Shallow Hal Page #7

"Who Let The Dogs Out"?

- It can't be that bad.

- Look, exactly what did you do to him, man?

I altered his perception a little bit.

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

- You messed with his eyesight, right?

- No.

- You hypnotised him.

- No. I dehypnotised him.

He's been hypnotised his whole life,

totally focused on the outside.

I helped him to see

the inner beauty in everyone,

including people you think

are not physically attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty

when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see

when you're looking for it.

But how can he not... feel them when he's...?

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.

All right, look. Let's just

cut through the old crapcake here!

OK.

Sir, don't... don't you think

it's wrong to brainwash someone?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

Everything you know about beauty

is programmed. TV, magazines, movies.

They're all telling you what's beautiful

and what isn't. How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you!

I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind of word or phrase

or something to take the whammy off him?!

Of course. But if we do that, he'll go back

to judging everybody by the outside.

- Is this what he really wants?

- I don't care what he wants!

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane.

I'm really sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity

and furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparably!

For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

- His job? Really?

- Yes. And it's a great job.

I just wanted to give him a gift.

I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him

better than I do, so, um...

- It's a shame to let it go.

- Oh, it's a tragedy.

So, what did you wanna talk to me about?

- Ralph called me.

- Your old boyfriend Ralph?

Well, he was also my division leader

in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out to Kiribati in ten

days and he wants me to go with his group.

What? You and Ralph? Kiribati?

They're in the middle

of this economic meltdown.

supplies and food, and they want me to help.

How can you be so selfish?

Sorry?

I mean, you know what I'm sayin'.

You bump into pretty-boy Ralph on Friday,

the sparks are flying, and now you're

gonna go and save the world in Kiribati?

- This has nothing to do with me and Ralph.

- Yeah, right.

He's obviously crazy about you.

He's got the heart of a saint.

I could practically see the halo

around his head. I can't compete with that.

OK, first of all, you're probably

the only person in the Free World

to ever refer to Ralph as a "pretty-boy".

Secondly, that halo around his head,

it's called psoriasis.

You can't stand within three feet

without getting flaked on.

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes,

he's a great guy and he cares about me,

but he had no sense of humour.

And I'm in love with an even greater guy.

Well, then how come I don't have

any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

God, are you OK?

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

- You should be sorry! This is an outrage!

- I'll go get help.

- Are you OK, sweetie?

Thank you very much.

- I'm so embarrassed.

- Don't be.

It's this flimsy-ass four-star restaurant.

Just sit right here.

I'm gonna go talk to the manager, OK?

I'll be right back.

Good night. Thank you.

I'm not blaming you, but I need a chair. My

girlfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

I'm so sorry.

The waiter told me what happened.

Just a sec. McIntosh's.

Hello?

- Shallow Hal wants a gal.

- What?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I just saved your life, baby.

- What?

- I've been looking for you all day.

I'm at McIntosh's with Rosemary.

Look, I got kind of a...

- Are you looking right at her?

- No, I'm talking to the hostess.

Hal, don't! Hal...

- Look, I got a situation here. I'll call you later.

- Look away!

- I was just talking to the hostess.

- Right. That would be me.

No, no. It was the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the only hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apologise about the booth.

We are so sorry.

We've replaced your date's side with a new

chair, a strong one, and the meal's on us.

Oh, OK. Well... thank you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Did you... did you move us?

No. Second table on the right.

Well, then maybe you can explain to me

why that robust woman

is eating my girlfriend's din...

Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!

Sweetie, are you OK?

Excuse me.

McIntosh's. Tiffany.

Mm-hm. OK.

We're two friends walking. We're just walking.

And then Robbins confirmed

exactly what I thought.

- Which is?

- You weren't irresistible to women.

He hypnotised you so that

really ugly girls that you met from then on

- would, to you, look like supermodels.

- What?

If they had inner beauty or some baloney.

You could get any woman you desired

because you were suddenly

desiring the undesirable.

- You get it?

- No, not exactly.

Let me put it this way. It's like

he gave you beer-goggle laser surgery.

Now wait a second. So what you're saying

is that all the pretty girls I've met lately

are not really pretty?

All right. Let's look at the facts.

They were funny, smart and nice.

Pretty girls are not funny!

And they're certainly not nice. Not to us.

When I found out what Robbins was doing,

I convinced him to take the trance away.

When I said "Shallow Hal wants a gal",

you were cured.

You're out of your mind. Do you know that?

I'm going back to the restaurant.

- Hal. Hal, come on.

- Hey, Hal!

You never called me back.

What happened to you?

- Excuse me?

- Oh.

I've got my hair back.

It's me - Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma,

cos she's been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio.

Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me - Katrina.

From Boston. The... the magical fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina.

But the thing is, you're not Ka...

I never told you about K...

Katrina! How the heck are ya?

Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognise you. The hair and the...

You screwed me, man! I had a beautiful,

caring, funny, intelligent woman,

and you made her disappear!

Oh, no, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear.

There's a difference. It's called reality.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it

and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Third-party perspective.

Other people agreeing that it's real.

OK, let me ask you a question.

Who's the all-time love of your life?

Wonder Woman.

OK. Let's say Wonder Woman

falls in love with you, right?

Would it bother you if the rest of the world

didn't find her attractive?

Not at all. Cos I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout!

I don't care what anybody else saw!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

- Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

- What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, don't panic.

We just get Tony Robbins back here,

he puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya

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