Sex Tape Page #3

Of course I know that

you wanna have sex.

Sometimes I just wonder if you

wanna have sex that much.

I do. I do wanna have sex that much.

But sometimes I just

feel like you're tired

you know, you're tired

or you're stressed out.

- And maybe...

- Me?

I don't know, I wonder sometimes if

you're still, you know, attracted to me.

Are you kidding?

You're a f***in' sexpot.

You think I'm a sexpot?

Instant boner.

That's what I always say about you.

My wife, instant boner-giver.

Tell me more about

this boner of yours.

He's a good guy.

Proud. Strong.

Great sense of humor.

Let's go f*** on the kitchen floor.

There he is.

You comin'?

I'm so glad that I mopped yesterday.

Yeah, totally.

Honey? Babe, babe, honey.

Do you wanna go somewhere else?

My God, thank God you said something.

My knees hurt, like, really bad.

They really hurt.

I know. My tailbone is killing

me and I can see my to-do list.

- Should we try the couch?

- Yeah.

- Sex on the couch, of course, yeah.

- Let's go.

Let's go.

- It'll just be a minute.

- Okay.

- No.

- No?

Do you have allergies?

Yeah, all week.

I've had allergies all week.

- It's 'cause of the pressure change.

- Is that what it is?

- This used to totally work, remember?

- Totally work.

This was like my move.

You loved this.

Sh*t, man!

- What is happening?

- It's okay.

Is it possible that we have somehow

forgotten how to have sex?

- Do not say that.

- Because we used to be great at this.

Yeah, we were. We were.

I was like Shaquille O'Neal in the sack.

I had that kind of game.

- What?

- Shaquille O'Neal's a weird comparison.

I'm just trying to say

- that I was a dominant player.

- Yeah, I know.

- I would've gone with Derek Fisher for you.

- Derek Fisher?

- What? He's a great player.

- Okay.

- I feel like we're tryin' to say

the same thing. - Okay.

- You were like LeBron James.

- Thanks, honey.

We were like Derek Fisher and

LeBron James having sex.

I'm saying we were world-class.

And now, what is happening?

I don't know. I mean, we're older.

We're parents.

Yeah, but we're not dead!

I still think about sex all the time.

I know. I use your computer.

- The porn.

- Yeah.

You and I used to watch

porn together all the time.

I still watch porn

every once in a while.

- You do?

- Yeah.

But the quality of writing

has really gone downhill.

I like it best when it feels

like they're really in love.

Yeah, I feel like we're getting

different things out of porn.

Maybe.

I just watch it for the

naked women having sex.

And the porn guys don't

get in the way or anything?

Don't even see 'em.

They're completely invisible to me.

Should we watch some porn?

Just feels kind of depressing.

Yeah.

Do we have any of that tequila left?

That's a good idea.

- That's a really good idea.

- Right.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We are gonna drink some tequila.

We're gonna pull ourselves

out of this sad little moment

that we're having and after that...

We're gonna be Derek Fisher

and LeBron f***ing James.

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna call my mom and make

sure the kids went to sleep okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah. I just got that today.

I'm super excited about it.

It's got a higher-resolution display,

which means more pixels,

and they upgraded the camera.

- What?

- I just had this idea.

All right. Let's hear it.

Let's make a porn.

Excuse me?

Let's video ourselves having sex.

- Absolutely. Yeah, totally.

- Really?

Yeah. The more I think about

it, yes, that's a great idea.

- I think it's kind of hot, right?

- Babe, I think that is a great idea.

Here, cheers.

Look at us. Annie and Jay.

Send the kids off to Grandma's

house, make a little porn.

- Mazeltov.

- To porn.

Chug it.

I mean, drink to that.

Yeah.

We don't even have to watch

it if we don't want to.

Or we could. Either way.

Okay, honey,

what's our storyline?

- Story?

- Yeah.

- I'm not sure the story's that important.

- Yeah.

Come on.

I have another idea.

Well, I would like to hear that idea.

- Because you're clearly in the zone.

- This is it.

This is what we're gonna do.

The Joy of Sex.

- We still have that.

- Every position, right now.

I like that. I like that a lot.

- Every single one?

- Yep. We're not gonna skip one.

- Even...

- Yeah. Even that.

- Yes!

- But also...

Totally. It's in the book.

And we'll video the whole thing.

You're a genius. No,

I married a genius.

I need another drink.

I need to be drunker.

Okay.

- Here I go.

- Get here. Okay.

Action.

- Hello.

- Hi.

And welcome to Annie and Jay's,

A Night With Annie and Jay.

I'm Jay and this is my

lovely wife, Annie.

And tonight, we intend to

demonstrate every position

in The Joy of Sex.

Are you speaking to

our students, honey?

Why, yes, I am, Annie.

And this is our dojo.

Our sex dojo.

Our sex dojo. That's right.

Annie, the book, please.

Here you go, Professor.

Thank you, Annie.

Well.

Wow. Wow. Okay.

- Look at that bush.

- Well, look at his bush.

- I'm talking about his bush.

- Is that still his bush?

I can't tell where her

bush ends and his begins.

People were furrier in the '70s.

- "Matrimonial."

- That's right. Wow.

Matrimonial.

Can we start with something

other than missionary?

Absolutely. We can loop

back around to missionary.

- Right.

- It's not goin' anywhere.

Okay, close your eyes, my dear.

- Say "stop" when I...

- Stop!

"Flanquette."

Flanquette!

That is what I'm talkin' about.

- I feel good about this one.

- Me, too.

Okay. So you see what's happening?

- That's my leg.

- Yeah, okay.

- But that's your leg.

- Okay.

- So, it's like...

- Yep. All right.

- Let's do this. Let's do it.

- Let's do it.

What?

- Come here. Come here.

- Okay, here we go.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Okay, ready? Okay.

- Yeah.

- Go.

- Go.

- You're amazing at that.

- Really?

- My gosh.

- Still?

Are you kidding me?

You were like a machine.

Like a battering ram.

Thank you.

- Honey?

- Yeah?

Erase that video, okay?

Yeah.

I don't want the kids to ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever...

No, I'll erase it. No worries.

- You don't forget, okay?

- I won't forget.

I love f***ing you.

I f***ing love you.

No! No, not my own son!

So as long as we get them both down

for their second naps by 2:00-ish,

then the nighttime

is a little better.

Yeah, if we don't get them down

by 2:
00-ish we're totally f***ed.

"Totally f***ed." That's nice.

This is just an expression.

- How else would you describe this?

- I would describe this as...

- Super f***ed?

- ...a gift of life. You're welcome.

You guys are bouncing the

sh*t out of those babies.

You're bouncing 'em hard.

You guys are doing great.

It's getting a lot easier, though.

We're seeing the light at

the end of the tunnel.

- Yeah.

- You guys should have seen us a month ago.

I don't even know who I was then.

Oh, my God. These are the salad days.

Yeah, it sounds really

intense, but you got it!

So, are you guys

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