Shakes The Clown
- R
- Year:
- 1991
- 87 min
- 436 Views
Mom, who's the naked clown
in our bathroom?
What?
What is it, honey?
- What the hell you doing, kid?
- I had to go to the bathroom.
On my head?
Hey, buddy, this is my bathroom,
not your bedroom, you big drunken mess.
Billy!
Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
Let's give your mother's new boyfriend
a chance to collect his thoughts.
Ooh, boy.
What a morning.
Hey, kid, I'm sorry I went and freaked
out on you like that in the bathroom.
It's okay.
Would you like to see
a magic trick?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
Here.
Why don't you go out and buy yourself
something real nice, huh?
Thanks, Elvis.
This'll go a long way in the toy store.
- That's a cute kid you got there.
- Thanks.
Is that clock right?
Yeah.
Oh, sh*t!
Well, what's wrong?
I was supposed to be
at a birthday party.
Can I help you?
Last night when I got here,
I had a wig.
This one?
You got others?
No. You're my first clown.
Will I ever see you again?
Maybe.
What's your name?
Shakes. Shakes the clown.
Oh, my head!
Goddamn it!
What a fiesta we are having on
the "Palukaville Morning Zoo" here...
on K.L.A.R. D.
That's K-LARD.
- I'm Larry Loud.
- And I'm Barry Obnoxious.
And we're Loud and Obnoxious.
Oh, boy, what a weekend I had.
I went to my psychiatrist
and I went in and said...
"I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam."
He said, "Your problem is
you're two tents. "
Well, okay. Let's go directly
to the telephones here.
You're on "The Morning Zoo."
How are you?
- I'm fine. Who is this?
- Barry Obnoxious on "The Morning Zoo."
Do you listen to K-LARD?
No, I don't listen to you.
Goddamn it!
I'm an invalid!
I had to come down 14 stairs.
Too bad you had to get out of your sick
bed, but this is "The Morning Zoo."
I think it's something important,
I don't know who it is.
Some a**hole on a radio program!
Okay, we got a crazy guy on the phone.
I want to thank you.
Got yourself a free T- shirt.
Come to the station and pick it up.
I gotta empty my colostomy bag,
all right?
- Hey, buddy, I gotta use your can.
- Hold it, jerk. Not so fast.
- What?
- Bathroom is for paying customers only.
Don't I get a free mug?
Man! F***ing people.
When we built this place,
there wasn't a clown in the area.
- Good morning, tiger. How you doing?
- You're late. You the clown?
- No. I'm Mary f***ing Poppins.
- Watch your mouth, mister.
- I'm talking to you.
- I don't care who you're talking to.
Let's get a couple things straight.
One:
I'm not your pal.Two:
I need $150 cashin advance up front.
And three:
If you ever talk to me again...
I'm gonna twist your head
into a f***ing balloon animal.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Nice hair.
Thanks.
Smooth.
- Lawn bowling, it's just so wonderful.
- I can't concentrate on the game.
I gotta know if Shakes
got that TV show.
- What's the rush? We'll find out.
- If he gets it, he'll use his friends.
- Who are his best friends?
- Me and you.
So he gets us on TV,
we get plenty of babes.
Shut up. You get babes 'cause
you're cool, not 'cause you're on TV.
- What do you know about women?
- I know the deal.
You haven't had a woman
since I known you.
I've been busy juggling
and doing sh*t.
You get on TV, all that will change.
Everybody on TV gets lots o' p*ssy.
- Weathermen get a lot of p*ssy.
- Huh?
Weathermen get a lot of p*ssy.
Weathermen don't get
the kind of p*ssy I got.
I got that peanut butter p*ssy...
brown, smooth and easy to spread.
Come on, Billy.
We're all bored.
Let's get the sushi out of the sun.
Ow, ow, ow.
Mom.
Boring!
Hi, kids.
It's your friend, Shakes the clown.
It's giving me trouble,
so we'll put it in here.
Where'd it go?
- Lucy, look!
- All right!
I knew you could do it!
Ow. The real bowlers said
if I win another interstate...
I have a really good chance
of going pro.
- They know what they're talking about.
- I'm just so happy.
So, was your boyfriend Shakes
there last night?
No. He was up all night
with a sick friend.
Judy, he was chasing broads
and drinking their beer.
I haven't told this to anybody,
but I think...
maybe Shakes is an alcoholic.
Judy, don't use the medical term.
The guy's a drunk and a half.
- Of course he's an alcoholic.
- You're right.
Look, a pretty bowler like you,
you can have any man in the world.
I should start thinking about my career.
This has happened to other girls, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- You get with a guy, things go wrong.
Next thing you know, you end up dead
at the bottom of a motel swimming pool.
Every time.
You gotta lose this guy, all right?
A bad clown could really f*** you up.
I love to make you grin and laugh
'cause I'm Peppy the clown
If you wore a frown
Now I hope it's upside- down
Although the show is over
I really hate to go
But we'll be back tomorrow
with a brand-new show
As soon as that camera is off,
he's gonna f*** that little dog.
Yes, kiddies, that's right.
This is my last show.
Your old Uncle Peppy
is being retired from the show.
Forget all that sh*t.
Who's the new host?
Kiddies, I just know you're gonna love
my replacement... Binky.
Binky? What the f***!
Good-bye.
Say good-bye, Peppy.
Good-bye.
- Now we'll never get laid.
- Don't say that. We'll get laid.
We'll still get laid.
It's gonna be all right.
Binky?
Geez, who made this planet?
We love you. Bye.
Here's to sh*t in your nose,
you big phony a**hole.
Dog f***er.
You clowns done?
Oh, those hands...
Fabulous hands.
You just have such neat hands.
Hands that were made for much better
things than cleaning up clown vomit.
Exciting things.
I see a clown in your future, Judy.
I see you doing things
that regular women can only dream of.
Binky.
Judy.
Blow me.
Your face wasn't made
to be getting hit with pies.
Don't laugh at me!
Am I a joke to you?
Some kind of a gag?
Get up.
Hands.
I can't breathe.
You guys are nuts.
Is it just me or has it been
extremely humid lately?
That wet kind of humid heat
that you only get in Palukaville.
You know what they say
about Palukaville...
"You don't like the weather,
stick around a while. It'll change."
Pretzel?
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
No what? No what?
No, thank you.
- Pretzel.
- Yeah, please.
Yes, please. No, no.
You don't take the pretzel.
I give you the pretzel. Open.
Body of Binky.
Amen.
Bye!
Bye, Shakes.
Bye.
- I'm so nervous.
- Why?
I'm taking those
gourmet cooking classes at PCC.
- PCC?
- Palukaville Community College.
- Oh. I couldn't get in there.
- I test well.
Could I have another napkin?
I'm determined to be a great chef here.
my final tomorrow.
Are you serious?
You are one of the best cooks I know.
Gus, I need my batter broil here.
I'll tell you your problem.
You're afraid of women.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. You never talk to them.
Yes, I talk to women all the time, man.
The only woman you ever talk to
is your mother.
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"Shakes The Clown" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/shakes_the_clown_17905>.
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