Shallow Hal Page #2

I help people to deal with the challenges

in life with more dignity and courage.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to...

Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on.

The elevator just stopped. That's weird.

- Man, yeah. So what do we...?

- Hang on.

- Are you OK? I'm fine.

- You OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just I feel a little light-headed.

Then she dumped me. Flat out. Without

even the courtesy of a severance pop.

- A severance pop?

- You know, one last...

To ease the pain. The nice ones'll

sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had

some odd relationships.

Yeah. See, the problem is I'm kinda picky.

- What do you mean, "picky"?

- Well, for instance, I like 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina

in her first Sports Illustrated layout?

- You're looking for a young Paulina type?

- That face, but with better headlights.

You know how hers

have kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girl.

She's got great knockers.

But she's a tad muscular.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do,

too, if she had a better grille.

Like Michelle Pfeiffer

back when she did Grease 2.

But she'd have to be

a little smilier than Michelle.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos,

before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny. Someone meatier,

like Heidi, but without the accent.

You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah.

They really get old fast. You know

what I'm saying. Someone like that.

Don't you think you're being a little bit

shallow in the way you look at women?

Well, no. I mean, you know,

I'd like her to be into culture and sh*t, too.

OK, hypothetical situation.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend

missing one breast or half a brain?

Ooh, toughie. That's a toughie.

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

- How's your relationship with your parents?

- Excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious.

She golfs every afternoon.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad.

He died when I was nine, so...

If you were nine, you should remember a lot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been

a little traumatised by the whole thing.

Anyway, all I remember is, he was great.

He was a great guy,

and I really loved him, but...

I'm sorry you lost him.

Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

You're just fixated on

the outside appearances of people.

- Hal Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favour.

- Really?

This is how it'll work. From this moment on,

whenever you meet someone in the future,

you're only gonna see what's inside them.

So you'll respond to that, because that,

my friend, is where the true beauty lies.

OK, Tony, I think

you're getting a little cabin fever.

Hold on. What if I told you by doing this,

you could have the most beautiful women

in the world and they'd want you?

- Is this like what you do in your seminars?

- No, no, this is very special.

This is just between you and me.

Let's get up and I'll show you what to do.

Now, you got a pattern of looking at women

and judging them by the exterior.

We gotta break that pattern.

So has there been a time

when you were especially shallow with a

woman, where you thought you were better?

- All the time.

- All the time.

Is there one specific time

where you were really shallow?

- Oh, yeah, I got one.

- Think about that.

Devils, come out!

- What the hell are you doin', banana hands?

- Just hang on.

- We gotta jolt your nervous system.

- Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's not just talking about it. Here's what

I want you to do. Just relax for a moment.

- I won't do that again.

- I didn't mean the "banana hands" thing.

Close your eyes. Just relax. And I want you

to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day and the sun

is just starting to set.

And you're looking in the eyes of a woman,

and you're feeling her heart.

You're seeing her soul.

You're feeling her spirit.

That's it. That's it.

Excellent. Excellent.

Taxi!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

No, it's my fault. I didn't see you.

This is your cab. I'm gonna get the next cab.

- OK.

- All right.

Look, I'm just... I'm just

headed over to the East Side.

- Do you wanna share, or...?

- Yeah!

Yeah, let's take this one.

So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

- Where to?

- East Side Plaza for me, please.

Likewise.

- What?

- Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're... you're really pretty.

Yeah, right. Jeez,

is everybody in this city so flattering?

I figured you weren't from around here.

Where you from?

- Boston.

- Bean Town.

The musical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you... toot.

So, are you here on a shoot or something?

- A shoot?

- I mean, you must be a model, right?

My grandmother's not doing so well, so I

took a year off from school to help her out.

Oh. Helping granny. Cool.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

Bye.

So, nice catchin' up.

Listen, um... I know you'll probably think

I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but, um...

What?

Well, while you're here in town,

I mean, you know...

If you ever feel like taking a break from

hangin' out with your old sick granny,

you know, we could...

- Sure. I mean...

- Really?

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

I would absolutely love to, if...

OK, yeah. I should get your number, then.

No, no. I'll get yours, because it would...

- With my luck, you'll lose mine, so...

- Oh. I get it.

Very funny. You got me.

That was... No, that was good.

You could've just said no,

but you went the extra mile. That was harsh.

- I don't need this sh*t.

- Uh...

What?

- I... I do want your number.

- Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't know what... That was dumb.

I was saying something...

I thought you meant... Never mind. Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number,

and here's my email.

- Email. That's...

- Yeah. That's funny.

- Hello?

- Mud whistle, get dressed. We're goin' out.

This Robbins guy gave you free therapy

while you were in the elevator?

Yeah. And then - check this out -

he does this thing to me where he makes it

so I can score better with the ladies.

At the time I thought it was a joke.

But this afternoon, the first

beautiful woman I saw went for me.

- Could be coincidence.

- Yeah, but no. This was different.

It was like she went crazy

for me or something.

I think maybe talking to him helped my

confidence, cos I do feel more confident.

Sh*t. Look who's here.

What's the matter?

You have a problem with Walt?

- You don't?

- No. Why would I?

- Don't you just get sick of it sometimes?

- Sick of what?

The whole "I walk on all fours

so I own the world" thing.

Plus all that phony self-deprecating crap.

Jeez... Give the guy a break!

He's got spina bifida!

- He's just playing the hand he was dealt.

- Yeah. Here he comes.

- There's a couple of belt buckles I recognise.

- Hey, Walt. How you doin'?

Do I look like I have

anything to complain about?

Not if you don't mind

bunions on your knuckles.

I gotta go to the can.

- Hey, man, good to see ya.

- Good to see you.

- How you been?

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