Shallow Hal Page #8

and he puts you back under.

Good idea.

- In the meantime you just avoid Rosemary.

- Why?

Because if you see the real Rosemary,

hypnosis is not gonna help you.

You'll need the jaws of life

to get that image out of your head.

Hal, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

What happened to you

at the restaurant?

I got something in my eye.

I had to run back here and flush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said

that you seemed a little cuckoo.

- So, come on, open up.

- I can't.

Uh...

- Let her in. We'll club her.

- No.

I'm, uh... I'm...

I'm very sick.

I've got, uh... um...

- CC!

- You have what?

Contagious conjunctivitis.

I'll take my chances. Now open up.

All right. In a minute.

I told you it was nasty.

Are you OK? Do you need

to go to the hospital?

Nah, nah. I got some drops. I'll be fine.

- My poor baby.

- Yeah.

Well, I should probably rack out.

This has taken a lot out of me.

OK.

Well, I'll call you in the morning

and see how you're doing.

Great, great. Bye-bye.

Pop the cork, a champagne glass

Raise to the future, drink to the past

Thank the Lord for the friends he cast

in the play he wrote for you

And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch

Blaze a trail to her front porch

Kiss her till your lips are scorched

Till the rain comes down on you

Bless your sweet mistakes...

Hal, is everything all right with you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir.

Why?

Well, it's just that Rosemary's been telling me

that she's having a bit of trouble getting you

on the telephone the last couple of days.

Now, I wouldn't be working you

too hard, would I?

No. I mean, I'm working hard,

but I guess I've just been

a little preoccupied with things.

But I'll make sure and touch base with her.

Right. Right.

OK, then.

I'm sorry. Apparently Tony Robbins is a lot

tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

- I'll come through. I promise.

- I can't keep this up, man.

Calm down.

I don't know, Mauricio.

Maybe I should just see her.

I mean, I do have...

you know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough

to overcome her appearance.

It could be like in that movie -

The Crying Game.

When the guy fell in love

with a beautiful woman?

And then when he found out it was a guy,

it didn't matter, cos he already loved her.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was

your biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

- Hello?

- Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

- What happened yesterday?

- Hm?

Well, I stopped by your office to say hi,

but you just took off running.

- Oh, you're kidding.

- No.

- What were you doing?

- I was jogging.

- In your business suit?

- I had a sweat suit underneath.

Oh.

Is everything...?

What's going on, Hal?

Things haven't felt the same lately.

- No?

- No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

I'm just in a little funk right now,

and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So, uh...

I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Bye.

Bye.

What happened to you?

I can't get to you

Cos there's a wall in your heart

That no one can get through

And it's cold and it's dark

And you don't have a clue

But this wall, it will fall

If it's the last thing I do

I'll get through

This wall in your heart

- Who is it?

- Hal, is that you? It's Jill.

Comin'.

Hey, what's up?

Hey. My girlfriend just bailed on me,

and I was wondering if I could

take you out to dinner.

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

Don't be such a stiff.

There's some stuff I wanna talk to you about.

- No, really, I can't.

- Please? We'll go out just as friends.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

- Can I ask you something, Jill?

- Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

Well, I've... I've been thinking a lot.

Hal, I... I made a mistake. I never

should have broken it off with you.

Well, you didn't really break it off.

We only had that one date.

Besides, you did the right thing. We didn't

have anything in common, remember?

But that was my fault.

I shut you out emotionally.

We could have had more things

in common if I'd wanted to.

- Mr Shanahan, how are you this evening?

- How am I?

Tonight I feel like a thorn

amongst a bed of roses.

- Your table's ready. John'll seat you.

- Right this way, please.

- I'm just gonna go to the ladies' room.

- OK, Rosie. We'll be at the table.

Yeah. See, why did you shut me out

in the first place? I'm just curious.

Well, frankly,

I guess I... thought you were shallow.

Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this

kind of superficial... dickwad.

I don't know. What do you call it?

Hal, it's OK.

I've been watching you in the past few weeks.

I've seen the women you've been out with.

And now I know appearances

mean absolutely nothing to you.

If anything, you're pathologically unshallow.

- I don't know about that.

- It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't we get all this food to go?

- Why?

- Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.

You know, there are

a few times in a guy's life -

and I mean two or three, tops -

when he comes to a crossroads,

and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's

doing and be with any girl who will have him,

and if he goes the other way,

he gets to be with only one woman,

maybe for the rest of his life.

It seems like by taking the second road,

he's missing out on a lot.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

He gets to be happy.

Are you wearing panties?

God! What am I saying? No!

No, I'm sorry. Jill, this...

this isn't gonna happen. I, uh...

I think I'm gonna go down

that other road for once.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey now. It's me, your love bunny.

I miss you and I wanna see you.

What's the matter? You sound upset.

What are you, some kind of psycho?

Hello? Rosie?

Just you leave me daughter alone.

- I don't understand.

- The jig is up, and she knows it.

Well, she hasn't returned my calls.

What's going on?

It's a little late to be worrying

about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted

that Peace Corps assignment.

No offence, but I think

I have a right to hear this from her.

I'll give you your rights.

I'll give you your last rites,

you self-righteous little sh*t!

You know, I wanted to like you. I truly did.

And all of that malarkey that you gave me

that night at the house. I bought into it.

In spite of all me better instincts,

I took the hook.

I don't know.

Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

Maybe I just... I just wanted to believe

that there was still a decent guy out there.

A lad that would be right for me daughter.

- But, sir...

- Don't speak. Just you listen!

Now, thankfully, as it turns out,

there is a guy out there.

- His name is Ralph Owens.

- Ral... Pretty-boy Ralph?

Don't be a smart ass. Now you listen to me.

They're back together,

and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'll be respectin' that.

Well, I dreamed I saw

the knights in armour coming

Saying something about a queen

There were peasants singin'

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