Shallow Hal Page #3

- Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognise.

How ya doing, Deb?

OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

- How about a bottle of Dom for my buddy?

- Another? OK, you got it.

- And keep 'em coming.

- What's the occasion?

- You don't read the business section?

- What did I miss?

- I sold my company to Microsoft.

- Yeah? And you cleaned up?

Well, if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

All right! Congratulations!

I'm officially retired and on the prowl.

- Hey, Walt.

- Hey, Sally.

I got a leash. Would you like

to take me for a walk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya later.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hal.

- I'm Bella.

- So, what's up?

- Nothing.

- My friends are all out on the dance floor.

- Yeah?

- How come you're not spanking the planks?

- Spanking the planks!

Are they your roommates, or...?

No, we work together

at the Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Cool. I used to know a deaf guy.

- Do you wanna dance?

- Yes!

All right.

Baby, when I saw you

turning at the end of the street

I knew a time was gone

and it took me like ages

Just to understand that

I was afraid to be a simple guy

I tried my best to smile

But deep inside my heart

I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing

I guess I couldn't live without the things

That made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling?

Ooh, yeah

Everybody's dancing

Ooh, yeah

Tonight everything is over

What in the name of all that is holy...?

I can't lie on my bed

without thinking I was wrong

But when that feeling calls...

- Do you need help?

- What? Come on!

Night-time won't hold me in your arms again

I got a very good friend who says

He can't believe the love I give

Is not enough to end your fears

I guess I couldn't live without the things

That made my life what it is

Hal?

It's ten o'clock. We gotta go.

- What are you talking about?

- Hal, we gotta go... do that thing.

- You know, at the place.

- What thing?

Hey, sorry, ladies.

I gotta steal your dance partner here.

- What are you doing?!

- I am rescuing you.

- From what?

- From what?!

From a pack of stampeding buffalo,

that's from what!

Come join us. I'm goin' after the redhead.

You can have your pick of the other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose

between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite.

Let's go! I'm gettin' back in there.

Hey... go nuts.

Tonight everything is over

I feel too young

Hey, Jill.

Everybody's shaking...

Mauricio, it's Hal. Pick it up.

Look, man, I don't know what the hell

was the matter with you last night.

First you wouldn't dance with the hotties,

and then we go to the IHOP, and those hotties

are even hotter, and you disappear!

Oh, my...

I gotta call you back. Something came up.

In the sky the birds are pulling rain

In your life a curse has got a name

Building a parachute?

- Excuse me?

- They're a little big, aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker

on your sailboat, right?

Sorry. It seemed so funny seeing someone

like you holding up a pair of old-lady trou.

Someone like me?

Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

You are a jackass.

Miss, please. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double

your dosage and leave me alone?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.

Look, that was really dumb of me.

You were probably buying 'em for

someone close to you, and I insulted them.

However you took it, I want you to know

I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I guess I'm not real smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, Miss. Is everything all right?

So, um... what do you do

for a living, Rosemary?

I'm actually volunteering

at the hospital right now,

cos I'm waiting for this...

re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What, are you in the army?

- Peace Corps.

- Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very... altrudocious of you.

"Altrudocious"? That's not a word.

Oh! You mean humanidocious, right?

- Yeah. That's the one.

- All right. Ready to order?

Yeah. Um...

Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries

with cheese and a large chocolate milkshake?

Nicely done. I'll have the exact same thing.

You got it.

I am impressed.

It's nice to see a girl order a real meal.

I hate it when you guys order

a glass of water and a crouton.

It ruins the whole point of goin' out.

That's probably what I should be ordering.

But, I don't know, no matter what I eat,

my weight just seems to stay the same.

So I figure, what the hell?

I'm gonna eat what I want.

Totally. If you can get away with it,

more power to ya.

- Don't be a smart ass.

- What are you...? What?

No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feel bad for people who count calories.

It's no way to live.

Yeah. But in return they get to be

a lot thinner than I am.

Are you out of your mind?

What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks

are you talking about?

OK.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Trust me, whatever you're doin',

it's working. It is working.

Go on.

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Oops.

- Goddang it.

- Don't move. Is your back all right?

- Yeah.

- Is she all right?

Yeah. You gotta get

some decent chairs in here, man.

What's this sh*t made out of, anyway?

Steel.

Yeah? Well, you should...

get it welded better in the corners!

- All right.

- Rosemary, you sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm a little embarrassed but...

it's happened before, it'll happen again.

Oh, man. I...

Don't be embarrassed.

Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

Looks like we're too late.

The food's probably all gone.

- Listen, can you wait here one second?

- Hal, just let it go.

Nah. Nah.

Hal.

You guys are so funny, making fun of me

cos I'm a little pudgy, right?

- No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was...

- Do me a favour. Take a look out the window.

You see that little fox out there?

You see that little number? She's with me.

If you took all the women you two have ever

gone out with, they wouldn't equal one of her.

- We're not arguing that.

- No.

That's right. Laugh it up, fellas.

And tonight, when you're hugging

your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

All right? That's it.

What happened?

Well, let's just say the score's

Hal two, mall rats zero.

Let me walk you to your car.

- Well, thanks for lunch, Hal.

- My pleasure, Rosie.

- My mother calls me Rosie.

- Really?

Yeah.

Gentlemen, can I interest you

in some chili fries and half a burger?

There's a lot left cos the little guy

couldn't finish his meal.

- Hey, hey.

- P*ssy.

- That was nice of you.

- Well, you're all right in my book, too, Hal.

- Can I have your number?

- What number?

Your PIN number. I want your money

Your phone number. What do you think?

Why?

You know, to... go out. Maybe, like, tomorrow.

Uh...

Well, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the book

under Rosemary Shanahan.

- I can write it down. It's S-h-a...

- No, I'll remember it.

- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan.

- That's my father's name.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your father is my boss. I mean,

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