Sex Tape Page #5

Except her number is in my

phone so it would say, "Tess."

Well, maybe she got a new phone.

She probably saw what it was and

stopped watching it immediately

because she has so much

respect for our privacy.

This makes perfect sense.

Right. Okay.

Okay, great. It's Tess.

- I'd buy it.

- Yeah.

She picks up the iPad,

sees there's a sex tape on there,

pushes play, it's us,

immediately stopped it,

- 'cause she respects us.

- Yes.

Then she went out and got a new

phone and a new phone number.

Yeah.

So do you think that means

Robby has seen it, too?

Well, if he's seen it, you're gonna

have to get a new best friend.

We're just gonna cut Robby

and Tess out of our lives?

Yeah, that's right. And if the

mailman has seen it, we're movin'.

Wait. What if it's not Tess?

Okay, look. We're just gonna feel this

out, and if it doesn't seem like it's her,

- we just don't say anything at all. Okay?

- Of course.

No, no. They do not need

to know about this. Okay?

Babe, it's gonna be pretty easy

to tell if they've seen it or not.

Hey!

- Hey.

- Hey!

What's going on?

What's going on with you?

Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging out.

It's our anniversary, actually,

so Marta took Howard to a movie

and we're just hanging out,

watching some...

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

- Hey.

- Hey.

We're so sorry to drop by like

this on your anniversary and all.

Yeah, why didn't you guys mention

it was your anniversary?

- 'Cause it's our 12th anniversary?

- Yeah.

Like, who cares, right? So...

You guys wanna come in?

Or not.

What were you guys watching?

This is really embarrassing.

Just tell us what you

guys were watching.

- Yeah. It's not a big deal.

- What were you watching?

Okay, all right, all right.

We're watching the first

season of Breaking Bad.

It's really embarrassing

how far behind we are.

That's a great show.

You guys really are far behind.

- That's all right.

- Don't tell us what happens!

Hey, while we're here,

remember that iPad I gave you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I need that back.

- Okay.

- Was that why you...

Is that why you came here to our

house, to get your iPad back?

Well...

- I have some stuff on it that I need.

- What? Dirty pictures or something?

You guys make a sex tape?

Did you guys watch it?

I was kidding.

What the f***?

And then Jay received

this text that said,

"Loved your video.

Thanks for sharing. XOXO."

And you thought that was from me?

Well, it sounded like you.

I don't think if I'd seen your sex tape,

I would have done "XOXO."

- I was hoping it was you...

- Because if it wasn't me, then who is it?

No, I get it. I get it.

Could we back up for just a second?

So you taped yourself

having sex for three hours?

Yes.

Why did you do that?

Never mind.

- Who has sex for three hours?

- We did.

That's the length of the movie Lincoln.

You did the full Lincoln.

Well, guys, I'm sorry, you know,

but I'm not the one who sent that text.

God, this isn't happening.

Okay, who else has these things?

You guys, the mailman...

Hank Rosenbaum.

- Piper Brothers guy?

- Yes!

The guy that wants to buy your blog?

And who's very concerned

about my image.

Okay, I'm an idiot!

- No! Come on!

- You messed up.

No.

He is. Let him have that.

I would have killed you.

I mean, if you had thought

about it for a second,

you'd know to just

password-protect your sh*t.

- I would have killed you in your sleep.

- Or just f***ing delete it.

Oh, my God. Wait!

- Wait a minute!

- What?

My sister is his florist!

My God, do you think she

knows where he lives?

Yeah, I think she's been to

his house. She's his florist!

Hold on. What's the plan here?

We're just gonna show

up at this guy's house?

- Yeah!

- And we're coming with you!

Oh, my God. It'll be a fun night!

We have a sitter!

- I'll call Rochelle.

- Yeah!

Hey, my sister thought the every

position thing was a great idea!

You told your sister? What is up?

Big supporter of you.

Well, I thought she'd be thrilled.

Hey.

iPad.

- Yeah, yeah. Boy, what a mess.

- No. Can I have it?

- The iPad.

- Yeah.

- You came over here to get it.

- I need the iPad, please.

- What if I can't get it right now?

- Just give me the iPad.

- What if I just erase the video myself?

- Dude.

Okay. You're gonna have to

give me all that music again.

- Dude!

- Fine! Jeez!

Did you just pull this

out of your pants?

Yeah.

I feel like a second ago,

you said you couldn't

remember where it was.

I forgot.

Fair enough.

- It's an easy mistake to make.

- Okay.

- So, what are we gonna do?

- Yeah. What's the plan, gang?

Should we pretend we have a flat,

and none of us had our cell phones?

We knock. You're like,

"Hank! What a surprise!"

Yes. And then I jump in and I say,

"Hi. I'm your florist's sister, Tess."

Feel like this is just a super weird

way to spend your anniversary.

For a 12th anniversary,

I think it's pretty solid.

You know what? You guys

stay in the car. It's our mess.

We can go clean it up. Right, babe?

I think we'd really like

to be part of the plan.

Let us participate.

Guys, we're gonna be in and out up there.

We're gonna knock on the door.

Yes, it'll be a little awkward at first.

But I really think it'll be fine.

Okay, so this is what we're gonna do.

I'll distract him, you say you

have to go to the bathroom,

and then you search the house

for the iPad. Good? Okay, let's go.

Annie. Annie, can you hold on

one second? That house is huge.

We'll tell him you have diarrhea.

First of all, that's embarrassing.

And second of all, who tells

someone that they have diarrhea?

Food poisoning.

Okay. How about I distract him

and you have the food poisoning?

No. I am not gonna have food poisoning.

You're gonna have food poisoning.

The person who forgets to erase

the sex tape has food poisoning.

It's in the book.

Annie!

Well, I'll be!

Hank? Hey!

- What a surprise.

- This is so crazy.

You live here?

I'm sorry. I'm lost.

You two know each other?

This is Hank, honey. Remember

I was telling you about Hank?

Hank Rosenbaum?

Hank Rosenbaum!

This is my husband, Jay.

Jay. The famous Jay.

In the flesh.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

What a crazy coincidence,

honey. Right?

We were just randomly

in the neighborhood.

We've been knocking on doors trying

to collect money for a charity.

What charity?

- It's for... Charity for...

- For kids.

Yeah, for kids that have oversized...

- Kidneys.

- Kidneys.

They got these

enormous kidneys.

It's so sad.

- You have to see it.

- So we're just trying to help them out.

"Hey, Dad. Da. What is this

bulge in me back, Da?"

"That's your kidney, son.

Get on with it."

They're British orphans.

Yeah, so we're just out to try

to raise some money for it.

Anyhow, would you possibly

want to contribute?

Yes. Please. Come in.

I will get my checkbook.

Thanks. That's just

so generous of you.

Hey, do you think that Jay

could use your bathroom?

Because he has diarrhea.

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