Shallow Hal Page #6

Indeed.

Well, now, as to your meeting in there,

sure, it was first-rate.

- Yeah?

- Oh, yes.

Hal, I'm gonna level with you.

- I need your balls.

- Sir?

I need a man around that can

give it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news be good or bad.

So I've decided - from now on,

you'll be working directly for me.

Uh...

I don't know what to say

but, um... thank you.

Well, a thank you will do just fine.

Well... get the f*** out.

OK.

Congratulations on your promot...

- Oh, sorry.

- No, no. Come in, come in.

I want you to meet Rosemary. Rosemary, this

is Jen and Artie. Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which

reminds me, I gotta meet him for lunch.

So I'll see you this weekend, OK?

It was really nice to meet you guys.

Do you mind if I take a little sliver?

Beauty.

Do you want a plate?

I know what you're thinking.

Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake.

You didn't have to do this.

The least we could do,

seeing as how you worked so hard

to become "indispensable" to the company.

Is that that new thing called sarcasm?

Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a

puddle. That used to be part of your charm.

- But this just flat-out sucks.

- What are you talking about?

If you have one ounce of integrity left,

you'll break it off immediately,

before you hurt the poor girl.

I gotta give you credit for being more

proactive and starting to meet women.

Who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here,

but don't you think it's time

to raise the bar a little?

I mean, at first I thought

you were in a slump, you know?

I could, as a friend, look the other way

while you banged a few fatties

and got it out of your system,

but there's lots of good fish out there.

You don't have to snack on carp any more.

I suppose the girls we partied with a couple

weeks ago downtown were a couple of carp?

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers,

she looked more like a catfish.

Oh, I see. And what about Marie?

Pop some bolts on her neck

and the villagers'll be chasing her.

- And Vicki?

- Who?

- Vicki!

- Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki? I thought that was a guy.

I was calling her Vic!

Oh!

- You're out of your mind!

- I know I'm being a little harsh on you here.

I think real friends are obligated

to be honest with each other.

And this one that you're dating now -jeez.

Careful.

Hey, all I'm saying is

she's got cankles, for God's sake.

- What?

- Cankles! She's got no ankles.

It's like the calf merged with the foot,

cut out the middleman.

I know what cankles are.

Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what?

I know what you're doing here.

- You're scared.

- Scared?

Yup. This is exactly what you did

with the knockout with the weird toe.

You're just inventing reasons

to dump girls cos you're afraid.

All right, look,

I admit Rosemary is kind of cool.

But you wouldn't even be talking

to that woolly mammoth

if her father wasn't

the president of your company.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone

like this guy. You're gonna love him.

- Great. What's his girlfriend like?

- I don't know. I haven't met her.

They just started going out. Oh, there he is.

Walt!

At your cervix!

Hey, you recognise these panties?

Rosemary, don't steal my lines.

- You two know each other?

- Yeah!

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering

down at the hospital for years.

Oh.

So where's this mystery girl?

She should be here any minute.

Hey, uh...

I want you to be honest.

Is this outfit too "Hey, look at me"?

No, no. It's... it's very subtle.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

I've spent all summer days drivin'

I'm tired of holidays ruined

No more takeaways, expired food...

- I gotta get a map.

- I'm going with you.

What are those for?

You ever walked through a truck-stop

men's room on your hands?

- Want anything?

- Potato chips. And dip.

Cut it out.

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and Walt

were, you know, seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a light?

It's actually a very funny story. Because he

had been asking me out for a really long time

and I was always kind of unavailable.

And then just when he had given up, I broke

up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

So I asked him out.

So he kind of grew on you, huh?

Exactly. I mean, you gotta admit,

when you first meet him, it is kind of jarring.

I mean, you kinda don't even know

what goes where.

But, anyway, the timing

couldn't have been more perfect,

because he had just sold his company,

and he has all this time on his hands,

and we can plan things

and travel and go shopping and...

Well, I guess timing's everything.

Hope you like bean dip.

I'd already picked up all the faces

And I, I wanna show you all the places

And I, I wanna take a little ride

Wanna take a little ride,

countryside with you

Yeah! That was my girl.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd.

- Rosemary!

- Ralph!

Hi.

You remember Li'iBoy?

Li'iBoy. Yeah. How are you?

- Mahalo, Rosemary.

- How you doing?

- Great.

- Wow.

- They still got you out in Sierra Leone?

- No, no. Now they got me nearer my home.

I'm on this island

in the South Pacific called Kiribati.

- I'm Hal.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Hal.

These are my Peace Corps buddies. This is

Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is Hal Larson.

- What's up?

- Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office

training for 30 days,

so I dragged him here

and threw him on the slopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high school

who went out for the hockey team.

It was funny as sh*t.

Anyway... it's great to see you again.

You look... happy.

Thanks. I am.

Well, we got a long drive back, so...

- Bye.

- Bye.

Good to meet ya.

- You OK?

- Uh-huh.

It's just that... Do you remember

how I told you that once I had a boyfriend?

That was him.

You're welcome.

What's your name?

Excuse me, Mr Robbins.

Could I have a word with you, sir?

- Sure, but I gotta catch a plane.

- It'll only take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped

in an elevator with a friend of mine.

Hal! He was a great guy. He was having

trouble with his relationships. How is he?

- Well, that's a matter of debate.

- Really?

Anyway, apparently,

you gave him, like, a... pep talk,

and now he's under the impression

that he can get any woman he wants.

- And you don't think he can?

- I don't know. Whatever.

But, see, the point is,

lately the only women he wants... are ugly.

- Who says they're ugly?

- Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat, some of them.

It's like Hal has lowered his whole...

Jesus, you've got a big noggin.

Thanks for noticing.

My new book has a chapter on blurting.

- You might wanna pick it up.

- Yeah, I'll check into that.

Anyway, I mean,

did something go wrong here?

Or is my friend having a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you ever heard the phrase

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song

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