Shallow Hal Page #9

and drummers drummin'...

Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor

Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

- Yeah. That's third floor.

- Thank you.

Hal, is that you?

Hey.

- What are you doing here?

- I, uh...

I, uh... came to see Rosemary.

Oh.

Well, she left early.

She seemed upset about something.

- Any idea where she went?

- You got me.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

Um...

- How do you know my name?

- It's me - Cadence.

Oh, hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautiful?

How come you haven't come back to see us?

Um...

Well, me and Rosemary have been

having some problems.

I, uh...

- I was really stupid.

- Oh.

Well, why don't you go buy her a present

and then maybe you can make up?

You were right.

Huh?

In the gym last week when you said

I was scared of women, you were right.

- Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just...

- No, come on, Hal. It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been close to a woman...

my whole life.

I'm a coward, all right?

But why? I mean, look at you.

You're a mountain of a man.

You got more style than Mr Blackwell.

You're pulling in what - 28, 29 Gs a year?

- 29,500.

- You're the perfect catch!

I know, I know. It's crazy.

I just... have this thing.

- What thing?

- It's kind of a...

birth defect... thing.

Jeez, man. I didn't know.

- What is it?

- I have a tail.

Huh?

- A tail.

- What do you mean, like a story?

No, a tail. It's like a waggy tail.

My backbone is longer

than it's supposed to be.

It's like a genetic abnormality.

It's a vestigial tail.

- You do not.

- Yeah, I do.

Get out!

If I can't even get my best friend to accept it,

how am I supposed to expect a woman to?

Wait a second. Are you for real?

Cos if you are, I gotta see this.

- No, you don't wanna see it.

- No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

- Good Lord!

- All right, you believe me now?

Oh, man. It really does wag.

Only when I'm nervous... or happy.

Wow.

Have you ever thought about,

you know, maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know

why I never thought of that...

when I was getting pummelled in gym class

by a bunch of barking seniors!

- All right, calm down, calm down.

- God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery!

No doctor will touch it!

Well... it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there are some girls

who would think it was adorable.

Like a little puppy dog.

Really? You think it's like a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

- Do you wanna... pet the little fella?

- No!

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

By the way, you're gonna need

a little sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

So, what are you doing right now?

- Nothing. Why?

- Can I get a lift? I gotta go see someone.

Yeah. Sure.

Seems like longer than for ever, yeah

My home is now a distant land

If I had one wish, I wish you could be

Back on that rock in the middle of the sea

My heart is calling me to the islands

My home is now a distant land

If I had one wish, I wish I could be

Back on that rock

Hey! Um... Hal, right?

- Have we met?

- It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the mountains with Ralph.

- Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing?

- Yeah.

- You look like you been working out.

- Nah.

So, do you know if Ralph is in the office?

Yeah. Ralph!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hey. How ya doin'?

I'm doing great. You're looking good.

So, what can I do you for?

- I came here to congratulate you.

- On...?

Look, um...

you got a great girl, and you deserve her.

More than me. And the truth is,

I'm happy for Rosemary.

But I want you to understand one thing.

You better be good to her, Ralph.

Ralph, if you ever mess up

and make her unhappy,

I'll be waiting in the wings,

and I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer,

with a cloven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal.

What are you talking about?

You're back together. Let's not play games.

- Rosemary and I aren't back together.

- You're not?

Let's put it this way. Her parents are throwing

a going-away party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

We are building a religion,

we are building it bigger

We are widening the corridors

and adding more lanes...

- This seems crazy.

- Yeah. That's cos it is.

- But crazy's all you got.

- Amen to that.

Good luck, Hal.

Well, I could use a drink. What do you say

we slide around the side here?

Yeah, we'll blend in.

Yeah.

Hello?

- Rosie?

- Excuse me. What are you...?

Shh.

I love you. I'm not going anywhere

until you hear me out.

What are you doing?

- Who are you?

- Who am...?

Hal, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter.

I'm not leaving here until I do.

OK. But could you release Helga

so she can get back to work?

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's showtime.

Well, Hal, now's your chance.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You're beautiful.

You have no right to be here.

- Hal, come on. This isn't working out.

- I'm OK.

What the hell are you doing here?!

- I'm having a word with your daughter.

- It better be "goodbye"!

- You've got her all up...

- Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

I've been... really dumb.

I'm immature, I'm unthoughtful,

I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I love you.

You're the only girl I've ever loved.

And I just didn't want you to go away

without knowing that.

You really hurt me.

I know. But if you'll let me, I wanna spend

the rest of my life making it up to you.

Well, your timing is terrible.

I mean, I'm leaving for Kiribati

tonight for 14 months.

I'm sorry, Rosemary.

I just can't wait that long.

I understand.

Which is why I'm going with you.

What?

It's true, Rosie. Big Kahuna here just swore

him into the Corps about a half-hour ago.

That's right. He's official.

Are you sure that's what you wanna do?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

It could never explain your heart

And the touch of my lips

It could never tell you my thoughts

And you want me to change

I can't get used to

All you want me to be

I just can't pretend

To be anyone else

Cos it's not really me

This is my world, this is who lam

I'm not gonna give up myself

To make your life better

She said this is how it is

I got my own life to live

And you can either accept me

Or, baby, if it's love that we share...

- Here's your bag, Rosemary.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations, Hal.

- Thank you.

- Rosemary.

- Bye.

Just keep it right there at the airport.

I'll pick it up later. Congrats.

- We love you, Rosie.

- I love you, Mom.

And, Rosemary, you'd better

be looking after me lad.

I will.

Later, dudes!

Oh, but love grows

where my Rosemary goes

And nobody knows like me

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.

You... you like puppy dogs, do ya?

Anything to do with dogs, I melt.

Why don't we go around back,

get a little drink?

- Sure.

- Yeah? Come on, big fella.

It's a feelin' that's fine,

and I just gotta say, hey

She's really got a magical spell

And it's working' so well that I can't getaway

I'm a lucky fell a and I just gotta tell her

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