Shallow Hal

Mrs. Larson?

It, uh...

It won't be much longer, Mrs. Larson.

Well, is he in a lot of pain?

No. No, no. There will be

No more pain for your husband.

He's heavily sedated.

OK. I think I'm gonna go

send little Hal in now.

No. No, no. I don't think

that's such a good idea.

With all the pain killers, uh...

the reverend's not exactly himself.

Look, I think my boy has a right

to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means

everything in the world to him.

Well... your call.

Nurse?

Yes, Reverend Larson?

- Did you see the cowboy?

- The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me

the singing nickel in Pudding Town?

OK. I think it's time

to turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson, your son is here.

OK, sure. Send her in.

Ladies? A little privacy.

Dad?

It's me, Dad. Hal.

Oh.

Glad you're here, kiddo.

Got a few things to tell ya.

First, I want you to promise

that no matter what you do in life,

you will never ever settle for average.

Yes, sir.

Second, don't be satisfied

with routine poontang.

Huh?

Don't do what I did.

I married for love, and your mother

Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearls here.

And third, find yourself...

a classic beauty...

with a perfect can... and great totties.

That will put you in good stead

with the Lord. It's all in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot young tail's what it's all about.

Hot... young... tail.

I'll make you proud, Papa.

Uncle Larry's hooked on ice again

He seems to be stuck in the '80s

He wears his Members Only jacket

Cos he thinks it turns on all the ladies

And all the white folks shake their asses

Looking for the two and four

I'll have mine in martini glasses

Cos I can't take it any more

These are the days of empty kitchens

The rise and fall of Mary Ellen's hair do...

Jackass, can you not hear me down there?

I don't want anything to do with you,

you little warthog.

You had me at "Get lost".

- What's up, Mauricio?

- Hey, Hal.

- How's the crowd tonight?

- Good. I got a few bites.

- Can I get you a drink?

- I won't say no to that.

Two beers.

- Two Buds?

- Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect to see you here.

Where's your new girl Loni?

- Lindy.

- Lindy.

- She's, uh...

- There you go.

Actually, I didn't tell her

I was goin' out tonight.

Why not? Things OK with you guys?

Yeah, a little too OK,

if you know what I'm talkin' about.

- What does that mean?

- Things are going in the shitter real quick.

Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that.

Why is she dumping you?

- She's not. I'm dumping her.

- You're dumping Loni?

- Lindy.

- What, are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you get to know her

better, there's a whole other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know, and

she's got her bare... feet up on the couch,

and I notice that her second toe is, like,

half an inch longer than her big toe.

- That's it? You're breaking up over that?

- Hey, I don't need that circus sh*t.

Well, couldn't she get the toe

filed down or something?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

- Speak for yourself, my friend.

- What, you got the promotion?

I don't hear till tomorrow, but guess who

is now officially going out with Jill.

Jill?! Your neighbour Jill?

You're going out with Jill, your neighbour?

And she doesn't exactly hate me.

Get out!

You are the luckiest man on the planet.

So what are you doing here?

She's hostessing until 11. I better get going.

I'm gonna try to catch her on the way home,

see if she wants to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not all she'll be gettin'.

See you later.

- I said no.

- No? Why not?

I don't wanna have a drink with you. I wanna

go home. Is that so hard to understand?

- What's goin' on? Are you mad?

- No, I'm not mad. I just...

Go on, say it. You know what?

No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

So what? You think everyone who goes out

is attracted to each other? Get real.

They're attracted to each other

in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds

like a bunch of New Age hooey.

Maybe for some people

there's a little spark in the beginning,

but for most, the attraction part

happens way later. Whoa!

What? That's it?

Just like that, we're breaking up?

Well, we were never going out.

We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days.

That's all I need.

- Why do you need five days?

- Tomorrow I'm finally getting my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners,

this, that. I need you now.

Hal, you're gonna be so busy,

you won't even think about me.

How am I not gonna think about you?

You live right across the hall.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe...

maybe you should think about moving.

Hal, we've made a decision

regarding that wholesaler position.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

- I'm sorry, man.

- No, it's...

The gal's a proven entity.

What the heck you gonna do?

- Hal, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, thanks.

- You should have gotten it. You deserved it.

- No, I didn't.

I didn't put them in a position

where they had to promote me or lose me.

It's a good lesson.

Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.

And to make matters worse,

Jill dumped me last night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to be

going out to get dumped?

- What does that mean?

- Well, I just thought it was more of a...

Anyway, why do you care so much?

Jill wasn't right for you and you know it.

How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it?

They're just well-formed molecules.

And by the way, her tits weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em.

That's real enough for me.

Hal, I don't understand how a guy

who's as nice and loyal and generous as you

could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

It never occurred to you that picking girls

on their looks may not be the best way?

Am I supposed to apologise

for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years

I've known you, every woman -

I should say girl - you've gone after

has been completely out of your league.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- She doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying

you're not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying

something really mean.

No.

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

- Yes, Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.

- Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice

to what chama call it.

- President Clinton? Mandela?

- No, no, no.

- Gorbachev?

- No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts!

It's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And those dogs. How big are those?

- Size 16, buddy.

- Holy cannoli.

- So you must do pretty good with the ladies.

- Just one.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She sounds hot!

- She is an amazing lady.

- I bet.

- So, what are you doin' in my town?

- We're doing a seminar here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes