Sgt. Bilko Page #4

---

- Why don't they stand by their rooms?|- Certainly. Sergeant?

Really, sir, if the glee club misses|practice, I won't be responsible...

- I said now!|- Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

- Is this your room, soldier?|- Yes, sir.

Follow me.

Who's this?

It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:|The African-American Hour.

Oh? I've never heard of it.

It's on cable. See, it's funny,|but it also makes you think.

Ah. Hm.

Are these yours?

It is my understanding that you can|no longer ask me these questions, sir.

It's a new army, Major.

We're all adjusting.

- Whose bunk is this?|- Uh, mine, sir.

- That corner is not squared off!|- What? I told you to make this bunk!

Now, I don't want any of your excuses!|Now, drop and give me 20! Ha!

All right. One. We're going for one.

Colonel, you're a very courageous man.

Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor...

Courageous? What do you mean?

Thumbing your nose at army regulations.|But I guess your men come first.

- And 20.|- My men? First?

- What does he mean, Bilko?|- This soldier, sir.

I'd say he's about 50 pounds|over his maximum allowable weight.

What are the chances of that being|discovered and your being blamed?

Blamed?

Sergeant, I want him|at regulation weight in six weeks.

Yes, sir!

Adelaide, of course|we'll get married, sooner or later.

Nathan Detroit, after 14 years,|it is already too late to be sooner.

I'm from Rhode Island, where people|do not remain engaged for 14 years.

- They get married.|- Then why is it such a small state?

Miss Robbins. I don't get it.

Why would Adelaide stick around if he,|like, disses her all the time?

Doesn't she have any self-esteem?

Well, that's a very interesting question.

- Certainly is.|- Ernie! What are you doing here?

- Did you get the flowers I sent ya?|- No.

Darn. I'll call FedEx|and have 'em put a trace on it.

That's right, sweetheart.|Nathan's a hustler.

He's irresponsible,|and he's careless with the truth.

But the one thing he never lies about|is how much he cares for Adelaide.

See, that's his core, and she knows it.

OK, let's take a break for ten minutes.|And that was really good.

Wonderful.

Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think|we should see each other any more.

Sweetheart, you promised to go|to the Rusty Spur with me.

- You never give up, do you?|- Come on. Come on, sweetheart...

...go to the Rusty Spur with me.|It'd be like old times.

All right, but you've got 30 days.|If this finger is still naked in 30 days...

...it's adios, Pepe.

I mean it this time.|This is your last chance.

Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is...

Lieutenant Monday. We're here|from the Inspector General's Office, sir.

I asked for the best number crunchers|in the army! I hope that's what they sent!

- If there's been any malfeasance...|- Or embezzlement...

We will find it.

This guy we're going after's|been feeding off the khaki tit for years.

He's a master sergeant.|His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him!

- Forget it, Bilko.|- But, sir, the moment my boys heard...

...about the desert manoeuvre,|they volunteered.

We still haven't got over|being left out of Desert Storm.

How the orders got crisscrossed,|I'll never know.

But if we could go on these manoeuvres,|it would make up, in some small way...

You must think I'm a nincompoop.

A nincompoop? An NCP?|On the contrary, sir.

- I think you're one of the finest...|- Las Vegas.

- What, sir?|- The desert manoeuvre will take place...

...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun?

- Lake Mead, Hoover Dam.|- Forget it. You've got bigger problems.

Two hatchet men -|excuse me, hatchet persons -

...from the Inspector General's Office|came to audit the motor pool accounts.

- I wonder who tipped them off?|- Yes, I wonder.

Fort Baxter. How may I|direct your call? Motor pool?

Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole|post is skating on thin ice with hot blades.

Don't let them find anything.

- Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?|- A cover-up?

Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up?

No... sir.

Good. Then I'm not suggesting one.

Just do... whatever it is you do|to make these things go away.

I can't help myself

Bad habits

I'm runnin' wild

Lost control

Well, I must confess

Cos I can't repress

In the last two months you|billed the army for 72 windshields?

That was a mistake.|One of my men, Private Buttersworth...

...had a hairline crack in his glasses.

- A crack?|- Yes, a hairline crack.

So to him, it looked like|all the windshields were broken.

I transferred him right out.|That's the way I am.

She's crazy about you. Every time|you're not looking, she stares.

You just missed it.

Sergeant, in the past two days we've|found a number of possible irregularities.

- Now, if you can't produce receipts...|- She's staring at you again.

Oh, just missed it!

There.

...that a boy like me

Has got so many bad habits

I said, all of these bad habits

All of these bad habits

Nothing? You found nothing?

All my training tells me|he's hiding something.

Every time we're about to|find something...

- It dissolves.|- It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.

- No. It's like watching a magician.|- He's got you watching his left hand...

And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!

Well, then, let's tie his hands.

Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?

That's up to you. Last time,|I accidentally stepped on your knee.

- What if they play our song?|- We have a song?

Don't you remember the first time we...?

Only you

How could I forget our song?|When they play it tonight...

...you and I will dance the most romantic|dance we've ever danced in our entire life.

- You promise?|- That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko.

Put some drive in your country

Keep country drivin' on

When the music gets you movin'

You know it can't be long

Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just|you and me. All night long. No soldiers.

- What do you wanna do?|- Let's shoot some pool.

- Oh, yeah.|- Hey, Sarge. You're late!

- We want to celebrate the audit with ya.|- Those bean counters didn't have a clue.

I know, I know. Sometimes|I'm so damn good I scare myself.

Just us, huh?

If you see her out tonight

And she tells you|that it's just the lights

That bring her here

And not her loneliness

That's what she says...

- I'll go get us a couple of drinks.|- OK.

...every word she says

A scorpion and a brandy alexander.

That's what she says...

The future|Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"?

Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her.|I never even... I don't know her.

Thank you very much, everybody.|we'll be back in just a couple of minutes.

- I'll introduce ya.|- You know her?

- No.|- She's with someone.

A detail.

- Ah, you must be in Bravo company.|- No, Charlie company.

- Charlie Company! Haven't you heard?|- What?

You're shipping out -|Operation Vacuum Cleaner.

- Operation...|- Shh!

I want his name. I want it known|that in this moment of crisis...

...this man chose to sit here|and eat bar nuts.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes