Shakes The Clown Page #2

the difference? She's a nice lady.

Yeah, but you need to talk to women

who aren't your mother like...

like Lucy, right now.

What do you mean, right now?

- I mean go over there and talk to Lucy.

- You think I'm afraid?

- Yes, you're afraid.

- I'm not afraid.

I'll talk to her right now.

I ain't afraid.

Why don't you sit back,

enjoy and watch the master.

In the eighth, I completely tugged

and left the Nixons.

- Nixons?

- The 4-6-7-10 split.

Up until then I'd been hitting

the pocket all night.

- Hi, ladies.

- Did you pick up the spare?

I was really nervous 'cause I knew

I had a chance to win the match.

So, I throw a gutter ball,

but at the last moment...

it pops back into the lane

picking up the split!

Unbelievable!

- You guys know what time it is?

- 7:
30.

- I think he likes you.

- He's nice, but he's a man.

So, how'd it go, master?

It went good, I guess. She was

making major eye contact with me.

- You didn't even talk to her.

- What are you talking about?

You saw me talking to her.

You were just standing there

moving your lips.

I asked her what time it was.

She told me it was 7:30.

That's the cornerstone of a lasting

relationship, what time it is?

Yes, yes, because first,

I asked her what time it is.

Tomorrow I get to ask her the date.

Day after that she's all over me.

That's how it works.

You play it slow.

Hey, waitress, what time is it?

It's 7:
35, good-lookin'.

See?

What is a corn dog? Well, it's kind of

like a hot dog on a stick...

and they take it...

Sweetheart. Pumpkin.

Hey, doll face.

Don't you "sweetheart,

doll face, pumpkin" me!

- Where were you last night?

- I-I-I... Where was I last night?

- Where were you last night?

- I was up with a very sick friend.

What? Who?

- Pete.

- Pete?

Oh, Pete. Right. Then what's this

lipstick on your little funny tie?

It's not Pete's lipstick, is it?

- That's blood.

- From what?

Pete had an angina attack.

Angina? Pete is a man.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm truly sorry.

Last night,

there I was in the alley...

almost fulfilling my dream of becoming

a professional bowler...

I look around

and you aren't there.

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to feel?

I'm sorry.

- I should have been there.

- You should have been there.

- I planned on going there.

- And what happened?

Your little friend Pete

had an angina attack.

I know what you mean by angina, but it

wasn't Pete's angina you were after.

Shakes, if you want to drink and run

around with other women, that's fine.

Just don't make me look like

an a-hole in the process.

F***!

Jesus Christ.

- How you doin', Pep?

- How am I doin'?

Blow it out your ass,

you useless bag of sh*t!

Nice talking to you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

A real, real pleasure,

I'm sure.

A**holes.

Oh, uh, Peppy,

you dropped your thesaurus.

What's he so pissed off about?

'Cause he got fired

from the TV show.

Fired? I thought he retired.

No, he was just telling everybody that

because his ego was bruised.

Yeah. You know,

I'm really surprised that...

you know, that I haven't

been asked to host yet.

What?

You haven't heard?

No, I haven't heard nothing.

What are you talking about?

Binky's the new host.

Binky's the new host?

Binky? What the f***? That guy

can't even throw... I don't care!

That guy can't even throw

a f***ing pie straight. He's not funny.

- Did he ever make you laugh?

- No, he's not funny.

I read for that part.

That part was mine!

You guys know that.

I don't even mind

that's he's not funny.

What really bugs me is that as a human

being he's nothing but a lump of sh*t.

- Howdy-doody, Shakes.

- Hi. I was just talking about you.

- How's your cirrhosis?

- Fine.

How's your disease-ridden cock?

- My cock! How dare you...

- F***ing douche bag!

I'll flatten every single one

of your heads, like pancakes!

Oh, yeah? Well, the only show

you could ever get on...

would be a show called

"The Not Funny Diarrhea Club."

Fart face.

What the f*** are you talking about?

What are you, eight?

Get out of my face, all of you!

Oh, really scary.

Geez, boy, he really told us, huh?

F***ing d*ckheads.

What the hell is wrong with them?

I thought you were gonna kill 'em, man.

Guys like that, you know,

they give clowns a bad name.

Damn straight.

What are you doing sneaking up on me?

You scared the bejesus out of me.

- You still sore, huh?

- Yes, I'm still sore.

What do you expect from me?

- Baby, I can't explain everything.

- Shakes, I don't want to hear it.

Go away, Shakes.

I don't want to see you.

I don't want to talk to you.

Go away.

Baby.

I don't want to talk to you.

Leave me alone.

It's not gonna work.

You've hurt me too many times

and you don't take me seriously.

I take you serious.

How did it go last night?

Well, I did pretty good.

I won the first seven frames.

Then at the last moment I left

the Nixons... the 4-6-7-10 split.

And then right at the...

You're not listening to me.

You're looking over there.

I wasn't. I was looking over there,

but I was listening to you.

You were talking about Watergate

or something like that.

Forget it.

I just don't care about you anymore.

What do you mean,

you don't care about me anymore?

I'm just saying that it's all over

between the two of us.

That's great.

That's fan-freaking-tastic.

Shakes, are you all right?

See, baby, you still

do care about me.

Shakes, you are a real rat turd.

- You all right, buddy?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Moron. Hey, Madonna,

where you going?

Need a ride, fresh cream,

cottage cheese?

- Leave me alone, milkman scum!

- Half and half?

Stupid f***ing clown.

My colon.

What, the cigar bothers you now?

No. Actually, it reminds me

of my uncle.

- Your uncle smokes cigars?

- No, he stinks.

Come on, guys.

Let's call it a night.

All right, all right.

Keep your shirt on.

- See you later, Shakes.

- Good night, Shakes.

Good night, guys.

Don't forget.

You got that gig tomorrow.

I'm leaving right now.

I'm right behind you.

- See you later, buddy.

- Go home, Murray.

The dotmobile.

See you later.

You should fix that clutch.

- Do you remember where we're parked?

- I've got to urinate.

- Hello?

- Shakes, it's me, Stan.

Hey, how you doing?

How am I doing?

Where the f*** are you?

- What?

- Bastard! You did it to us again.

- Jesus Christ.

- Two hours we've been waiting on you.

You don't care.

- You're really bitter, you know that?

- I was bitter, I admit, for a while.

But I've conquered that,

and now I just feel lucky...

that I have Brainiac as a partner.

You don't believe

I'm mentally superior to you?

- Ask me a question. Come on.

- I don't have any questions for you.

All right. What's a Shondell?

What?

What? What's a Shondell?

Like Tommy James and the Shondells.

Remember that? "Crimson and Clover,"

"I Think We're Alone Now," "Mony Mony."

Yeah, I remember the goddamn band,

all right?

- What's a Shondell?

- Who cares?

- What kind of idiotic question is that?

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