Shakes The Clown Page #3

- You're upset 'cause you don't know.

- No, I'm not getting upset.

- It's not a crime. Big deal.

The point is is that there are things

that you accept and things you question.

- So you're upset 'cause you don't know.

- I'm not upset!

You know what? At this point, you should

be watching your blood pressure.

There's nothing wrong

with my goddamn blood pressure!

Yep. Lunch break.

All right.

Duh, hi, kids.

It's Shakes...

F***.

Duh, hi, kids.

I'm Shakes the clown.

What is that you got over there?

What's that, pastrami?

You think that's a good idea?

You think that's wise, pastrami?

Yes. It's not only wise,

it's kosher.

And it's none of your goddamn beeswax

what I eat and what I don't eat.

I don't need a goddamn food monitor

sitting next to me in the car.

Hey, I'm not the one the doctor called,

"A candidate for the coronary"...

thankfully through working out,

nice healthy diet.

Healthy as a horse. Knock wood.

What the hell was that?

- Take off!

- You see the hair on that guy?

We got a freak. Oh, boy.

F***!

I got him. I got him.

Oh, my God!

- Shut up and calm down!

- Let me drive!

Get your hands off the wheel!

- You don't know how to drive!

- Get away from me!

There. See?

- I can't move my head.

- You seen this?

They clean your windshields.

This is great. Watch.

- Give me a buck. I'll give it to him.

- Are you insane?

F*** you.

- Thank you. Looks good.

- What are you thanking him for?

Oh, my goodness!

It's dirtier now than it was!

Ducks!

Sh*t!

All right, out of the car, clown!

Come on! Out! Hands on the roof!

You better pray those water fowl are

all right. You're in a lot of trouble.

Look out, look out, look out.

Boy, you're a real sweetheart.

Make your parents proud?

- Let's just get them out of here.

- Another white-collar criminal.

I bet you were a big hit in lockup.

Checkered pants down around your ankles.

Everybody loves a clown,

so why don't I?

You ought to keep a little better

control over your clowns, mister...

Cheese. Owen Cheese.

U-Rent-A-Clown.

Oh, my card.

Hey, did you see that?

If you're gonna have a policeman's ball,

a social, anything...

you know, a clown is the difference

between a party and...

a really nice party.

I'll bet.

He would have gotten off with just

a few minor traffic violations...

if he hadn't twisted my Breathalyzer...

which is Palukaville Police property...

into a goddamn French poodle!

I smell pastrami.

You guys have pastrami for lunch?

Well, I had a salad.

- What?

- For lunch.

I had a salad, muffin... light lunch.

Feel good. Nothing heavy.

This is a big goddamn joke to you,

isn't it?

The man asked me about pastrami.

I'm doing my job.

Lighten up. A little protecting

and some serving.

You'd be serving parking citations

to pimps at 4:
00 a.m. If I had my way.

- Are we free to leave?

- Yeah. Get out of here.

- Thank you.

- Please. And don't come back either.

- Believe me, we won't.

- Good.

Do me a favor...

See? Now those things

are gonna kill you.

I'll kill you before they kill me,

you can count on that.

Don't walk away

when I'm talking to you.

Why do you do this to me?

I mean, your total disregard

for the clown code of ethics...

would make your poor father, Lippy...

God rest his soul...

turn over in his grave.

Now meet me in the office

at 5:
00.

Oh, and Shakes.

Take a bath, will you?

- You're still not talking to me?

- Yeah, we wanna talk to you, Shakes.

- Look, me and Dink...

- Just tell him.

- We think you drink too much.

- You got a problem.

I got a problem?

I got a big problem.

My best friends

are f***ing a**holes.

Seriously, Shakes,

you drink way too much.

Where do you get balls like that

saying I drink too much?

I don't see you guys having any trouble

whatsoever keeping up with me.

I don't have a problem with alcohol.

I could stop any time I want to.

I just don't 'cause I'm having

a lot of fun with my drinking.

Oh, here we go.

Did he puke in my car?

No big pieces.

Idiot!

Hey, you guys want a beer?

- Sure.

- What the hell. Give me a goddamn beer.

Sorry about bogarting.

A couple of frosties

for the boys.

Ah, Shakes the clown.

It'll take a lot of birthday parties

before you can pay for this suit.

You got a lot of balls coming here,

you no-good, drunken bum!

Give me my goddamn hat!

Your father's a bum!

Your father's father's a bum!

Everybody here is a bum!

Now get the hell out of here!

Mimes! Mimes!

Stop the car! Kill! Destroy!

Clowns! Sh*t!

Run!

You silent motherf***er, yeah!

Come on!

You can run but you cannot hide!

You only pick on us

'cause we're artists.

Ah, f*** you, man.

Get out of this box.

Bastards!

You people are sick!

You need help!

Learn how to speak.

Shakes...

when your poor father died...

in that elephant mishap...

I promised your mother I'd take care

of you as if you were my own.

Well, you... you've always

kept up that promise.

You've always been like

a father to me or something.

If your drinking...

interferes with work one more time,

I'm gonna have to fire you.

Understand?

Yeah.

If I have one complaint

from one parent...

one kid, one dog...

I'm gonna fire you so fast...

you'll be out of work immediately.

- Don't do that. It's annoying.

- Sorry.

Hey, come on.

You made me blow that shot.

He says that if I f*** up

one more time...

I'm gonna get fired.

- Oh, this is serious, Shakes.

- What are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna drink at work anymore,

that's what I'm not gonna do.

Yeah, right.

You haven't drawn a sober breath

since I've known you.

I resent that.

I've been sober plenty of times.

When?

What about when I was in my coma?

That entire month

I did not have one drink.

And when...

when I had to go to court.

You got sh*t-faced at the judge's

chambers and juggled his gavels.

That's settled.

From now on, me and Dink are gonna

go with you on your rounds...

to make sure you don't drink.

I don't need you guys.

I don't have a problem.

- I can stop on my own, thank you.

- I'm sure you can...

but we're gonna go with you just to

make sure you get off to a good start.

To Shakes and his newfound sobriety.

Hang in there, Shakes.

Hang in there.

- I gotta have a drink.

- No, you don't. You don't got to.

I gotta have a drink.

Shakes, last night I came this much

closer of fulfilling my dream...

of becoming a professional bowler

and you weren't there.

How's that supposed to

make me feel?

Don't think about it.

You don't gotta think about it.

Come on, please.

- Hang on.

- Calm down.

We're trying to help you, man.

I know if you have one

you'll want more.

All right, calm down.

- Oh, geez, he's puking!

- All right, just calm down.

Don't think about it, Shakes.

- Should we stop?

- Just keep going.

Oh, please, guys, give me one drink.

Don't think about it, Shakes!

- Calm down.

- Fight it.

- What are we gonna play, Dink?

- A nice game of Simon Says.

Okay, kiddies.

You're not funny, clown.

Give it a break on that horn,

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