Sex Tape Page #4

thinking of having more?

No.

Isn't it crazy that the boys are

graduating fourth grade? Isn't that crazy?

And Howard is graduating fifth grade.

When did that happen?

Since when did kids graduate

from fourth and fifth grade?

It used to be school just ended.

There wasn't a ceremony for everything.

- Just...

- Ignore him.

- I will.

- Yeah.

- I love your blog, by the way.

- Thank you.

Do you think Piper Brothers

is gonna go for it?

Fingers crossed.

Hey, good people.

- Hi, honey. Hi.

- Hello, you. Hi.

- You're really wet. Look at you.

- Yeah. I should go put on some dry clothes.

I'm gonna come with you

'cause we gotta talk

about that... About...

- The thing.

- Yes, the thing.

Totally. We have to

talk about a thing.

Thank you.

Jesus. Kill me.

Hey. Hello, pal.

- Gentlemen.

- Hey, Howie.

It's Howard.

Just Howard.

Sorry.

You know what? I just

gave up a Super Soaker.

Why don't you get in there, bud?

- Maybe I will.

- Yeah.

- I do enjoy Super Soakers.

- Yeah!

You can see the difference

in personalities already.

This one loves watermelon.

This one's kind of an a**hole.

I think everyone had fun, right?

Totally. It was great.

What about Punit and Kia?

Kinda hate each other, right?

Sure seemed like it, yeah.

"Enjoyed your video"?

Where's the pizza cutter?

Babe, do you see the pizza

cutter out there anywhere?

Yes?

Jay.

Jay, the pizza cutter?

It's yours.

I have so many of them. Enjoy.

F*** me.

- Honey, are there any more plates outside?

- Just a second.

- Hello!

- Hi!

Hello!

Hello!

- Honey...

- F***!

That sweater nice, girl.

Thanks.

Was it... Did I...

Could...

What the hell is going on?

It's...

When...

You know the cloud?

So what you're saying

is that instead of erasing the video

like you said that you would,

you actually ended up sending it

to everyone that you ever given

one of those f***ing iPads to?

- That is not at all what happened.

- No?

Well, technically, yes!

It's exactly what happened.

But it was so accidental,

it doesn't even qualify as...

Thank you.

Hank Rosenbaum!

- What?

- The Piper Brothers guy!

- You gave him one?

- Yes! I told you I needed one for work.

- I put my entire presentation on it.

- You did?

I'm supposed to be the model

Piper Brothers mother!

Maybe he hasn't seen it yet.

As a matter of fact, Annie, I'm willing

to bet that none of these people

have even noticed that

the video is on there yet.

Except for this text, but...

What text?

I received a text.

- From who?

- It's unclear.

I'm not sure how to hurt

you right now, Jay.

- I know. But let's take a deep breath.

- Sh*t!

Come sit down next to me.

Come sit down. Come here.

- Let's look at what's actually happened.

- Okay.

We made a video

of ourselves having sex

for about three hours,

and it was amazing, right?

- Yeah, no, it was great.

- Okay.

And then you asked me

to erase it and I forgot.

- You forgot?

- I forgot.

And now our video has been

synced to several devices.

All of which, though, are basically

in the possession of friends.

- God.

- And acquaintances.

And the mailman.

Oh, God!

- Who sent you that text, Jay?

- I don't know. I don't know, Annie.

Did you call the number?

That is actually a really good idea.

Oh, my God.

Your call has been forwarded...

- Voice mail!

- Okay!

Hi, this is Jay Hargrove.

Could you give me a call back at

your earliest convenience, please?

I believe you have the number. Bye.

That's it?

What the hell else was I

supposed to say to the guy?

"Who the f*** is this?"

I wouldn't call back if someone

left that on my machine.

Okay, we have to get

these iPads back right now.

Hello?

- Hi, Mom!

- Hi, honey.

Is there any chance

that you might be able

to come and watch the kids

for us, like, right away?

Right now?

We really need you to,

like, right away

if you could come over.

Why, I suppose.

- Thanks, Mom. That's so great. Thanks.

- Annie.

Hold on a second. What?

It might be worth asking your mom

to bring her iPad.

Are you kidding me?

And could you bring your iPad, too?

- My iPad?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Great, okay.

- What are you not gonna forget?

- The iPad.

So say goodbye, hang up

and then come right away.

Okay. All right.

- Can you hang up?

- Okay, honey.

Okay, hang up now, Mom.

Okay, say goodbye.

Okay, hang up.

- Bye.

- Okay, bye!

- Who else has these things?

- Let's think about it.

Robby, the mailman...

Every time you say "mailman," Jay,

I'm just gonna hit you.

- You see, it was Christmas...

- I don't give a sh*t.

Mailman, Robby, Hank,

my mother, and who else?

Oh, my God!

Clive?

- May I see that for a second, honey?

- Why?

- Just for a second.

- I was using that!

- What the hell?

- I can't take any chances.

Okay, kid! Come on, Jay!

Grandma's here for some

mysterious reason!

Oh, my gosh! Is that the iPad

I gave you? I love that iPad.

- Can I borrow it?

- Why is Grandma here?

- Grandma!

- Grandma!

Okay. Grandma's gonna watch you guys

while Mommy and Daddy go out.

You guys can order Chinese food.

- I hate Chinese food.

- Okay. Then order a pizza.

Once again, enjoy this iPad. I had to

make sure it was working. Enjoy that.

- Let's go! Thank you.

- What about my iPad?

Thank you.

Man. The construction on these

things is just unbelievable.

Jay! Come on, Jay, let's go!

Let's go to Robby and

Tess' house first! Let's go!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sorry! Got it!

So I'm just trying to understand

why it is that you don't erase these

things before you give them to people.

I have amazing playlists and

people want them. That's the gift.

The gift is the playlist,

not the iPad.

When I update my music library,

it syncs to their iPads.

I use an app called Frankensync

to sync the playlists.

I upgraded to this new app,

Bride of Frankensync,

and now, apparently,

it syncs all of my sh*t

to everywhere 'cause it's

a very powerful app!

How do you forget to

erase your sex tape?

It kept slipping my mind and then,

the next thing I knew, it went up!

It went up to the cloud!

And you can't get it

down from the cloud?

Nobody understands the cloud!

It's a f***ing mystery!

Look, all that's happened here is there's

been a very minor syncing mishap.

This is not minor!

And I wish that you would

just admit that you f***ed up

instead of trying to convince

me that this isn't a big deal

'cause it is a big deal.

You know what, Annie?

I'm on there, too.

Who gives a sh*t? Nobody cares about you.

Nobody wants to watch you having sex.

You said it yourself.

Nobody cares about the guy!

It's the woman that has

to live with it forever.

- Who is it?

- "Guess who?" Smiley face.

- Who the f*** is this?

- F***!

It's gotta be Tess.

It's gotta be Tess.

- You think?

- Yeah!

With the whole "XOXO smiley

face" thing? Yeah. It's Tess.

Right, is that really a Tess thing,

or is that more of like a

very, very common thing?

No, it's a Tess thing.

She must just be joking around.

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