Shakes The Clown Page #5

on my move!

- Wait a minute.

- What?

You were just in the Peanut Brittle

House and now you're at Lollipop Woods.

- How the hell did that happen?

- Peter Crony.

Goddamn it!

18-12, we've got a 7-11 in progress

at the U- Rent-A-Clown office.

17th and Central. Over.

Why does this always happen

when I'm winning?

Remember, I'm green.

Open the door!

It's the police!

Open up immediately.

This is the police.

We can see you in there.

We know you're in there.

Come on out.

Step back.

We're gonna kick the door down.

He's going out the back.

- Damn it!

- Where the hell did he go?

I've been with you the whole time!

How do I know?

If you kept your eyes open

for once...

- Here. I'm gonna call for backup.

- Don't just grab it!

Things like that are exactly

why people hate you!

What do you mean? What kind of a broad,

general, sweeping statement is that?

- I've got lots of friends.

- I'm not talking about your friends.

I'm talking about everyday normal people

you meet who hate you right away.

Will you stop that?

I thought you liked

"Lady of Spain."

I love "Lady of Spain," but that's

not "Lady of Spain," is it, Ty?

Damn. Just play something else.

I'm trying to count my money.

- Where was I?

- I'll play "Lady of Spain."

Hey, that's that damn clown.

Where? I'll ask him

if this is "Lady of Spain."

Get down, you dumb-ass!

Too bad about his accident.

- What accident?

- You know the one.

Where he was so distraught

by killing his boss...

who was like a father to him

that he ran himself off a cliff.

- Sh*t!

- That f***-face!

Oh, great.

Meet your maker, party clown.

Hey, sorry about the headlight.

Tell you what. Pull over

and we'll exchange phone numbers.

Get an estimate...

F*** you!

Pay for your own headlight, a**hole!

Sh*t!

I just made my last payment.

Look at him.

- Are you watching?

- I'm watching.

Now watch me closely.

See? This is very important.

Jesus, Shakes!

Boar! Hey, Boar!

Hi!

F*** you, clown!

Judy, I can't take it anymore.

The police came by

the Twisted Balloon tonight.

- I killed Mr. Cheese.

- What?

I killed Mr. Cheese.

You couldn't kill Mr. Cheese.

He was like a father to you.

You don't have it in you

to do something like that, honey.

Don't you realize all your problems

come from how much you drink?

What are we gonna do?

Shakes.

Jesus Christ!

I feel like a f***ing idiot.

No, no, you look very sexy.

Very French.

I look sexy?

Do you realize if I saw myself

I'd have to kick my own ass right now?

Maybe you and your friends

will think twice about mime bashing.

Maybe you're right.

Hurry up, everybody!

Mime Jerry's gonna show us

some new routines he learned in France.

Come on.

Mime's a-wasting.

Hey, are you sure

you're gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine. Who's gonna

look for me in a mime studio?

Well, control yourself.

If you get into any trouble, call me.

Well, okay.

Thanks a lot, doll.

I'll see you later.

Let's start with our walls.

And go!

All right, everyone.

We're gonna be a cat in a box.

Ready? Here we are.

Use those claws.

Make me believe

that you're that little p*ssy.

Yes.

Huh?

I'm Mime Jerry.

And your name is?

My name is Chuck.

Chuck!

Everyone, let's welcome Chuck.

Silently, people!

Mime Chuck, would you like to be

my little helper today?

Yeah, that'd be tremendous.

Come on up, Chuck.

You forgot the stairs.

There's stairs here.

Whoa! There we go.

Come on up there. There we are.

All right, Chuck, in the future

the underwear should go on the inside.

And let's keep Mom's

candy-red panty hose at home, okay?

I don't want to see

what religion you are.

Ready?

Let's start with our walls.

And go!

Come on, Chuck.

We're doing a wall now.

Chuck, you're not copping a feel on

a big-tittied lady. Let's make a wall.

Are we on medication,

or don't we know what a wall is?

Let's make it a single wall,

not putting your hand in sh*t.

Tighten that wrist up,

or I'll break it.

There you go... Tighten it!

There we go.

Ready? There we are.

Let's make our wall.

There it is. It's all over us.

Uh-oh. It might be above us too.

It might be above us, Chuck.

What are we doing, a little watusi?

Come on, Chuck, make the wall.

All right, enough of that.

Everybody get ready to fry our bacon.

Ready?

Here we go!

Raise 'em!

Suck in the little pork belly.

And fry.

Come on, Chuck.

We wanna fry off that fat ass of yours.

Fry, fry, fry, Chuckie!

Everybody, let's sizzle.

We're gonna sizzle off

Chuck's little pork butt.

Fry yourself. Let the heat work

through you. Shake your meat.

You got a roll of quarters.

Make some change.

Now you're burning.

Now you're on fire.

Shake your money maker.

Think about being eaten,

and then curl up.

Curl up, Chuck!

There we go!

Come on.

Curl, curl.

You having an epileptic fit?

You okay?

- Who's there?

- Like you don't know.

It's me, Binky.

- What are you doing here, you creep?

- I brought these for ya.

They're very pretty.

Where'd you steal 'em?

If this bed could talk.

Huh, Judy?

I understand how you feel.

You're hurt. We're all hurt.

I mean, Shakes, a murderer?

Listen, Binky,

Shakes may be alcoholic...

and a bad lay...

but he's not a murderer.

How can you say

he's not a murderer?

He took a juggling pin and smashed in

Mr. Cheese's head with the thing.

Again and again and again,

just hitting and hitting...

and the head bursting

and splattering underneath.

Boots and HoHo could've stopped me,

but they didn't stop me!

Wait. Did I say "me" just now?

Yes.

Whoa. Back up.

Now I've gotta kill you.

Beautiful. Another red-letter day

for Binky the clown.

Just great.

Just great.

More bullshit and pressure

in my life!

All right, let's move on to...

riding a pony into the Grand Canyon.

This is kind of an existential mime

dealing with life and death.

All right, everybody, saddle up.

Saddle up, Chuck!

Come on, boy!

- Get on your pony.

- I'm on my pony.

All right, I see that, Chuckles.

Ready? And head 'em out.

Ride. You're riding

toward the canyon now.

Head 'em out. Hyah!

You lose that hat again...

I'll put it up your ass

and it'll be hard to walk in the wind.

There you go, boy.

Very good, everyone.

Hyah!

Come on, people.

This is not funny, this is serious.

You look like a bunch

of goddamn rodeo clowns.

Chuck, you didn't join us at all.

That really pisses me off.

Let's try it again.

Time out, everyone.

You're a clown, aren't ya?

- No, I'm not a clown.

- Really?

Let's try again.

All right, everybody,

ready to do this one?

This is the mime called "Puberty."

Ready?

All right, everybody.

Ladies, do something different.

Ready? Whoa!

Hi, Judy here.

We'll, I'm not here.

- Leave a message. Bye!

- Hey, Judy?

Yeah.

Judy, this is Mime Chuck.

I think I figured out something.

I'll see you later, okay? Bye-bye.

Oh, man.

I can't believe this is happening.

Me either.

He was a great guy.

He was a great guy.

He was the greatest guy.

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