get changed, bud.

One minute. This is really important.

What are you workin' on?

It's my video yearbook presentation

for graduation on Monday.

That is super impressive, man.

- Where'd you learn how to do that?

- It's really easy, Dad.

Hey, save it as something other

than "Video 1" for me, will ya?

It's fine. It's Video 1.

Hey, Clive. I asked you

to do something, right?

Don't condescend to me.

It's time to go to school.

I'll meet you in the car.

Nell, are you ready?

Later.

- All right, gang! Let's go!

- Wait, honey. Hold on!

I'm going!

I'm going, too!

Mommy packed me two kinds of

sandwiches. Jelly and peanut butter.

- Yes, honey.

- Wow.

Bye, honey. Good luck with your game.

- Good luck at work!

- Thanks, baby.

Clive, buckle up

your sister, will ya?

- Honey, did you pack all of her stuff?

- Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't forget to stop by and grab...

Light bulbs. I am on top of it. Hey.

It's gonna go great.

God, is this actually happening?

Am I gonna sell the blog for money?

Like, real money? Is that possible?

It would be amazing. For everything.

Dad, I can't be late again!

- Yes! I'll be right there, guys!

- Let's go!

Yes, Clive! I heard...

Is it just me or is the big

one becoming kind of a dick?

Don't say that. Seriously, babe.

No, I'm just sayin'

he's acting like a dick.

Don't say that.

Hey, we should have

sex sometime soon.

- I would love that.

- Yeah, me, too.

Maybe Thursday.

Fantastic. 'Cause it feels

like it's been a long time.

- It has, right?

- Yeah.

The last time was when we got those

towels from Bed Bath & Beyond.

- That's right. That was a while ago.

- Yeah, the linen sale.

Look, we can't talk

about this right now,

because we both have someplace to be.

Not the right time. Gotta get goin'.

It's just been so hard to find

the moment with the kids.

At the end of the day,

we're just both so exhausted.

- Just tell me about it.

- You know?

Maybe one of these nights, we'll have sex

instead of watching Project Runway.

We'll TiVo Project Runway.

That's probably why they invented TiVo.

So people could have sex.

Daddy? I still don't get it.

Why do we keep having all of these days?

And then, going to bed at night?

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