Sex Tape Page #6

Food poisoning. He has

the shits, as they say.

Sure, it's right down

the hall. Go crazy.

Thank you.

Well, come on in and make

yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

It's a really lovely house.

Thank you. Put on some music.

Sure.

Sh*t! F***!

What the f***?

Would you like something to drink?

What?

I'm sorry. Let me turn

this down so we can talk.

Can I get you something to drink?

Sure.

Schlomit and the kids are away,

so I'm just spreading my wings.

Drinking some scotch.

Fifty years old.

The good stuff.

Here's to our bright future together.

Whatever it may hold.

That's a really interesting painting.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah.

I had it commissioned.

It's a moment from the

movie The Lion King.

Except it's me in place of Rafiki.

So, that's me

presenting Simba to all of the creatures

from the Pride Lands to behold.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

You know what?

I'm gonna put on something

a little more festive.

Hi.

Hey, hey, little guy.

Stay.

Stay!

Sit!

You seem, I don't know, nervous.

It's just a little awkward

showing up at your house

and asking you for a

donation, is all.

I'm glad you're here.

I could use the company.

I know.

No, no, no! Please! No! No!

No! Stay!

Heel!

I was hoping that we would get a

chance to get to know each other.

Me, too. What a

wonderful coincidence.

There's no such thing as coincidence.

That's what Schlomit always says.

Is this your family?

Yeah. That's all of us at Aspen.

There's Schlo and my son,

Benyamin, and Sarah.

They're very sweet.

No! No!

Help!

Hank!

No! Not my face! Not my face!

Help!

I didn't wanna do that.

F*** with me,

you're gonna get hit by a book.

That's what's gonna happen.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

You know, it's funny.

When the family's away you find

yourself thinking about things

that you don't think

about all the time.

I bet.

You think about who you were,

and who you've become.

Would you like to do some cocaine?

I'm sorry?

I'm just doin' some blow

while the family's away.

Would you like a bump?

No, I don't think that's really...

I see.

I mean, not that I

have a problem with...

I mean, I do have a...

Is this some sort... It's a test?

Okay, I see what's happening here.

You're thinking about all that

talk about Piper Brothers values.

But if you think situationally,

friendship is a Piper Brothers value.

One of the big ones.

And that's all that's happening here.

We're just hanging around,

getting to know one other,

and doin' some rails.

But if that's not your thing...

Well...

Okay. Right.

Better make sure that Jay's not lost.

No, no, no! He's fine.

Let's do cocaine!

Super!

Sh*t!

Are you okay?

See? That's what I'm saying.

We get older and we forget.

People, they stop doing

the things that they love.

And for some people,

it could be surfing.

For some people,

it could be traveling.

For me, it's gettin' high and

listen' to freakin' Slayer.

That just, like, blows my mind

that that's what it is for you.

- But that's your point.

- That's my point.

'Cause it's so small-minded of me

- to assume anything.

- Right?

- Because I don't know you.

- You don't know me.

- I don't know you. Yeah.

- You know the idea of me.

The CEO that controls your future.

- But that's not me.

- No.

And it's like you, I'm sure there are

things about you that nobody knows.

F*** yeah, there are.

- Can I show you something?

- Yeah!

Piper Brothers, 75 years.

But very few people know about that.

And there's more.

Eazy-E!

I miss him every day.

That's so touching. Did you know him?

Annie, it's like... It's just...

Lotta parts up in me.

Wake up!

Wake up, you f***in' cocksucker!

Siri, how do you

perform CPR on a dog?

I found four places

named "Starbucks."

What the f*** is happening?

And then you become a mother, right?

And it becomes about the kids.

Which is great, because you

want it to be about the kids.

But then you need time for yourself.

That's why I started writing.

But it's, like, writing about Jay and

the kids, and then it becomes a job.

But I love my job. I love my job.

But I need to work out.

I need to work out.

It's not even for me.

It's, like, for everybody else.

Because I'll go bat-sh*t crazy.

Like, crazy, crazy, crazy.

I ran track. I ran track in college.

But, you know, it's just so hard

- to find the time.

- I know.

- To do anything, right?

- It is.

If you don't do that, then you

just sort of lose yourself.

Do you want another line?

No, I'm still enjoying the

first line quite a bit, thanks.

You are so easy to talk to.

I feel like you get me.

Oh, God, I feel like we

get each other. Yeah.

Where's your husband?

I don't know! Where is that f***er?

What was that? Was that the doorbell?

- There's a lot of action here tonight.

- Yeah, there is.

Hey! Okay.

Can I help you?

Hi! I'm the mayor, Robby Thompson.

- Pleasure to meet you.

- What's happening?

- The mayor?

- Not of this area.

I'm mayor of a different area.

Of Thousand Oaks.

He is the Mayor of Thousand Oaks

and I am his First

Lady of Thousand Oaks.

- Okay.

- That's right.

And we are out,

just talkin' to people,

spreadin' the word

about Thousand Oaks.

What word?

Great town.

It's a wonderful city

to raise a family.

They have the winningest Little League

baseball record in the country.

Nobody gives a sh*t

about Thousand Oaks.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

"Your Honor." Please.

"Your Honor's" my dad's name.

"Mr. Mayor" will be just fine.

Hello.

No!

Sit!

Fetch!

Fetch!

Anyway, we're out talkin' to

people about Thousand Oaks

and we're collecting donations for

the Big Brother charity program.

- Charity program. Of Thousand Oaks.

- Of Thousand Oaks.

What is it with this new trend of

late-night charitable solicitations?

I don't know. I have no idea.

We definitely accept money.

But what we really

need are used iPads.

That's a really good idea.

It's a great idea.

- It is?

- Really inspired.

Yeah. I'm sure they

could really use that.

Well, I have one.

No.

Yeah. I have one right here.

You actually gave me this. I haven't

had a chance to look at it yet.

I don't need it. Just give it to 'em.

- Do you mind if I just give...

- God, no. Give it to 'em. I don't care.

It seems like a good cause.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. This worked out great.

- Nice to meet you!

- Have a good night!

- Remember Thousand Oaks!

- Good night!

- Hi, I'm the mayor.

- iPad!

There he is!

Ariel! Hakuna matata!

Go play.

Jay. What the hell happened to you?

I had an epileptic fit.

In your bathroom.

But your dog saved me.

Because, in addition to diarrhea,

I'm also an epileptic.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

We gotta go. It is

time for us to leave.

This is when we should

get the hell out.

Now. Just now is

when we should leave.

'Cause, you know, this is... Yeah.

- I did a little cocaine. What?

- What?

- Just one line.

- Just one line.

- One what?

- A bump.

- What?

- She did a line. So?

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes