Sex Tape Page #8

way for me to say this,

but your kid is trying to

blackmail me for $25,000!

Jay, can you hear yourself right now?

I mean, look. You've had

a stressful day, right?

Howard's just a kid.

He's not your problem.

When you wake up,

you'll realize that.

Would you just go check his computer?

Check his phone!

- For me?

- Jay.

I'm not gonna look at his computer.

Because there's nothing on there.

He told me and I trust him.

This is Howard we're talking about.

- I gotta go.

- Okay.

Get some rest, all right?

I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Sh*t. Right, graduation.

- I forgot.

- And, hey.

I just wanted to say one

more time, man. Great tape.

I mean, I had no idea that

Annie was so flexible.

- Robby. Robby.

- Yeah?

Maybe we should just stop

talking about this now.

Yeah, yeah! Fair enough.

- Another time. Yeah.

- Or, you know, never.

Another time.

Mom, thank you so much for

coming by on such short notice.

Of course, honey. Of course.

- Thank you.

- Annie. Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. It's fine.

And you and Jay? You're okay?

Yeah, I think so.

You sure you don't wanna

tell me what's goin' on?

Yes, I'm sure.

Maybe some other time.

Never.

There's some things that I

really wanna share with you,

and then, there's some things that

you should die just never knowing.

- Okay, sounds good.

- Okay.

- What are you doing?

- Jesus Christ!

Hi. You can't keep doing that to me.

What are you doing, Jay?

I have really good news.

Great news.

I remote wiped the mailman's iPad.

I erased his iPad from my computer.

- You can do that?

- Yes, you can.

We did it.

So, yeah. In a way it would've been

nice to have that information earlier.

In another, more important way,

it's great news that we have

remote wiped the mailman's iPad.

Yeah, it's good news.

What's the bad news?

What?

$25,000?

Where we gonna get...

We don't have $25,000!

- We're not giving it to Howard!

- We're not. It's insane.

We're gonna let

this little freak show

just post it up on the Internet

for the entire world to see?

People that we know?

People we don't know?

God, my gynecologist is gonna be

- so disappointed in me.

- Okay.

The deli guy's gonna see

what we did with the salami!

Babe, can I say something that's gonna

sound kinda crazy, but just go with me?

All right? I've been watching a

bunch of these videos online,

and you cannot really tell

who these people are. Mostly.

And I'm sure that they all have somebody

that they don't want seeing their videos,

but they make them anyway.

Like this one video I saw,

"Corn-fed Cowgirl Gets Milked."

There is no way that she

wanted her boss seeing that

because what happened there

seemed very personal.

- Your point is?

- My point is,

if our video went up

there, God forbid,

does anybody even know that it's us?

And if they did,

does it really matter that much?

I mean, it might.

The coke-bender Hank

Rosenbaum might not care.

But the CEO of Piper Brothers

Hank Rosenbaum, he might.

Honey.

Hank Rosenbaum has an 11-inch

double-sided dildo in his nightstand.

Is it made by Piper Brothers?

Look, my point is,

maybe everybody has an

11-inch dildo in their nightstand.

- That's a beautiful metaphor, honey.

- Thank you.

I thought of it just then.

Maybe we don't care so much

about what other people think.

I have an idea.

- What?

- We haven't even seen this video yet.

There's no chance I'm watchin' it.

You don't have to. I'll watch it.

And at least, then, we'll know

what we're actually dealing with.

Here we go.

We gotta get this thing

off the f***ing Internet!

Why? What?

I saw it! That's us.

That's definitely us. Very clearly.

- That camera's f***in' amazing.

- Oh, my God!

Remember that thing I told you about porn?

About how you see right past the guy?

Well, I saw him and it's me

and it's f***ing horrible!

It's like the worst

picture of yourself ever.

Except you're f***ing for hours.

- What about me?

- You? You're a f***ing sexpot.

I've told you this.

Total wank material.

And now you're gonna

be in the f***ing cloud!

- Oh, my God.

- We have to do something.

We need 25 grand to pay off Howard.

Hell no! F*** Howard!

I have another idea.

Okay. You said it was

on YouPorn, right?

We're gonna be on it. Jesus Christ.

I know, honey.

We're not. Relax, okay?

The Internet is not a free-floating thing.

It's on a server somewhere.

It's not like it's an actual cloud.

You knew that, right?

Yeah.

Look, we find a business address.

It's probably in the Valley somewhere.

Most porn companies are.

We're 20 minutes from the

porn capital of the world.

Well, then what do we do?

I don't know. I mean, it's probably

just a few guys with computers.

We'll beg 'em or bribe

'em or something.

That's a great idea.

What do we do with the kids?

We can't call my mom again.

Up here, make a right.

I think this is it.

Hello? Open up!

Hello! Is anyone there?

This is the last time I'm

gonna ask. Is anyone home?

Hey! Hey, bud!

Hey! How's it goin', man?

We're just having a little adventure.

What's the adventure?

It's kind of, like, what?

Like, a scavenger hunt.

You know what it is? It's a game.

And it is called,

- Breaking and Entering.

- What?

Okay, great.

- Hello?

- Hello?

What are we looking for?

That's a good question.

Yeah, we're not exactly sure.

"Central Data Core."

- This is it.

- Let's do it.

I think I might've underestimated

the size of YouPorn.

Yeah, it's a bit bigger

than you would think.

Jay! My God, what have we done?

We're gonna go to jail, Jay!

- We should get outta here.

- Yeah. We should go!

May I help you?

Okay. You guys stay here. Okay?

Okay.

May I ask what the

f*** is goin' on here?

May I ask if you're the

proprietor of this institution?

"Institution?"

Yeah. I'm that motherf***er.

And you've just made

a very serious mistake.

Where are you from? You from Hustler?

No.

Which crew you runnin' with? Xtube?

Is that it? No? RedTube?

- Bang bros?

- No.

- BangBus?

- No.

BigBoobAlert?

- You with BigBoobAlert?

- Nope.

Where you from, then?

You tell me right now.

Wait, no, don't tell me.

- MassageCreep?

- No.

- We're not from MassageCreep.

- No, no.

KungPaoPussy?

- No.

- No.

- You from BeaverBong?

- Tugjobs?

- TrannySurprise?

- Nutflix?

- No, ma'am.

- RealityKings?

- NaughtyAmerica?

- Euro-Angels? AsianAngels?

SeducedByACougar? FuckStarTV?

- Those c*nts?

- Not us.

- SubmitYourBitch?

- No, sir.

- Wankspider?

- No.

MonkeyCum?

- Honey, what's that one that Larry runs?

- AThousandCumShots?

- MonstersOfCock?

- No.

You with LadyBonersHD?

ButtholeSandwich.com?

Sir, we are in no way affiliated

with ButtholeSandwich.

You one of them a**holes

from BigTittyCreamPie.com?

- No.

- No.

Not Playboy.

Did Hugh send you?

Listen, sir. If you could just

give me one minute to explain.

- I know...

- See, this is the thing.

You've put me in a position

where my only options are to beat

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