Sex Tape Page #9

your ass, or call the goddamn cops.

Okay, sir, I see where

you're coming from...

Actually, I think we should beat

their ass and call the goddamn cops.

I was thinkin' the same sh*t.

Look, if you want

to kick my ass, fine.

And if you want to call

the cops, so be it.

But there is a reason that we

did this, and it's because

sometimes people do some really

crazy sh*t to protect their families.

And that's what happened.

We did some crazy sh*t.

We're really sorry.

- We're really sorry.

- We're honestly...

- It was for our family.

- You motherfuckers.

You made a sex tape and now

you're tryin' to get it off my server.

Daddy, can I pet the doggies?

No, we can't pet these doggies.

What are your freakin' names?

- I'm Jay.

- Annie.

- Annie and Jay?

- Yes, ma'am.

You the Annie that writes

"Who's Yo Mommy?"

Yeah.

- I love your blog.

- You do?

- I read it all the time.

- That's so great.

I mean, the way you write

about motherhood and parenting.

Your marriage.

Thank you. How old are yours?

One's 18 months and one's 52 months.

Baby, it's Annie and Jay.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid Annie and

Jay are in deep motherfuckin' sh*t.

Baby.

All you had to do was email me

and I would've taken it down.

Do you have any idea how many people

are makin' sex tapes out there?

We get about 1,000

new ones every day.

I don't need to be

puttin' up sex tapes

from people who don't want

their sex tapes up there.

There's no shortage of sex tapes.

Okay? You didn't have to

break my f***in' door!

We're just incredibly sorry, sir,

and we will pay for all the damages.

Yes, you will. Today.

And you will be incredibly grateful

that I feel sorry for your asses

and that my wife likes your blog.

No, we are very, very grateful.

Super grateful. Thank you.

It is great of you.

Internet porn gets a bad rap in

some circles, but it's not deserved.

I'm always tellin' people this.

YouPorn is a community.

A safe, supportive place

where people can go

to display videos of themselves

ass-f***ing each other.

That's really nice.

It's wonderful.

I think so.

But let me ask you something.

Why'd you make the video in the first

place if you didn't want anyone to see it?

I mean, I know why you did it.

But what about you?

It was my idea, actually.

I just guess it was something different,

you know. Something new.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Something new."

Let me tell you somethin'.

I've see a lot of f***in' sex tapes.

It's not something people do

when everything's goin' great.

It's what you do when you've lost track

of why you're f***in' in the first place.

It's a quick fix.

But it doesn't solve anything.

And a lot of times it just

hides bigger problems.

Look at Paris Hilton

and Ricky Salomon.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels.

Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder.

Janine Lindemulder and me.

All of these relationships

had bigger problems.

They all forgot why they

were f***in' in the first place.

Anyway, that'll be roughly $15,000.

How would you like to pay?

I think that went pretty well.

I know. He was so nice.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

We have to be at school

for graduation at 9:00.

We have to get ready, you guys.

I gotta gel my hair.

Come on! Come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go! We got this!

Okay, babes.

Eat up, eat up, eat up.

Through the thing and magically, bam!

Let's see it.

Pretty good.

Hairbrush!

Okay, let's go.

But I gotta get this on.

Put it on in the car. Go, go!

I gotta go backstage.

Go. Go graduate, pal.

- We love ya.

- Bye.

- Mommy, I'm gonna go find my class, okay?

- Okay, honey.

- All right. We'll catch ya after. See ya.

- Bye!

- Hey, there we go.

- Okay. Great. Perfect.

Sorry.

- We made it.

- Yeah.

We got 'em all back.

I mean, we may have to

steal Howard's computer later.

But how hard can that be?

Hi.

I don't think I'm ever gonna be able

to look at Robby the same way again.

I'm pretty sure the feeling

is mutual, if that helps at all.

I love you.

I love you, too.

No. I mean it.

Like, not in the way that we

say it to each other all the time.

I mean, I really love you.

And I'm also really sorry about the

video, if I hadn't said that already.

Thank you.

You hadn't.

In a way, though, I'm also

really glad that it happened.

'Cause I was thinkin' about

what you said at Hank's.

You said that a thing like this,

like "the video incident,"

reveals a lot about a person.

And you're right.

And you know what it

revealed about you?

You are generous.

You're kind.

You're imaginative. You always

remember what's important.

You're ready for anything.

You're a bit of a lightweight

when it comes to cocaine.

But I think that is a great quality.

I just think that

you're really amazing.

That's why I'm f***in'

you in the first place.

You know what this

revealed about you?

It revealed that you

would do anything

to get those iPads back for me.

And there is no one I

would rather be with

when the sh*t hits the fan.

God, I lucked out.

I lucked out.

- I f***ing love you.

- I f***ing love you.

Excuse me. Public place.

- Hi, Mom.

- Excuse me. Hi.

Good morning, everyone.

Let's all settle in and find a seat.

My name is Principal Rodriguez and

I would like to welcome everyone

to our fourth-grade

graduation ceremony.

First up, I'd like to introduce

our video yearbook maestro,

- Clive Hargrove.

- Yeah!

This is a video I made showing

the amazing year we had.

Taking pictures and videos

is really important

because it reminds us

what's really important

and all the amazing times we had.

So now I present to you our

fourth-grade video yearbook.

You erased the video off

of our computer, right?

Right, Jay?

Is it Video 1 or Movie 1?

Video 1, I think.

- I love you. Call 911.

- Okay.

- It's Video 1.

- No, wait, it's Movie 1.

No! It's not Movie 1.

- Wait, is it the most recent one?

- Yeah, the most recent one.

- What's Frankensync?

- Hurry, honey, hurry.

It's okay. It was the right

thing to do. He's fine.

Sh*t. Are you okay?

I'm not okay, man.

Okay. Why doesn't Tess

bring you to the hospital

and I'll just make sure

your computer's okay.

- Dude!

- That's insane.

You take him to the hospital.

I will make sure the computer's okay.

- No, wait, I feel like I'm being...

- Careful, careful, careful.

Hey, guys.

Let's just take a minute and acknowledge

that we have a lot to celebrate.

Your mom gettin' an

offer on her blog.

- I'll get it.

- So why did you jump off the balcony?

I told you, sweetie. I tripped.

That's why it's very important

to always use the railings,

and to label your videos properly.

Can I go get some ice cream

with Howard and Marta?

- No.

- Why not?

Because it's family night.

And after this I think we

should all go get some donuts.

And maybe laser tag.

- Awesome.

- Are you sure?

- You can barely move over there.

- She's right.

I'm sure.

- Howard.

- Jay.

We told you, Clive is busy tonight.

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