Shakes The Clown

Mom, who's the naked clown

in our bathroom?

What?

What is it, honey?

- What the hell you doing, kid?

- I had to go to the bathroom.

On my head?

Hey, buddy, this is my bathroom,

not your bedroom, you big drunken mess.

Billy!

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

Let's give your mother's new boyfriend

a chance to collect his thoughts.

Ooh, boy.

What a morning.

Hey, kid, I'm sorry I went and freaked

out on you like that in the bathroom.

It's okay.

Would you like to see

a magic trick?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Here.

Why don't you go out and buy yourself

something real nice, huh?

Thanks, Elvis.

This'll go a long way in the toy store.

- That's a cute kid you got there.

- Thanks.

Is that clock right?

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t!

Well, what's wrong?

I was supposed to be

at a birthday party.

Can I help you?

Last night when I got here,

I had a wig.

This one?

You got others?

No. You're my first clown.

Will I ever see you again?

Maybe.

What's your name?

Shakes. Shakes the clown.

Oh, my head!

Goddamn it!

What a fiesta we are having on

the "Palukaville Morning Zoo" here...

on K.L.A.R. D.

That's K-LARD.

- I'm Larry Loud.

- And I'm Barry Obnoxious.

And we're Loud and Obnoxious.

Oh, boy, what a weekend I had.

I went to my psychiatrist

and I went in and said...

"I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam."

He said, "Your problem is

you're two tents. "

Well, okay. Let's go directly

to the telephones here.

You're on "The Morning Zoo."

How are you?

- I'm fine. Who is this?

- Barry Obnoxious on "The Morning Zoo."

Do you listen to K-LARD?

No, I don't listen to you.

Goddamn it!

I'm an invalid!

I had to come down 14 stairs.

Too bad you had to get out of your sick

bed, but this is "The Morning Zoo."

I think it's something important,

I don't know who it is.

Some a**hole on a radio program!

Okay, we got a crazy guy on the phone.

I want to thank you.

Got yourself a free T- shirt.

Come to the station and pick it up.

I gotta empty my colostomy bag,

all right?

- Hey, buddy, I gotta use your can.

- Hold it, jerk. Not so fast.

- What?

- Bathroom is for paying customers only.

Don't I get a free mug?

Man! F***ing people.

When we built this place,

there wasn't a clown in the area.

- Good morning, tiger. How you doing?

- You're late. You the clown?

- No. I'm Mary f***ing Poppins.

- Watch your mouth, mister.

- I'm talking to you.

- I don't care who you're talking to.

Let's get a couple things straight.

One:
I'm not your pal.

Two:
I need $150 cash

in advance up front.

And three:

If you ever talk to me again...

I'm gonna twist your head

into a f***ing balloon animal.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Nice hair.

Thanks.

Smooth.

- Lawn bowling, it's just so wonderful.

- I can't concentrate on the game.

I gotta know if Shakes

got that TV show.

- What's the rush? We'll find out.

- If he gets it, he'll use his friends.

- Who are his best friends?

- Me and you.

So he gets us on TV,

we get plenty of babes.

Shut up. You get babes 'cause

you're cool, not 'cause you're on TV.

- What do you know about women?

- I know the deal.

You haven't had a woman

since I known you.

I've been busy juggling

and doing sh*t.

You get on TV, all that will change.

Everybody on TV gets lots o' p*ssy.

- Weathermen get a lot of p*ssy.

- Huh?

Weathermen get a lot of p*ssy.

Weathermen don't get

the kind of p*ssy I got.

I got that peanut butter p*ssy...

brown, smooth and easy to spread.

Come on, Billy.

We're all bored.

Let's get the sushi out of the sun.

Ow, ow, ow.

Mom.

Boring!

Hi, kids.

It's your friend, Shakes the clown.

It's giving me trouble,

so we'll put it in here.

Where'd it go?

- Lucy, look!

- All right!

I knew you could do it!

Ow. The real bowlers said

if I win another interstate...

I have a really good chance

of going pro.

- They know what they're talking about.

- I'm just so happy.

So, was your boyfriend Shakes

there last night?

No. He was up all night

with a sick friend.

Judy, he was chasing broads

and drinking their beer.

I haven't told this to anybody,

but I think...

maybe Shakes is an alcoholic.

Judy, don't use the medical term.

The guy's a drunk and a half.

- Of course he's an alcoholic.

- You're right.

Look, a pretty bowler like you,

you can have any man in the world.

I should start thinking about my career.

This has happened to other girls, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- You get with a guy, things go wrong.

Next thing you know, you end up dead

at the bottom of a motel swimming pool.

Every time.

You gotta lose this guy, all right?

A bad clown could really f*** you up.

I love to make you grin and laugh

'cause I'm Peppy the clown

If you wore a frown

Now I hope it's upside- down

Although the show is over

I really hate to go

But we'll be back tomorrow

with a brand-new show

As soon as that camera is off,

he's gonna f*** that little dog.

Yes, kiddies, that's right.

This is my last show.

Your old Uncle Peppy

is being retired from the show.

Forget all that sh*t.

Who's the new host?

Kiddies, I just know you're gonna love

my replacement... Binky.

Binky? What the f***!

Good-bye.

Say good-bye, Peppy.

Good-bye.

- Now we'll never get laid.

- Don't say that. We'll get laid.

We'll still get laid.

It's gonna be all right.

Binky?

Geez, who made this planet?

We love you. Bye.

Here's to sh*t in your nose,

you big phony a**hole.

Dog f***er.

You clowns done?

Oh, those hands...

Fabulous hands.

You just have such neat hands.

Hands that were made for much better

things than cleaning up clown vomit.

Exciting things.

I see a clown in your future, Judy.

I see you doing things

that regular women can only dream of.

Binky.

Judy.

Blow me.

Your face wasn't made

to be getting hit with pies.

Don't laugh at me!

Am I a joke to you?

Some kind of a gag?

Get up.

Hands.

I can't breathe.

You guys are nuts.

Is it just me or has it been

extremely humid lately?

That wet kind of humid heat

that you only get in Palukaville.

You know what they say

about Palukaville...

"You don't like the weather,

stick around a while. It'll change."

Pretzel?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

No what? No what?

No, thank you.

- Pretzel.

- Yeah, please.

Yes, please. No, no.

You don't take the pretzel.

I give you the pretzel. Open.

Body of Binky.

Amen.

Bye!

Bye, Shakes.

Bye.

- I'm so nervous.

- Why?

I'm taking those

gourmet cooking classes at PCC.

- PCC?

- Palukaville Community College.

- Oh. I couldn't get in there.

- I test well.

Could I have another napkin?

I'm determined to be a great chef here.

I'm nervous I'm gonna flunk

my final tomorrow.

Are you serious?

You are one of the best cooks I know.

Gus, I need my batter broil here.

I'll tell you your problem.

You're afraid of women.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are. You never talk to them.

Yes, I talk to women all the time, man.

The only woman you ever talk to

is your mother.

So? Everyone likes my mother. What's

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