Sex Tape Page #7

Honey, let's just... Okay.

Thank you so much for your hospitality.

You've been so amazing.

- This is your cocaine straw.

- No, no, no. Please. Keep it.

Thank you.

Okey-dokey.

Thank you so much for

helping with our charity,

but Annie and I need to get

movin' on those kidneys.

I completely forgot.

I need to go get my checkbook.

Thank you so much.

What?

"Just one line"?

- Who are you?

- What was I supposed to do?

Cocaine? That's the

answer to that question?

He offered and I didn't

wanna seem judgmental.

It was peer pressure.

I was distracting him.

With cocaine? What is this?

F***in' Scarf ace?

Are you giving me sh*t?

- Is that what's happening right now?

- Yeah!

- No, I don't think so.

- Annie.

Annie. How is it that I get

mauled by an attack dog,

I barely escape with my life,

you're in the living room

doing blow with your boss,

and somehow, you're mad at me?

- What did I do?

- What did you do?

You didn't erase the

f***ing video, Jay!

I told you, Annie. I forgot.

"I forgot." "I forgot."

I've heard you say that. "I forgot!"

Okay, fine! I didn't forget!

I made a conscious

decision to keep the tape.

And I was gonna keep it forever!

Because I had on video

what was one of the

greatest nights of my life.

And so I wanted to keep it.

For myself.

And for my own personal

reference use.

Yeah, you wanted it. But I

specifically didn't want you to keep it

because I didn't want it to

get out and guess what?

It did! It did immediately.

That part was a mistake.

I wanted to save it for myself

and then the f***in' app...

Stop talking about the app,

'cause this is just typical of you.

You do whatever the hell

you wanna do all the time,

and I do everything. I do everything.

I hold this sh*t down, is what I do.

- Clearly, you should not do cocaine.

- Maybe I should do more cocaine.

Because I've never done it

before and I kinda like it.

I'm fairly certain the answer is

not for you to do more cocaine.

This sex tape. This night.

This is the kind of thing that

reveals a lot about a person.

- Really?

- Reveals a whole lot about a person.

- You know what? Just shut up.

- I tried not to say it!

This kind of thing, a crisis,

reveals who someone

really is deep down.

And you, you can't think

about anyone else but you.

- Okay, that is...

- Jay does what Jay wants to do.

You have to go to a concert

three nights in a row.

For work?

But that's my job,

Annie. We're a team.

And part of what I do

on that team is I work.

That's what makes me a

good teammate, isn't it?

I don't just wanna be a teammate!

Why did we stop having sex?

What?

- Annie, it's not like we just stopped.

- No, you know what I mean.

It's just, like, Why did...

When did we stop needing to be close?

When did I become so annoying?

I don't know!

I think the coke is wearing off.

- That's a bummer, man. I was having a blast.

- Really?

We really gotta find out who's

been sending these f***ing texts.

Are they...

They're having sex in our car.

It appears that way.

- Sorry, guys.

- Yeah, sorry.

I'm not even gonna ask if you guys...

Yes, we watched the video.

You said you weren't

gonna say anything.

I know we weren't gonna say

anything, but I can't lie to Jay.

And besides, we just skimmed

it because we didn't have time.

Oh, my God!

Annie, there is nothing

to be ashamed of.

He's right. There's not.

At first, yes, I thought there was.

But now, I've seen it.

And there's not.

No, it's the most natural

thing in the world.

I think this might be...

No, it definitely is the most

embarrassing moment of my life.

No, no, no. You should

not feel embarrassed.

If anything, you should feel proud.

Yeah, your body's insane.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

Truly, I admire you for it.

I can't believe that

you let him watch it!

I'm sorry.

He wanted to watch it. I wanted

to watch it. Just a little peek.

But then, we got very

involved with it.

- We got really wrapped up in it.

- Oh, my God!

Great dick, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

Honestly, the whole thing

was a big turn-on.

- Oh, my God.

- We noticed. Yes.

Guys, could I have

the iPad back, please?

- Really? I mean we...

- Dude!

Okay, fine!

There you go.

You're obsessed with that thing.

Wait.

We shall never speak

of this night again.

- Absolutely.

- Of course.

I need a bathroom and an aspirin.

- Of course.

- Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Please.

- Dad. Mom.

- Hey, pal.

Hey, sweetie. Hi, Marta.

- Howard is study.

- I was. In my room.

Annie, Jay. What a

surprise, you guys.

We were just out

gettin' a drink.

Celebrate the ol' anniversary.

Here. I'll get you an aspirin.

Okay. I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Want a shirt?

- Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, bud.

- I'll get you a shirt.

Get outta my way!

So, here we are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you receive my text message?

What?

Yeah. You know, you really

should be more careful, Jay.

Wait, are you...

No. 'Cause you're just too...

Is this a...

Stop babbling already, Jay.

I think we both know that

I already own your ass.

You own my ass?

What, do I have to spell it out

for you? I have your sex tape.

You're f***ed.

- I got news for you.

- What?

I got the iPad back.

- You got the iPad back?

- Yeah.

That's fantastic, man.

Good effort. Look at me.

Do I look like a kid who knows how to

make a simple copy of an MP4 or do I not?

- Yeah, you do.

- And look at you.

Runnin' around trying to collect up

all your iPads before time runs out.

Why didn't you just remote wipe them?

You can do that?

F***!

F*** me!

I almost murdered a dog.

Yeah.

But I already uploaded your sorry-ass

video to a site called YouPorn.

Should be up by tomorrow morning.

And sadly, the only one

that can take the video down

is the original poster and that's me.

Okay, this is a...

I got it. This is a joke, right?

You're joking.

You didn't put...

What do you want?

You want an Xbox?

- You can get me an Xbox?

- Do you want an Xbox?

- Like, the new Xbox?

- Yeah.

What do I look like to you, Jay?

A f***ing idiot? No!

I want $25,000 in cash.

$25,000?

Howard. First of all, I don't

have $25,000 just sittin' around.

And besides, what are you

gonna do with $25,000?

I'm gonna buy a horse.

Yeah, I'm gonna buy a motherfucking

horse to keep my b*tches happy.

I think it's time for me to have

a little talk with your parents.

Try. Go ahead.

I'll lie.

They're gonna believe me. Not you.

And don't you dare

tell Annie about this.

I'm gonna tell Annie.

Okay.

But before you do, just think about

these three words for me, all right?

School. Email. Blast.

Man! I need some ice cream. Who's in?

Deal with it, Jay. You're f***ed!

I got just so much

pressure inside me.

Good talk, pal. Seriously.

Honey.

Let's go home and keep calling

that number until someone answers.

I just wanna know who's

sending these texts.

Wanna do the thing?

Wanna do the four-flavor thing?

- Yeah, let's do that thing.

- Yeah.

Robby, there's no easy

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