Shallow Hal Page #4

not my boss, but he's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him,

but I see him around the office.

Well, then you won't forget my name.

- Hal?

- Yeah?

If I don't hear from you...

I appreciate everything anyway.

Cuckoo!

You sure you don't want a dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm tryin' to lose a couple of LBs.

- Since when do you care about your gut?

- I don't really, but...

I am a little nervous because of

this girl who's coming to meet me.

- She's incredible.

- Uh-huh?

Like the ones on the dance floor?

Even better, buddy. I'm telling ya,

it's almost beyond belief.

She's funny, she's smart,

she teaches self-esteem to sick kids...

I would never believe a girl as beautiful

could have such a great personality.

- Ugly-duckling syndrome.

- What?

She probably wasn't pretty till high school.

The personality developed out of necessity.

You know what? I bet you're right.

She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Sometimes they're ugly so long,

when they turn pretty, they don't realise it.

The ugly self-image is so well ingrained.

That's a real find.

- Hey!

- Hey!

I've been looking for you.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, it's Lindy. The girl with the toe.

- Hey.

- How ya doing?

Good. Did you get my message?

No, no. My phone machine's

not really working there. Did you call?

- I got tickets for that Beatles reunion.

- The Beatles?

Yeah. Well, not the real Beatles,

but Paul, George and Ringo will be there.

But Eric Clapton is filling in for John.

It's an invitation-only acoustic set.

- Only about 70 people, tops.

- Oh, man.

- So you're in?

- Uh...

No. Not a Clapton fan.

I think I'll pass.

OK. Well, I guess I'll see ya.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Bye, Lindy.

- Did you see the toe?

- Mauricio, I gotta tell you, you got issues.

- Don't even get me started.

- Oh, my God. There she is.

There's Rosemary.

- Where?

- Right there.

- Right where?

- Straight ahead. Across the field.

- Is she behind the rhino?

- She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan.

Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Holy cow. I mean, uh... hi.

- Is that a Members Only jacket?

- Yes. Yes, it is.

So, what are you, like, the last member?

Oh, man.

One-nothing Rosemary.

Excuse me for just one second. Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, hold on.

- Will you guys excuse me?

- Want something from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer

and nachos with all the stuff on it.

You got it.

- Does she take the cake or what?

- She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

- I told you.

- Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

- So, what are you up for?

- I don't know. I like the track.

Ah, so she's a gambler.

Yeah, well, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too much

human involvement, you know?

You can't trust people

If you're looking for a fair deal.

- What about you? Do you gamble?

- No, not really.

I bet on pro football now and then,

But just to make the games more exciting.

- I don't really care if I win.

- Huh.

- I've never read that book.

- What book?

Things Losers Say.

Hey, why don't we forget the track, and I'll

introduce you to some good friends of mine?

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- What do you say?

- I say OK.

- You say OK?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet

a very good friend of mine. OK?

This guy here is Hal. And he's really funny.

Hi.

How ya doing? Good to meet ya.

Hey. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

She should be doing Keebler commercials.

You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- What's your name, beautiful?

- Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name.

You know, my uncle's name is Cadence.

Well, I got news for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down

until the cows come home.

Put her down.

The cow came home.

What is he doing here?

These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just

coming by to say hi to the kids.

Fine. Pack it up.

And get these patients back in their beds.

- Should we get going?

- Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

Hey! I got an idea. Do you guys

wanna play the kissing game?

- Yeah?

- You want me to go get a bottle?

This is how we play. Wanna get the lipstick?

- Get lipstick.

- Yeah, OK.

What we do is, we put on the lipstick...

and then the kisser kisses as many times

as they can until the lipstick comes off.

Cool! I wanna go first.

- Then I'm going last.

- Jesse.

- Hey, they don't have anything I can catch?

- They don't have anything you can catch.

I didn't think so.

You guys don't even look sick.

You're just a bunch of phonies

like my Uncle Cadence.

I bet you're here just so you can

get out of school. Is that right?

- Yeah.

- Give me some of that lipstick.

You were incredible in there.

You were. You were so amazing.

I'm serious. A lot of people get

really squeamish in that situation...

- Rosemary? Is that you?

- Dr Sayed! How's it going?

- Good. Who's this?

- This is my friend Hal.

- Good to meet you.

- Be nice to her. She's a good girl.

- All right.

- Bye, Rosemary.

That's what these kids need -

a stranger who isn't afraid to just

be with them and play with them.

- That's what builds their self-confidence.

- Why would anybody be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorable.

Do you know that?

Come on.

- This is a nice street you live on.

- Yeah, this is my street.

- You wanna come up?

- Yeah. But I don't think I should.

Why not? It's only 9 o'clock.

- I know. I just don't think it's a good idea.

- Oh, no. Did I do something?

No. You've been really cool.

- Hi, Hal.

- Oh, hey, Jill.

- Rosemary, this is my neighbour Jill.

- Hi. Nice...

- Sorry.

- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Jill.

I gotta go and meet some friends,

so I'll see you guys later.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Come up.

- No.

- What?

I thought we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know,

Hal, I'm not used to all this.

Used to what?

Hal, you've been really nice to me today.

I really appreciate it, but...

What, your other boyfriends

aren't nice to you?

- I don't have other boyfriends.

- Bullshit.

Well, I had one boyfriend.

It was kind of recently,

actually, but it didn't work out.

- You've been burnt, huh?

- No.

That's just it. I, um... I've never been

close enough to anybody to get burnt.

Please! With a mug like that?

You must be fighting 'em off daily.

Right I mean, I saw the way

your friend Mauricio looked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot me

with a tranquilliser gun and tag my ear.

Don't worry. He's been acting really weird

lately, especially around really pretty girls.

Hal... do me a favour and stop saying

that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, OK?

Cos it makes me uncomfortable.

OK. You have a problem with compliments?

Look... I know what I am

and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girl who gets really good grades

and is not afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends

who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautiful, OK? And I never will be.

And I'm fine with that. You know?

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