Sgt. Bilko Page #2

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Cruisin' and playin' the radio

With no particular place to go

Ridin' along in my automobile

I was anxious to tell her the way I feel

So I told her softly and sincere

And she leaned and whispered in my ear

Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow

With no particular place to go

- Sarge, where can we hide the horse?|- What horse?

All right, men! Faster.|The army needs these vehicles.

Bilko?

Sergeant.

Sergeant Bilko!

Fall in, men, now! And get|into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!

Hut! Hey!

Very good. As you were.

He means go back to|what you were doing.

Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir.|Have you lost weight?

Why, a couple of pounds maybe.

Nell and I have been|"sweating to the oldies".

- Ah.|- Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.

Ah, well, I'm afraid|we're still working on it, sir.

- You've had it a week and a half.|- I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.

There. Thank God I have a witness.|Thank you, Captain Moon.

And the colonel thinks|I never test-drive the vehicles.

What is that?

That's horse sh*t, sir. I tell the men|"You have to test-drive... "

- What's it doing there?|- It keeps the flies off the food.

There's no way you can tell|what's wrong with an engine...

- Off the food?|- It's an experiment.

I'd say the results are mixed.

It's a lot cheaper than|sending out for it, sir.

And fresher too.

Bilko, are you mental?|This is not the horse cavalry.

- You can't bring livestock onto the post.|- You're right, sir.

You heard the colonel. Assemble horse|platoon and get the horse out of here!

- All right, double-time, soldier.|- Sergeant, please, tell me about my car.

- Do you know anything about cars, sir?|- No.

Ah. Well, you see that|sort of pointy thing right there?

It seems that it's impinging on the|browned, round thing with the spots.

- You see, when Henry Ford first...|- Colonel Hall.

- Corporal, what is it?|- Permission to speak privately?

- Of course. Excuse me, Bilko.|- Absolutely.

- What is it, Corporal?|- The Pentagon called.

The Pentagon?|How did they get my number?

They're sending a team|to observe tomorrow's hovertank test.

- Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah.|- What is it, sir?

Well, they're closing|a lot of military facilities lately.

What if they're planning|to close Fort Baxter?

- Do you know anything about this?|- You flatter me.

- How could I, a mere master sergeant...?|- You know everything before I do.

I'm sure it's just routine, sir.|Anyway, come back any time. Call first.

I tell you, men, serving under|a great leader like Colonel Hall...

- He's gone.|- I'm hungry. What time is it?

12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese.

- Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it.|- Relax. It's just army stuff.

It's got nothing to do with us.

- Did you say 12 o'clock?|- Yeah.

- Today's Saturday?|- All day.

Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling|I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Hmm.

I'll kill him.

- Poker game?|- No, no.

- Racetrack.|- No, no. It was something else.

My, that's a lovely dress.

- Thank you, Reverend.|- Is it new?

No, I wore it the last time|the lying sh*t-heel stood me up.

Ah.

Give me the ring.|You were the best man last time.

- He didn't get married last time!|- It's my turn!

- How you gonna be best man?|- Just give me the ring!

- But you can't hate him, you know?|- I can hate him. I hate him right now.

Sweetheart...

Where are you going? Nobody leave.

You came to see me get married. You're|going to - I don't particularly care who to.

Sweetheart! I know you're upset...

Daddy, stay out of this.|I know what I'm doing.

- Nelson.|- Huh?

Are you busy? Will you|marry me? I love you.

I just never realised it until now.

Well, the thing is, Rita,|I'm engaged... to your sister.

And?

Don't ask. Don't even ask.

OK, ask.

Bunny face,|you won't believe what happened.

There was this busload of sweet geriatrics.|They went rolling down a mountain side...

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow,|never told a lie in his life. Wally?

See?

Sweetheart, sweetheart...

Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting!

- You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout.|- It was full an hour ago.

Oh, sweetie, I... I'm well!

Sweetie, what can I do|to make it up to you?

Whaddaya want? Just tell me.|I'll do anything.

I've been waiting for seven years.

What do I want? I want my seven years|back. I can't live like this, Ernie.

I've got a maid of honour|on call 24 hours a day.

And I'm the only woman with a wedding|dress that's falling apart from wear.

- I'm sorry.|- I think you love me, Ernie.

But you're so slippery, it's impossible|to know what you're thinking.

Well, thank you.

I don't understand|what you're so afraid of.

You know what I wanna do|right here, right now?

No. Don't.

No. No, not this time.

- Don't, please.|- One game, to 500.

Don't. Please don't.

Spade. It's a double.

Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point.

- A four?|- Yes.

Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go.

What's up?

Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally|while you and Rita were in the church.

She's a nice girl.|We don't like the way you treat her.

He's right, Sarge.|You treat her like a rube.

- Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?|- You jilted that girl.

She'll probably have to|move to another town.

Will you relax? Rita and I|have a special relationship.

You think she expected me|to marry her today? Of course not.

She expected me to do|just what I did. It's a game.

Someday you might lose that game, Ernie.

Very good, men. Make sure it's tight.

- Tight?|- Whatever.

So, Major Ebersole,|tomorrow's the big day.

- How's she look?|- I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir.

What's supposed to happen?

Well, theoretically,|and I wouldn't bet the farm...

...the hovertank will lift off and hover|several inches above the pond.

- Good. Very good.|- Yeah. Then it will engage the targets...

...the... the cannon. Boom.|The ammunition dump. Kaboom.

That truck. Boom.

Excellent. One thought.|Maybe it should be: boom, boom...

...then kaboom.

You know, save that "kaboom" for the very|last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale.

What do you think?

- I'll make a note of it, sir.|- Good.

- Missed me. Now run!|- Ow!

- Yeah. Gotcha.|- Hey, there goes the sarge, man.

Sarge!

- Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go.|- Sarge, you get married yet?

- Not yet.|- How did Rita take it this time?

Oh, she's happy. She took|40 bucks off me in a gin game.

Oh, she's great!

Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the|"Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?

- It's a sellout, Sarge.|- Find a lookalike?

- We found one.|- Ahh.

No wonder they call me|a master sergeant.

You know, things weren't|always this good.

When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix,|I considered it my responsibility...

...to provide the hardworking men and|women with some wholesome recreation.

- You ran the gambling.|- That's right, Fender.

But there was this lieutenant there -|Lieutenant Colin Thorn.

A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on|the outside, but underneath, barbed wire.

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