Sexy Evil Genius Page #3

She liked Tito, the Cubans,

bands that came out of Harlem in the '40s.

But this...

- Marvin, you got played.

- Like a ping pong ball.

Yo, look, Nikki loves jazz, man.

I'm telling you people facts.

You just don't know her like I do.

Nikki used to say that jazz

was fun, camp, kitsch.

Kitsch? Hell no. She didn't say that.

- She never said that.

- Yeah, she did.

You're telling me my whole relationship...

Predicated on a lie.

Just like her f***ing

tale about the stalker.

Okay, you know what?

Musical taste, one thing.

But the whole stalker thing

I got you both on that one.

You know what? I can prove it.

She showed me his mug shot

on the national stalker registry

right next to her official

police restraining order.

His name is Mark something.

- You know, I bet you it's still posted.

- Drinks?

- Yes.

- Sure.

- Yeah, all around.

- It's almost 9:
00.

I'm on my third martini with no dinner.

- Amateur.

- And you're what, a pro?

I'm an all-star, junior.

Got him. Creepy dude.

His name is Mark Von Dutch.

Nikki told me if I ever

saw this cat to call the cops, emergency.

He looks like a movie star, but demented.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

That's the guy she killed.

What? Wait, how do you know that?

She sent me a photo of them

together after we broke up.

Her new handsome love.

She was probably f***in' trying

to make me jealous.

Anyone else here a little

freaked out right now?

I'm intrigued.

Okay, you knew about

this whole homicide thing beforehand.

She even sent you a damn photo.

And you showed up anyway

because you're intrigued?

Lam.

To see your friend who kills dudes.

What kind of ghoul does that make you?

A sexy one.

- Nikki.

- Drinks, anyone?

I mugged the waitress on the way over.

- You look awesome.

- Thanks, stud.

Let's see.

Rotgut, rocks.

Must be Marvin "Jazz Man" Coolidge.

You got that right, bongo girl.

Absinthe,

for the sexy ghoul.

Thank you.

And a martini with a

billion zillion olives,

that has got to be you, Zachary Newman.

I skipped dinner.

- And that leaves Sprite for me.

- Sprite?

What about your signature vodka gimlet?

Not tonight. I wanna keep my wits about me

in case something horrifying

and crazy happens.

Like what?

I'm surprised you haven't

figured it out yet, Miranda.

You could always see through me

with those gorgeous X-ray eyes.

- It's a compliment.

- How about just an answer?

Come on, where's the fun in that?

I've gathered you all here for a reason,

which will become obvious in a moment.

There's no use rushing me.

Did you tell Marvin that I'm uptight?

Yes, I did, because you are.

But it works for you, Zach.

It's part of your extreme cute lovability.

Am I right?

I've already told him he's cute.

Miranda likes nerds. She's into geek chic.

I'm not a nerd or a geek or whatever.

Zach, man, chill. Just own it.

Who's the beer and the sidecar for?

- Bert.

- Bert?

- He's parking.

- Who's Bert?

My lawyer,

lover...

And next victim.

Gotcha.

I knew you guys would get hung up on that.

Drumroll, please.

Nobody?

Okay.

He's my fianc.

- You're getting married?

- To your criminal lawyer?

Honey, I only have one lawyer.

Isn't that a conflict of interest

or a major ethical breach?

My life was in his hands.

He saved it.

There's no feeling more intense.

We're mad for each other.

He's my everything.

Woe be he or she

who falls in love with Nikki Franklyn.

I'll drink to that.

It is so amazing

to see you guys.

I've missed you.

So this whole night is about bringing

your present lover to your past.

Bert's curious about you guys.

I think he thinks

you're all just figments of my imagination.

Nikki, there's this homicide rumor thing

that we've been hearing about.

What's funny? That's serious.

Zach is so squeamish

bringing up the subject.

I'm sorry.

I want to talk about it, clear the air.

Okay, is that him, the stalker?

Yeah, that's him.

That's Mark.

Nikki, why were you with this guy?

I was insane.

Is that true?

I was certified.

If either of you lame-brains

bothered to Google me,

- you would've read all about it.

- Nik!

Nik? He calls you Nik?

In high school, she keyed

our teacher's car for calling her Nik.

She poured a pot of burning hot coffee

in a guy's face in rehab

for calling her Nik.

The last fool I heard

call you Nik got a broken nose.

People change.

There you are.

So these are your friends.

Bert, Zach, Marvin and Miranda.

A pleasure to meet you.

Nik just kept insisting

that we all get together.

I'm sure.

Yeah. Hi.

A sidecar.

Good girl.

A toast to old friends and new,

and to the most

beautiful woman I've ever known.

Bottoms up.

Let me guess.

Let me guess.

I bet you you're the guy

that puked on her prom shoes.

I love you so much.

That would be me.

Or "uptight guy" works, too, I guess.

And you're the jazz guy

who wears the kitschy clothes.

I'm not kitschy or kitsch anything.

I'm vintage, Bert.

It was a compliment.

And you...

You're the attorney who fucks his

desperate, insane, criminal clients.

Guilty as charged.

You're right, baby, she does have fangs.

You can't always control

who you fall in love with, Miranda.

Mature people do.

She had plenty of control, believe me.

I'm the one who lost it.

In 20 years of practice,

Nik is the only client

who ever stole my heart.

Nikki doesn't steal hearts, she eats them.

How do we even know

you're not another actor,

you know, part of Nikki's

next elaborate scheme?

- It's a good question.

- Yeah.

It's true, I am a notorious,

habitual, elaborate schemer.

- Who else would I be?

- Anybody.

We don't know Nikki's real reason

for bringing us all here tonight.

I doubt it's just to

make your acquaintance.

Maybe you're just here

to back up her next tall tale.

Yeah. How do we know that you're you?

Jesus, what the hell have you done

to these people?

Magic.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

Here's my driver's license,

my California bar card

and my black belt certification in karate.

Don't you mess with me.

I guess you're legit.

Or at least have high-quality

forged identification.

You're screwing your lawyer.

You make it sound so glamorous.

What happened?

I mean, not with you and Bert,

but with the murder.

Yeah, and the insanity thing.

- You should know, Marvin.

- I should know?

I told you that my stalker

showed up at our last gig.

- Where?

- He's right there.

I... -

You thought you saw that dude

dozens of times.

I never did.

It's a common symptom

of her psychosis. Paranoia.

Okay, so how do you know

the last time was real,

not just paranoia barking?

Because he wouldn't go away.

He kept showing up at

the local coffee shop,

our rehearsal space,

when I was out for a run.

I couldn't shake him.

He wouldn't even say anything.

He just stood there, staring at me,

waiting for me to break the ice.

And you did?

Why didn't you just call the cops?

Because I was feeling lonely.

- Lonely?

- I've heard that before.

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