Shallow Hal Page #5

But when you go around saying

that I'm something that I'm not,

it's just... it's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary.

You're starting to scare me.

I mean, I really like you,

but I have to assume you're a little nutty

if you really believe you're not beautiful.

Grow up, Hal.

Rosie. Wait a second.

Well, it was too good to be true.

Hm?

Rosemary. Turned out to be a total psycho.

Her self-image is so far off, it's scary.

Well, maybe you had a little

something to do with that.

What are you talking about? All I ever did

was tell her how perfect she was.

Really?

Yeah. Then she got all huffy

and told me to grow up.

Well, that's probably good advice.

You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actually

think you're more mature than me?

You're right. I'm probably more immature

than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

- What the hell was that?

- I said your willie's...

I heard what you said,

but it took you, like, eight seconds.

You can't come back with a comeback after

eight seconds. You got three. Five, tops.

That's why they call it a quip. Not a "slowp".

All right, you got anything better to read?

I gotta fire off a missile.

Hi.

- Is this a bad time, or...?

- No.

I just wanted to apologise for last night.

- You don't have to apologise.

- Yeah, I do.

I called you, like, immature or sophomoric

or something like that. I know you're not...

Oh, my God, Hal!

You gotta get in here and look at this turd!

It looks just like Klinger from MASH.

- Why don't we get outta here?

- OK.

Coffee?

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Yes. Two double cheeseburgers with bacon,

one with relish. Thank you.

Ow.

- Are you OK?

- Brain freeze.

Baby, now that I've found you

I can't let you go

I'll build my world around you

I need you so, baby, even though...

Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.

Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a splash?

I'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?

Spent a lifetime looking for somebody

To give me love like you

Baby, now that I've found you

I can't let you go...

- That was good?

- Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

Daddy!

Sorry.

- What's the matter?

- I should have changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy? You look great.

I don't normally dress like this

around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on. I'm the one

who should be nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you.

Were you adopted?

No. Why?

Cos your dad has that weird accent.

And I've seen him around the office. I gotta

say, I don't see the slightest resemblance.

Really? Everybody says If you put

a wig on him, he'd look just like me.

Look at who's here now.

Come here, my darlin'.

Hi, Daddy.

- Rosie, honey.

- Mom.

Good to see ya.

This is Hal Larson,

the guy I was telling you about.

- Great to meet you, sir.

- Likewise.

- Nice to meet you, Hal.

- The pleasure is mine, Mrs Shanahan.

Wow. I can see where

Rosemary gets her figure.

What the hell... What the hell

is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting

something else on, darlin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to

do that for me. Let's just keep it casual.

Casual.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great

untapped resources down at the company.

- Why don't you tell him some of your ideas?

- Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

Only a company with a solid reputation

like JPS could ever market this product.

- Hal, let me take your plate.

- Thank you. It was delicious.

- Can I get you boys some coffee?

- I'd love a cup of tea, darlin'.

Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.

Yeah, I'll just have a cup of joe.

That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, Hal,

I'm impressed with a lot of your ideas.

Some of them are dog sh*t, but for the most

part you seem to have done your homework.

- So I'd like you to do something for me.

- OK.

I'm meeting with me executive committee

Monday morning,

and I'd like you to make a presentation.

- Seriously?

- Well, nothing fancy, you understand.

Just talk about the same things

that you talked about here tonight.

Great. I'd love to.

Oh, and by the way,

you can cut out the act now.

Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did

in me life by bein' a fool?

Now, you've got ambition,

Hal, and I admire that.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred

more like yourself.

We'd be the number one firm in the country.

And me daughter would get

a hell of a lot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have

any problem getting dates.

I told you to cut the sh*t out, all right?

Look, Rosemary's me daughter,

and God knows I love her dearly.

But I think we both know that we won't

soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,

marching along with the Dallas cheerleaders.

Uh...

I don't understand.

I'm telling the truth, Hal.

And the truth is I haven't been able to bounce

me daughter on me knee since she was two.

You know, I've read about people like you.

- People like me?

- Super achievers with impossible standards.

Nothing's ever good enough.

Nothing ever measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids

are people, with their own feelings.

You think they're an extension of you,

like your company,

or your $20-million Learjet

and your Picasso out in the front hall.

Everything reflects on you, so nothing

and no one is ever good enough.

Go on.

When I first met Rosemary, she told me

she knew she wasn't that good-looking.

I could not believe my ears.

I thought how can a person this beautiful

possibly interpret what she sees in the mirror

to be anything other than that?

Well, now I know.

Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine.

What?

Nothin'.

I just can't believe how lucky I am.

You swear to God you're not gonna laugh?

Come on, I'm not gonna laugh.

Oh.

Daddy like.

The look on your face

It could never explain your heart

And the touch of my lips

It could never tell you my thoughts

And you want me to change

I can't get used to...

What in the...? How did...?

Get over here, Houdini.

Cos it's not really me

This is my world, this is who I am

- I'm gonna call you later.

- OK.

Bye.

Forget something?

Oh, hey.

Hi. I'm glad I caught you

before you went to work.

What's up?

I was wondering if you wanted

to come over tonight,

open a bottle of wine, maybe watch a video?

Nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation, I feel that these measures

will help JPS and all of our customers.

- Nice job, Hal.

- Thank you.

- Nicely done.

- I appreciate it.

- Hal, I stand corrected.

- Thank you.

Hal, I need to see you

in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourself down.

So... what'd you think?

I'll be gettin' to that in a minute.

I want to talk to you about

that conversation we had the other night,

and all of them things you said to me.

Well, I'm more than just a little embarrassed,

having said what I said.

I think me daughter is lucky to have you.

No, sir. I'm the lucky one.

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