Sharktopus.vs.Whalewolf

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1

( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )

Give those who trespass

against us...

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the king--

( BELCHING )

Oh, god, sorry.

For thine is the kingdom

of power and the glory. Amen.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

today to give our last respects.

Pablo, who are all these people

and what are they doing

on my boat?

Is that a dead body?

Don't worry, they're

gonna get rid of it.

Damn it, Pablo!

Eh-hem.

Continue, please, continue.

Go on.

[RAY]

I'm El Capitan, si?

[PABLO] Yeah.

Don't you think you should wake

me up if you're gonna rent my

boat out for a funeral!

I tried, okay?

But you were too drunk.

[REVEREND]

But Edward is in a better place.

( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )

Whoa!

Aw, you idiot! Okay.

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

we're gonna have to relocate

the boat.

Ignore him, he's drunk.

I may be drunk, but if we don't

move this boat...

we're gonna be using your

husband's coffin for

a flotation device!

B*tch, you got a bad idea!

Mother--

Cut the winch!

Aye-aye, Captain!

Holy shark!

( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )

( GURGLING )

( SCREAMING )

Agh...

Oh...

Agh!

Tell me they prepaid.

Yeah, th-- they paid.

How much?

It's with the widow.

( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )

( LOUD CLANGING )

Do you have any idea how

embarrassing this is for me?

Well, your tank top is too

tight.

Those shorts are unforgivable.

Two counts of reckless

endangerment...

one count of piloting a vessel

while intoxicated?

If they don't find that woman

you lost overboard...

you're gonna have a hard time

beating that manslaughter

charge.

Do you have to be so loud?

I'm Dominican! Maldito gringo.

Oh, no, no, stay out,

I want to be left alone.

Stay out.

What happened out there?

It was a shark.

A what?

A big one... with...

tentacles, maybe.

That sounds like a

hallucination.

Hallucinations don't tow boats,

do they, Nina?

I've got your lab results.

Do you want to know what your

alcohol level was?

Not unless I set the record.

Can you at least make bail?

That was a joke, right?

I'm sorry, but this time,

you're on your own.

You still have your friend

on the Harbor Patrol?

( SPEAKING SPANISH )

It's not a holiday for me,

either!

Hey, look, I may be a drunk,

but I know a big fish

when I see one!

There's something in that bay,

Nita!

[NITA]

You get one phone call, Ray.

What's the use? I would have

used it to call you!

( DOOR SLAMS SHUT )

What's this?

The blonde's a German,

a Doctor Reinhardt.

Runs an anti-aging clinic

on the riverfront.

Felix Rosa.

You know this guy?

He was a heck of a third baseman

five years ago.

What's he doing back on the

island?

Here for a little home cooking.

( OPERA MUSIC PLAYING )

Three percent body fat,

BP 120 over 75.

You are in perfect physical

condition...

for a middle-aged woman!

Thought you claimed to be an

athlete. Baseball, is it?

So, we have something

of a problem.

Don't give me that,

I'm a beast.

My trainer has me

on a regimen of supplements.

You know?

Yes, I can see that.

I assure you that my methods

are significantly more

sophisticated.

And completely undetectable.

Your file also says something

about a conviction for domestic

abuse.

That's impossible,

she was two-timing me.

I don't judge, Mr. Rosa.

I assure you, I merely inquire,

so that I can formulate...

the correct gene sequence

for your personality.

Gene sequence?

Given your current state

of physical decay...

( DOOR OPENS )

only the most drastic treatment

will suffice.

This will put you back

in the game.

I don't need new genes. I just

need a little, you know, boost.

To get back on the game.

I can take you places, Mr. Rosa,

that you have never been.

Of course, this is experimental.

There may be a few side effects.

I'm Papi Grande, I hit the balls

into outer space!

You want to make me feel better?

You get on the table

and I'll put on the glove.

Your move, Mr. Papi Grande.

Know what? Screw this.

Athletes.

Your 2:
00 is here... actress.

Oh, Doctor, thank you so much

for squeezing me in.

They're making a new version

of the Iliad and I'm up

for Helen.

I am going to need

a bigger needle.

( CLUB MUSIC PLAYING )

Give me another.

Hey, beautifuls.

I must be drunk,

because I'm seeing double.

Hey, come on, I'm talking

to you. Don't you want

my autograph?

I sign off chest, too.

You're gross, okay?

Who are you, anyways?

Who am I?

Mm-hm.

Who am I?

Number 40, Felix Rosa,

I'm the hero of this country!

Oh, wow! We are so

impressed by that!

He used to be a baseball player.

Used to be? Watch your mouth!

I'm still the greatest!

Take this loser out of here!

You're the loser, b*tch!

Para diablo! Out of here!

Oh, my god!

See you in a couple of days,

man.

Probably.

Don't tell me you sold the boat.

I would have had to sell

the boat three times to bail

your ass out.

Why don't you begin saying

something like, "Thank you,

Pablo."

So where'd you get the money?

I borrowed it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What do we owe him this time?

Nothing.

When I explained to him what

happened this morning...

he just volunteered to help.

Come on.

He just wants to talk to us.

Actually we're on our way

right now, and I think

his sister is there.

Do not even look at his sister.

Hah, hah, you were so cute

dancing.

I had to dance like that,

the guy was--

You see-- did you see

the guy I was dancing--

I saw.

It was weird!

No, it wasn't.

Oh, my god, wait, hold on.

I'm so wasted right now.

Girls... need a ride to your

hotel?

Wow.

We're really flattered,

you know, but we're not really

into that kind of stuff.

I'm a cop.

Oh, okay, hold on,

I have to pee, okay?

She's going to pee.

Listen, there are city

ordinances here!

Better there than in the car.

( SQUEALING )

What happened?

Jill? Jill!

Holy smokes!

( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )

Shark attack!

Two girls, Caucasian,

early 20's.

DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)

Wait, did you say shark?

Yes.

What's the code for shark?

I don't think there is one!

Just send in your men!

Reinhardt!

( BOTTLE SMASHING )

Good evening, Mr. Rosa.

I see you've reconsidered.

I'll show them.

They're gonna chant my name.

Let's do this!

What is this place?

This is my music room.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( CROAKING )

Music room?

Doctor, this is so freaky.

What the--

They say the body is a temple,

Mr. Rosa.

But all too often, it is a cage.

The mind is willing...

but the human form

is so limited.

Even the strongest man is a

weakling compared with a wolf.

So primal...

it has reaction times so fast,

they border on ESP.

And for metabolic purposes...

the blood of a killer whale

holds five times the oxygen

of a primate.

So, you're putting fish blood

in me?

Whales are mammals, and it's not

blood, Mr. Rosa...

strands of DNA... we alter

your genetic structure.

Not the kind of thing

they can catch with the

pee-pee test.

Of course, this is not the

sort of things the medical

community can easily understand.

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