Sgt. Bilko Page #3

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He rode me like a jockey.

Pools, raffles, card games -|I couldn't do anything.

It was like being in the army.

All right, come on, baby. Let's go!

Hi.

Finally, I got a break. They held|the division boxing finals at our post.

You couldn't stop people|from betting on it.

It was a toss-up.|Now, to me, that's just sloppy.

I like a sporting event in which I know the|outcome beforehand. It's more organised.

I get to one of the pugilists|and we reach a business accommodation.

For a 50-50 split of our winnings...

...he agrees to give less than|a supreme effort in the squared circle.

- You paid him to take a dive.|- Of course.

I had this corporal|working for me - Leo Cletz.

The night of the fight, I give him|the money to pay off my fighter.

Leo misunderstands and gives|the money to the other fighter.

This fighter's surprised, but figures "What|the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. "

Meanwhile, my guy figures|"Bilko meant I'll get the money later. "

- "No problem. I'll go down anyway. "|- So both think they're takin' a dive?

- Exactly.|- What happened?

Boxing history.

For three rounds, nobody hit anybody.|It was a dance recital.

Finally, I think out of boredom,|one of the guys connected with a right.

What the hell's goin' on here?

Lieutenant Thorn took it|as a personal insult.

- You OK? Did it hurt?|- Very cute.

It looked like Thorn|was paying off the fighter.

He was cooked.

They didn't have enough evidence for|a court martial, but sent him to Greenland.

Game, set and match - Bilko.

- Some story, huh?|- Permission to speak freely?

- Again, permission. OK.|- You dealt with him very dishonestly.

Never mind that.|What happened to him? Thorn.

I don't know. I don't know|what happened to him.

Colonel John Hall, garrison commander.|Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major.

Doberman! Wake up!

Come on, everyone!|Up and at 'em!

Come on, guys, let's not miss|one minute of this beautiful day.

Hey!

- Get outta here!|- I'll get the sarge!

That's it. Now you guys|gonna be in trouble.

- Hey, Sarge! Get up.|- What's the matter?

Everybody take cover! Gather all the men!|Man the battle stations and...

What's that music?

I understand, Major, this weapon system|is in the experimental stage.

But I think you'll be very impressed|with the... noise it produces.

It's a powerful piece of equipment.

Colonel, I really urge you|not to go ahead with this.

Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn.

Major Ebersole is the brain|behind the hovertank.

He's the one really responsible.

- Thank you, sir.|- Can we get on with this?

Of course. You good to go?

All right. Let's light this candle.

Hoo-ah!

You know, with all the base closings and|downsizing, people here have been jumpy.

Ready, Colonel.

This is exciting.

OK, start her up.

It still needs work.

Fire.

Of course.

Get out! Watch out!

Let's go, campers! It's 10am.|Time to start the day.

- Mornin', Sarge.|- It's that time of the decade.

- You're taking a shower.|- Do I have to?

Everyone feels pretty strongly about it.|Here's the petition.

Aw, Sarge.

Why are you sitting there?|You were full of energy at 6am.

I don't think the guys like me.

- Oh? What makes you say that?|- They wrote me a note.

"Wally, we don't like you. "|And they all signed it.

- Yeah, that's Doberman's "X".|- Can I please have another roommate?

- Why, what's the matter?|- He wet his bed.

- Oh, well, once in a while.|- No. He did it from across the room.

Major, please! At least|won't you stay for lunch?

- Do you like chicken casserole?|- No.

Well, Major, let me be frank.

A negative report from you would be|the death knell for Fort Baxter.

- We've been in a slump...|- Nine years without a successful test?

That's not a slump, that's a tradition.

But, Major, think for a minute|about the men, their careers.

- My career.|- Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt.

This isn't the career|I had in mind when I got out of OCS.

Shining a seat with my ass in DC,|visiting dumpy posts.

I thought I'd be a colonel by now|or maybe a general.

Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud|that cost $70 million. Good morning.

Wait! There's a lot more to|Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major.

- We have an award-winning commissary.|- Try the casserole.

And our softball team won|the division title.

And Sergeant Bilko's platoon|is in the glee club finals.

I'll certainly keep that in mind.

Did you say Bilko?

Yeah.

Is that Ernie Bilko?

One and the same.

Maybe I will stay for lunch.

Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that|chicken casserole, Captain Moon!

Yes, sir!

Now, where did that one go?

- Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!|- Well, fix it.

- Sarge, they let you do this?|- I never asked. They'd say no.

It is an army post.

All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot.

- $20 says I can hit the parking lot.|- I don't gamble.

- What is it you do do?|- Permission to speak...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

I get up every morning and I get dressed|to protect the American way of life.

Would you tell me that later tonight|so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?

Bilko!

It can't be.

Lieutenant Thorn.

- Actually, it's Major Thorn now.|- Well, congratulations.

I didn't know you were still in the service.|I'd have looked you up long ago.

I'll bet.

Tell me, Colonel, is he still|the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?

- That's one way of putting it.|- You changed my life.

Remember that little boxing match?

Boxing match... Hmm.

That made me a new man. You remember|how stiff and uptight I used to be?

Thanks to him, I realised|you can't treat people that way.

I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie.

Sure.

- What was that?|- Greyhounds, sir.

- How long will you be with us, Major?|- Not long.

Colonel, what do you say|we have that casserole?

Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well.

Ha.

Let's get back to the barracks and cancel|everything-dances, raffles, everything.

God, I forgot it's the play-offs!

Sarge! Here's the money|from the blade rentals.

Stop, stop! Put that away!|Stop, everyone! Stop!

Ridin' along in my automobile

My baby beside me at the wheel

I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile

It's Hall with Major Thorn.|Looks like a surprise inspection.

An inspection? Now? Look at this place!

- ETA, 90 seconds.|- Think. Think.

I've got to think. Where's Alpha company?

Field exercises.

So we parked way out on the Kokomo

The night was young|and the moon was gold

So we both decided to take a stroll

Can you imagine the way I felt?

I couldn't unfasten her safety belt

Cruisin' and playin' the radio

With no particular place to go

Um, which way are we...

...facing here?

Uh, well... it would|have to be this one here.

Over hill, over dale|we have hit the dusty trail

As those caissons go rolling along

And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery

Bilko.

Ten-hut, platoon!

- Major Thorn wants to see the barracks.|- An inspection?

I wish we had a little more time.|We're not prepared.

It just gives me a thrill to see what a|first-rate top kick can do with a platoon.

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