Shakes The Clown Page #4

will you?

Kid, if you blow that horn

one more time...

I'm gonna shove it

right up your ass.

Let me explain something to you.

You're a loser.

Your parents had to pay grown men

to come and play with you today...

because kids collectively,

on a whole, think you suck.

All right? If you want me to leave,

that's fine. I'm out of here.

I'm sorry.

Please don't go, mister.

- What's shakin', Shakes?

- Hey, everything okay?

Duh, I'm it.

We'll play hide-and-go-seek.

Get 'em out of the house.

Good idea.

Hide-and-seek.

- I'm it, everybody. Go, go, go.

- You okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

Gee...

G, F, K...

A...

Here I come...

ready or not,

you little bastards.

Mister, are you okay?

Oh, I hope he's dead!

Hey, hey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. My teacher nearly puked

when he tried my peach flan.

Are you serious? It can't be that bad.

Here, let me try it.

- Would ya?

- Sure.

You like it?

Yeah, it's good.

- You spit it out.

- No, I didn't.

- I saw you.

- No, it was yummy.

Is Shakes all right?

He's fine. He's got the toughest head

I've ever seen.

He's over at my place

sleeping it off.

He'll be sleeping it off

all night.

How you doing, f***ers?

How are we tonight?

Hi, Shakes.

Oh, pumpkin!

Why don't you all kiss my ass?

Oh, hi, boss.

How you doing?

You're fired.

I'm fired?

I'll kill you, you motherf***er!

Oh, no.

Come on. Help me.

We gotta get him up.

Let's get him in the back room.

Shakes tipsy?

Gasp.

Oh, there's a surprise.

He looks so cherubic.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Like an angel.

Yeah, I'd like to stomp

his f***ing angel head.

Well, here's to Mr. Cheese coming

to his senses and firing that loser.

Here's to Shakes getting fired.

He's thrown his last pie

in this town.

Okay, now go in the back room

and wait for the two rodeo clowns there.

I'll be there.

And Boots.

- Hmm?

- Remember the code?

We don't have to worry

about this guy. He's out of it.

Hi, boys and girls.

I'm Shakes the clown.

God, this guy must drink

formaldehyde.

Hey, let's put his hand

in hot water.

- What's that do?

- Makes him pee.

Oh, all right.

- Are you Binky?

- No.

- Is that Binky?

- No, that's not Binky.

- Then who the f*** are you?

- I'm Ho-Ho the clown. Nice to meet you.

Well, f*** you, party clown!

I don't like this. Let's leave.

Wait. I'll go get Binky now.

- Let me. I know right where he is.

- You entertain our guests...

Shut up! You're f***ing with

the wrong clowns now, pal.

- My cyst!

- Let me do something to him.

- You wanna hurt him?

- Something.

He wants to hurt you.

Don't make eye contact, boy.

- You know where Binky is?

- Yeah.

- Then run and get him real quick.

- Okay. Will you excuse me, please?

- Don't look at him.

- Look at me. Is this yours?

- I can't breathe.

- Don't go crazy.

- He looked at me!

- I did not.

Just settle down.

You're in the barrel.

He's in the barrel.

It's okay. Just relax.

My cyst. Ouch.

And I'll tell you another

extremely interesting thing about me...

is that even though I've got this

big-time cartoon show on the air now...

I'm not gonna change.

I'm not gonna be one iota different

than I ever was.

- You know why I'm not gonna change?

- Why?

'Cause I'm an a**hole!

A**hole!

You all hate me.

You all loathe me.

Make fun of my jokes,

think I'm not funny.

Think my balloon animals suck.

You know that.

Binky the doormat.

That should be my name.

Not Binky the clown.

Binky the doormat.

I don't stick up for myself.

They say the squeaky wheel

gets the grease.

I'm the quietest f***ing wheel you've

ever seen 'cause I don't b*tch at all.

I'm a wimp.

F***ing nuts, that's what I am.

Insane? No, I'm not insane.

I'm just different.

I didn't wear my crystal today.

That always makes me a little tense.

The dolphins are in the Jacuzzi.

Will you excuse me

for a moment, please?

- Sure. Go ahead. It's okay.

- Thanks.

Why is it I hate it

when he buys the drinks?

- 'Cause he acts like a maniac.

- Mm-hmm.

I don't understand why he can't just

drink normally like the rest of us.

He gets so out of control.

Maybe it's 'cause he saw his father

crushed to death by an elephant.

A thing like that

can scar you for life.

He drinks so much to forget

he's a f***ing alcoholic!

Geez, Lucy, would you lighten up?

Cut the guy some slack.

Dink, Stenchy, do you guys

know where Shakes is?

Oh, he's still sleeping it off

back there.

Oh. I thought I'd give him

another chance.

Thank you, Mr. Cheese.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph hanging

off the cross, for Christ's sake.

Goddamn it! Sh*t!

- I'll see if he's still asleep.

- That is great, man.

Do it. Beak, Randi, beak.

Ow! Goddamn!

That's good stuff.

Whoo! Colombian prairie dog.

Got a mean kick on the back end, though.

But it's about the best stuff

you can get around these parts.

I tell you what. You boys ain't bad for

a bunch of p*ssy birthday party clowns.

Binky, you ever been kicked

in the head by a bull?

- Something like that.

- This old boy has about 100 times.

Here. Try some

of this stuff here, Binky.

But be careful, boy.

It's got a mean bite on the back end.

Well, salud.

Binky.

Say, wait a minute.

You clowns are on dope.

Where you going, old man?

You didn't see nothing, all right?

You saw five happy, jolly clowns

sitting around...

eating a big plate of beef...

white, powdery beef.

Binky, you son of...

Boys, the poop has hit the fan.

We just killed my boss.

Listen, Bink, it's been a lot of fun,

but we gotta hit the road.

We'll catch you on the flip-flop.

Wait, wait.

Where are you going?

Witnesses.

Future cell mates.

Coke dealers.

Let's powwow.

Let's chitchat.

Let's palaver.

Well, all right, Bink.

What's the deal?

- It's your move.

- You know what?

I really gotta learn how he did that.

Remember that Cheese guy, the clown guy?

The thing with the card.

Hey, look.

That's the difference between a cop

and a really good cop.

Wasn't that amazing?

It was childish when he did it.

When you do it, it's infantile.

Now would you knock it off.

Go ahead.

Turn those off!

Now make it look like

there's been a fight.

- You don't talk to me anymore.

- You're insensitive to my needs.

That's a fight? I said a fight.

You're making it look like powder puffs.

- Mix it up.

- I know karate.

Well, I know the Vulcan nerve pinch.

- F*** you, f***er.

- Why don't you kiss my rosy red ass?

Just lay him down on the floor

and shut up. I gotta use the phone.

You can't listen.

Take this, you...

Shut up! I'm telephoning.

Hello. Police department?

This is Mr. Owen Cheese

at the U-Rent-A-Clown office.

Oh, God. There's a guy in the office

and he's trying to murder me.

My life is in jeopardy.

Please come quickly.

They're on the way, boys.

Let's move 'em out.

You ever find yourself

sweating a lot?

- No.

- Headachy?

- No.

- Sudden mood swings?

I'll mood swing you right out

of this car if you don't knock it off!

I'm trying to concentrate

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