Sex Tape Page #2

And then, having all of these days?

And then, going to bed at night?

Well, that's sort of what life is.

When will it end?

It won't.

- Well, it'll end when we die.

- Don't do that, buddy. Okay?

Won't I get bored of doing this

stuff again and again and again?

No.

But you and Mommy are bored.

Well, that's what

happens with marriage.

Who are you?

Dad, Nell's doing it again.

Nell, get your finger

out of your butt.

Is anyone gonna clean her finger?

Hey! Stop! No!

- Nell!

- No. Stop.

- Do you mind if I join you?

- I don't mind!

No! Stop. Stop!

As you know, Piper Brothers is the world's

number one toy and child product brand

in the zero-to-four age

range for over 50 years.

We're looking to bring Piper

Brothers into the future.

And a big part of that is developing

the Piper Brothers online community

in a way that's befitting

of the Piper Brothers name.

But also in a way that says,

"This is not your grandfather's

Piper Brothers."

But in order for us to do

that, we need content.

Hey, everybody! Annie!

- Hi.

- Hank Rosenbaum.

Such a pleasure. Thank you so much.

I've heard so much about you.

- Please, sit down.

- Thank you.

Can I get you anything? Coffee?

Finger sandwich? Sliced pineapple?

No, no. I'm fine

with just water. Thanks.

Well, I just wanna stick

my head in and say hi

and to tell you that I'm a

big fan of what you do.

Thanks. That's really nice to hear.

We think you have brand potential.

The model Piper Brothers mother.

We really believe in you.

And I always say that belief is

the only metric that matters.

We didn't bring you here to wow

you with incredible numbers

because numbers are really just an

algorithm for passion and values.

It's like I was telling

my wife, Schlomit,

I think I found the voice

of Piper Brothers' values.

Thanks!

Are you sure we can't get you a finger

sandwich or a slice of pineapple?

I'm okay.

There are certain content

guidelines we'd like to discuss.

- How do you mean?

- Little things.

"Do you remember the first time

your husband saw you naked?"

Right.

"The erections? Do you

remember the erections?"

- No, I remember that part.

- "Erections everywhere."

That's an unusual post for me.

It's a great post. I enjoyed it.

But what we're looking for from you

is your authentic, wholesome voice.

It's the kind of content that Piper

Brothers mothers are so hungry for.

Look, I love being a mother.

And I love writing about it.

Well, we will make you

a meaningful proposal.

And we're very excited.

Should we have some pineapple?

We can have someone

get you some pineapple.

Band's coming to the Los

Angeles area tomorrow.

Meantime, here's the new single.

It's called Spank Me.

I swear to you, man.

I think I am in love with this girl.

- Max, that's big news.

- Yeah.

It's, like, we... I don't know.

We just connect.

Like, we have these really long, like,

super intense conversations. You know?

About religion, and snowboarding.

And then, like, out of nowhere,

she'll just text me her b*obs.

She just texted you a picture

of her b*obs out of the blue?

Oh, buddy. Good for you.

- Enjoy this time.

- Thank you, dude.

- That's amazing.

- Yeah.

I once sent Annie a

picture of my dick.

She was at a PTA meeting.

It was horrible.

- Did you go full dick?

- Yeah. I...

For a man, I feel like it's dick or...

That's kind of your only option.

Yeah, I avoid my dick.

I usually just do, like,

you know, the sexier parts of me.

Like, part bag, part leg.

You know? I'll go undercarriage. So...

I'll have my friend, Doug, come over

and we'll just knock it out real fast.

Your friend comes over and

takes a picture of your balls?

Yeah. Yeah. You know Doug, right?

- Your neighbor?

- Yeah.

He's actually a really

good photographer.

He works from home.

- And, so...

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Rosie.

- Hello, Rosie.

- New iPads are here.

- Thank you. I have been waiting for these.

- How many of those things do you have?

- Two at a time.

One for new music.

One for back catalogue.

I have this complicated syncing

system, but it works out.

- Well, what do you do with the old ones?

- I just give 'em as gifts.

- Hey, babe. How'd it go?

- They wanna buy it!

That's amazing! What did they say?

Did they make an offer?

They're going to.

They said it would be "meaningful."

Whatever that means.

I think that means a lot of money.

- Right?

- I know!

Well, we have to celebrate.

Slow down. They haven't

made the offer yet.

They're going to.

And that's reason to celebrate.

I can get Sam to cover me tonight.

What do you wanna do?

I don't know. Should we take

the kids somewhere fun?

Like pizza and roller

skating or something?

Totally! I can't wait.

I'll see you in a couple hours.

Okay, hon. Love you.

- Hello?

- Hey, Mom.

What's wrong, honey?

Nothing's wrong.

What are you doing tonight?

All right, who's ready

for some roller skating?

Annie?

Clive? Nelly?

Annie, you here?

All right.

Hello.

Hey.

- Hey, babe.

- Hi.

Where are the kids?

They're at my mom's.

They are? I thought that we

were gonna go down to the...

Holy sh*t! Wow!

Hi.

Wow. Look at you.

- Too much?

- No, it's great.

I was thinking...

Yeah! Yes!

The kids, how long are they...

- They're sleepin' over.

- Yes!

'Cause I was thinking that...

Maybe we could celebrate,

just the two of us.

I get it.

That's a great idea. This is, like,

the best idea you've ever had.

You look amazing.

Do you own these underwear?

'Cause I've never seen those before.

Come on.

This is so exciting.

I'm so excited right now.

And now you're on the bed.

This is great. I love

where this is headed.

Your narrating, it's so hot.

She said, encouragingly.

Get over here and take these

roller skates off of me.

I love it when you talk that

way about your roller skates.

Double knot.

Okay.

Here, maybe...

- No, no, no, I got it.

- Okay.

Okay, that should do it.

And a-one...

F***!

That got a lot less hot

real quick, didn't it?

- Should we continue?

- Yes.

- Babe. That was like...

- Toothy.

- Okay, just relax.

- Do I not seem relaxed?

No, I mean both of us.

What I'm talking about.

- We'll both relax. We'll just relax.

- If we both relaxed, it'd be good.

Just...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

- I don't know. I just got in my head a little bit.

- What is happening with us right now?

- It was just weird for a second. I'm sorry.

- Okay, it's fine. Here's what we're gonna do.

- All right.

- Here we go.

- Let's do this thing.

- It's on.

- What?

- We have hit boob.

We've got a man on second base.

It's a baseball term but it also

means touching your boob.

I know what it means.

Why don't we go to third.

What?

What?

Too much in my own head.

I think I've been dreaming

about this moment for so long

- when we could, like, drop everything

- Yeah.

- And just properly schtup.

- Right, right.

Instead of when you're like, half

conscious and can't resist, you know?

You think I wanna resist?

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