Sgt. Bilko Page #5

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- I didn't know!|- Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut!

All right. Now I'll settle this.

- Hmm.|- Excuse me?

You were right. Those are|the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

- Did he say that?|- Oh, yeah.

He said your eyes were like diamonds|sparkling on a summer night.

The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what|he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you.

I think the least you can do is sit down|and buy this young lady some dinner.

Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey!

Ah, to be young again.

- That's my sergeant.|- Oh.

Oh! Major Ebersole, boys.|Welcome to the Spur.

Oh, I've been here before.|Uh... five years ago.

I had... a scotch and soda.

Good. A place like this|depends on repeat business.

They're repainting our club, so we had to|move our weekly poker game down here.

Poker. I've heard wonderful things|about that game. Can I watch?

- You don't play poker?|- I'm pretty busy at the motor pool...

...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe|I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem.

I don't have any change.

We can make change. It's OK.

Oh, goody. I get to play cards.

...long way home just to think of an alibi

Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things

That hadn't already...

- Get you somethin'?|- Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman.

That's Bilko's girl.

Now she looks even better.

I'm dealing you five cards.

- Five cards. Let me write this down.|- Yeah, OK.

Now, the worst hand that you can have...

...is if you only have one high card|and nothing else that matches.

- But then comes a pair.|- A pair. How exciting. A pair.

Only you

Can make this world seem right

Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie?

- No, I haven't.|- Will you hold this a second?

- Sure.|- Thanks.

Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie?

- No.|- No.

Ernie?

Ernie!

I have three jacks and two sixes.|What's that called again?

- A full house.|- What a cute name. A full house.

- Is that good?|- Yes, that means you win.

- Again.|- Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing.

What is that? Five in a row?

What a lovely watch.|Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle.

Oops. Clumsy me.

- OK. Cut? Thank you.|- Hey!

Sorry. All right. OK.

You are my destiny

Oh. You hear that song?|It means I gotta go.

Gee, I feel bad.|Can't I give some of this back?

No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?

All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs...

...and the pink slip, and you can cash me|out and I'll see you back at the base.

- Ernie!|- Good evening, sir.

Excuse us, Major.

Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's|decided to climb all over your sorry butt.

I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie.

Get back to the post. I'd like to see your|men on the parade ground at 0500 hours.

- Yes, sir. Weather permitting.|- What permitting?

Who said that?

It's payback time, Bilko.

If it's all the same to you,|I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving.

It's not all the same to me, Bilko.|Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut!

You are my destiny

This solves nothing.

This solves everything.

You haven't seen someone called|Ernie Bilko, have you?

Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago.

- Are you sure?|- Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry.

You see, I happen to know|Major Ebersole offered him a poker game.

You're my dream come true

My one and only you

I can drop you off|on my way back to the post.

- This is very nice of you.|- Not at all.

May I ask you...

...could I call on you sometime?|- Oh, well, you see, I'm...

I just broke up with someone.

- He must be devastated.|- Oh... he doesn't know yet.

Fall in! Arrgh! And gather!|Gather in... in a square! All right.

Good!

All right, you've seen real soldiers before.|Just... do what they do.

All right, let's do the|"grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!

Arrgh!

All right! Now, let's do the,|you know, the shoulder thing!

Arrgh! The shoulder thing!|Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes.

All right. And now the... the|"showing the rifle for the inspection" bit.

Go! Arrgh! Arrgh!

Well, my feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

Go, go, go, go!

Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy.

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

Said feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

No. Nope.

I'm just so damn proud.

My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now

I can barely move my legs

I can barely move my legs

Do me a favour and kill me now

Do me a favour and kill me now

Something, something rhymes with legs

Something, something rhymes with legs

My life is over anyhow

- Sarge!|- Sarge! He's killing us!

- I can't do this.|- What's the matter with you people?

Generation X!

- He's killin' us!|- You've all gone soft!

- Get serious, Sarge!|- I am serious.

I've been thinking about this.|You're Bilko's platoon!

Whatever they dish out, we can take.

I want to see you two in my quarters.

- Oh!|- Sarge.

I'm paralysed.|I have no feeling from the hair down.

Make the bad man stop.

- Who are you calling?|- Rita. Her voice will make me feel better.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

If any of this is frightening,|just hold onto me.

They're dancing Raisinets.

And you don't find that frightening?

Let's work

Be proud

Stand tall

- Sarge? Sarge.|- What's the matter?

I put on three pounds.

Funny, it doesn't show.|Luis! This calls for plan A.

That won't work. He's on his way over.|He says if I can't do ten push-ups...

...he's gonna move me out.

All right! Plan B.

Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!|Have you lost w...

Good work, Doberman!

So, John, if you spoke to the officers|and their wives, it would mean a lot.

They keep hearing rumours|that Fort Baxter will be shut down.

Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank|disaster, I don't know what might happen.

Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad.

Well, you will think of something.|I have complete faith in you.

Thank you.

- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company.|- Quite all right, Bilko.

Colonel, you didn't tell me|there was a movie star here.

Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited.

- Bilko.|- We've seen all your movies.

- They're a little racy for me.|- Sergeant Bilko...

You know this is Mrs Hall.

Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were|dazzled by an older man, is that it?

- Bilko!|- Yes, my colonel?

John, I will see you later.

Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall.

- What is it, Sergeant?|- Sir, if I could ask you again.

- These desert manoeuvres...|- You can go.

If you'd seen the look on the men's faces|when I said we wouldn't...

- I said I've changed my mind.|- Zimmerman...

...I had to cradle him in my... We can go?

- Have a safe trip, Sergeant.|- Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir.

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